


My Daily Life in Monster Hell

by tluthal



Series: Monster Hell [1]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: BDSM, Breathplay, F/M, Multi, Reader-Insert, Slow Build, everybody deserves to be happy so they get to be happy dangit, hot goat milf chessmaster, i never write second person perspective save me, no seriously you don't even meet asgore until chapter 6, reader is female, switch!asgore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-08
Updated: 2018-01-11
Packaged: 2018-04-30 13:34:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 27
Words: 42,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5165705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tluthal/pseuds/tluthal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Helping Frisk after they're locked out of Undyne's apartment after school somehow leads to their extended family adopting you. You didn't sign up for this, but you're not complaining - especially once you're set up with Asgore. Back after a year-long hiatus, with an actual plot!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Locked Out

Your name is ____, and it’s already been a  _ very  _ long day. You were woken at the crack of dawn by your very nice, very hot, and  _ extremely enthusiastic _ neighbor sending her... niece? something like that, off to school. If there’s one thing you’re sure of, nobody missed school because they slept in. You, on the other hand, didn’t have to be up until 9 and hadn’t really appreciated the interruption to your beauty sleep.

It was now a bit after six in the afternoon, and you were finally getting home after your shortest workday. Sure, it was only an hour, but an hour’s an hour. Especially for the kind of hot, heavy work you do, processing goods for your store. Needless to say, comforting a kid who had very clearly lost their composure wasn’t high on your list of things to do today, but... Well. You’d been accidentally locked out more times than you could count, and that sort of panic left a distinct look on peoples’ faces. Your poor arms and legs could wait.

“ Hey kiddo. Forgot your keys?” You were lucky enough not to need to crouch down - probably would’ve annoyed the tween panicking in front of your neighbor’s door anyways. Their rapid nodding sent their hair flying and made you bite back a laugh. “Hokay. Step one, take a deep breath - all the way in, hold it, then out.” You talked them through a few more breaths before the ready-to-cry look finally left their face. “Got your phone?”

“ N-no.”

“ That’s alright. I’m ____, your uh... Aunt Undyne, that right?” Another nod, “Your Aunt Undyne’s neighbor. How about you come in out of this chill, have a piece of cake and some ice tea, and call your aunt?”

They nodded again, so you tossed your keys in the air, expertly catching them on the way down by your apartment key. “‘S a bit of a mess kiddo, sorry about that.” Once inside, you quickly got them settled at the table with a slightly burnt slice of homemade devil’s food cake, your personal blend of iced tea, and your phone. That done, you wandered off for a few minutes to try and tidy the place up a bit - you had a bad habit of leaving things where they were until your days off, at which point you frantically cleaned in case anyone decided to visit.

You could hear your phone buzz a few times as the kid sent some text messages instead of making a call. After about ten minutes of studious cleaning and plant-watering on your end and rapid-fire texting on their end, though, you finally overheard a conversation. Or, part of it, at least.

“ Mom? H-hey, it’s Frisk, could you come get me?”

“ ...?”

“ Undyne’s having that cooking lesson with Dad and I left my keys and phone in her apartment.”

“ ...!”

You tried not to laugh. You can’t quite make out what the other person was saying, but that scolding tone was familiar enough.

“ I’m inside! I’m inside! Jeeze mom--”

There was a significant lull as the kid, Frisk, apparently, rolled their eyes and let their mother worry aloud. Or at least you guessed that’s what it was.

“ Yeah, her neighbor in 314C is letting me stay inside a while. ... Okay, yes mom, I’ll do my homework... love you too... mom I can’t use up all their minutes bye!”

“ Don’t worry about it, kiddo, I’ve got unlimited.”

“ ... Oh.” Frisk shrugged up at you. “Um... she said she’ll be here in about an hour. She’s keeping an eye on detention right now.”

“ That’s fine. You sure you don’t wanna slack off and watch cartoons?” You probably shouldn’t tempt the poor kid like that, but you remember your own mom being that kind of a fussbudget.

“ ... you are the coolest!” They darted past you, cake in hand, for your couch. 

“ No crumbs on the couch!”  
“ I’ll be careful!” There was a short pause. “Why do you have like a million cans of dirt in here?”

“ I do not have a  _ million  _ cans of dirt. I have like twenty. And they’re mini-planters. Lets me grow my herbs and spices while knowing exactly what went into ‘em.” You stuck your tongue out as you followed them in with a bag of chips and cup of tea. “They look like dirt right now because I’m between planting seasons.”

“ ... This is really good iced tea!”

“ Damn right.”

The hour passed surprisingly pleasantly, as you queued up a bit of 90’s anime - much to Frisk’s amusement - and spent most of it playfully making fun of it. You were a sucker for it, but half the fun was laughing at the protagonist’s pointy hair and ridiculous temper.

Eventually, though, you heard a gentle knock at your door, followed by the doorbell, and went to greet what you were quite sure was the loveliest creature on earth. Make no mistake, your neighbor the fish lady was smoking hot, but you had only ever seen the white-furred lady before you on TV before, on those rare occasions you caught the news.

“Hello, I'm Toriel, Frisk's mother. Um.  Is Frisk still he--”

“ Oh, oh, jeeze, I’m sorry.” You stepped back, blushing to the roots of your hair, and looked away. “Please, come in, Frisk’s in the bathroom.” 

She looked rather startled for a moment before smiling and stepping in gracefully. She had to duck quite a bit - giant fuzzy monster people aren’t made for human dwellings- and even with the cooling September weather, she was barefoot, and you should probably stop staring at her feet before she decided you’re a creep. She solved the problem rather neatly by taking one of your hands in both of hers. “Thank you so much for looking after them. I know it was such an imposition...”

“ Oh, no, ma’am, not at all!” You lifted one hand to sheepishly scratch the back of your head. “Frisk’s a good kid, and I couldn’t tell you the number of times I forgot my keys myself. They’re welcome any time I’m home, I know how scary it can be.”

“ Oh, thank you. That’s very kind of you,” Toriel started to smile, before she noticed the black bruise your sleeve had been covering before. “Frisk wasn’t trying to roughhouse with you, were they?”

“Hmm?” You looked down and winced, realizing what that had to look like. You had broken the fall of a heavy box with your arm, leaving an odd-looking bruise along the inside of your arm. “Oh! No, no, that’s from work. I’ve always got a few.” You tried to brush it off, but she ran a hand over your arm gently. A shiver ran up your spine from the strange tingle along it.

“ ... Moooom, ewwww! Stop flirting!” Frisk interrupted, pulling a disgusted face.

Thankfully for you, Toriel looked even more flustered than you did. “Frisk! I was not  _ flirting _ , my child, I was merely expressing my gratitude to ____ for looking after you!”

“ That’s what you said about Sans, too!”

“ ... That’s different.”

You quietly wished you could somehow disappear into the ground, knowing all the while the ridiculous blush spreading even down your chest was probably only making Frisk’s case seem more plausible. You let the argument wash over you until you heard your name again.

“ ____, you didn’t think I was flirting, did you?” The lovely goat lady paused for a moment, taking in your mortification, and very carefully applied palm to face. “Oh. Oh dear.”


	2. Interlude: MMOs and Besties

“ Baby bro, I am going to die. Of mortification. Oh my god,” You groaned later that night over one of your favorite MMOs.

“ You still sound pretty lively to me,” He chirped right back, ignoring your groaning in favor of killing more of the little rat people running around on the screen.

“ Ghosts sound pretty lively, haven’t you watched any of that new show? Cooking With The Killer Robot? One of the guest hosts is a ghost--”

“ The one everybody supposedly wants to smooch?”

“ Heck yeah.”

“ Okay so I’m talking to Big Sis’s ghost. Oh no. Now tell me, who do I have to revenge kill?”

“ Frisk. I have never been more mortified in my tragically short life.”

“ Wait. Frisk? As in Frisk Dreemurr? The kid who--”

“ Yeah, their aunt lives next door to me and the poor kiddo got locked out--”

“ Oh my god, ____, did you flirt with their aunt?”

“ Their aunt has a girlfriend! And it’s a closed relationship! No, I did not flirt with their aunt!”

“ Oh this has  _ got _ to be good.”

You took a moment to charge up an attack, unleashing it on your best friend - aka Baby Brother - even though it was useless. “No, no, I uh... I flirted with Toriel. Or. Frisk thinks she started it so maybe we were both flirting? I don’t know just kill me now.”

“ ... So, tell me, does that make you a gold digger or a--”

“ Finish that pun and I will come back from the dead just to strangle you.”

“ \-- _ Goat _ digger.”

“ That’s it, I’m casting phoenix down just to make you eat that pun.”

“ Aww, you’re not even going to throw me in the pungeon?”

“ You’re already in the pungeon. You never  _ left  _ the pungeon. You’re in the midst of ten thousand years of  _ pun _ ishment.”

His laughter does make you feel a bit better, though. 

“ Okay, so, really. You know what comes next, right?”

“ ... go on,” you groan again.

“ You’re gonna curl up, try not to cry, and cry a lot.”

“ I hate you.”

“ Love you too. But really, if you’re gonna yiff in furry hell, at least use protection.”

“ I am going to send you cookies with ex lax chocolate in them!”

“ Sorry sis, I got nothin’. I’m not the filthy sinner here.”

“ ... You send me half the-- you know what I am not yelling that where my neighbors might hear.”  You can barely make out his reply through the laughter and the sound of your forehead hitting your desk multiple times. Eventually you manage to vent enough of your frustration to head to bed, only an hour after your bedtime. Tomorrow was going to be another very long day...


	3. 4 AM

A very long day that started at four am, _this_ time. You had barely had two hours’ sleep, what could possibly be so important?! Of course, running on two hours of sleep, you couldn’t muster the energy to do more than pull a pair of sleep pants back on and stumble to your door, opening it with a sleepy blink to see a cringing yellow figure starting to slink off. “Wazzamatta?”

“Er, I, w-well...” The cute dino-lady, uh, Alphys? stuttered at you. You continued to blink stupidly at her until she finally spat it out. Or, well, thrust it - a key - out at you. “This is in case Frisk gets locked out again, s-so you won’t have to look after them. If you could just hang onto it just in case--”

You took the key as gently as you could manage in your sleep-deprived haze. “Yeah okay great. In the future, the hours between one and nine am are verboten unless something’s on fire and I have to move. Kay?”

“G-got it. Thank you!” She squeaked as you closed the door in her face and locked it again. “Good night!”

Thankfully you were able to sleep through the night afterwards, waking a few minutes before your alarm went off as usual. Today you left your phone by the bed as you dragged yourself off attempt to wake up and prepare for the day. The alarm began to go off moments after you hit the bathroom, and today you let it go off until you had finished as minor, petty revenge for being woken at ungodly hours by your neighbors.

Your morning routine went as usual after that, letting you quietly prepare your breakfast, check if any of your favorite fanfics had updated overnight, and grab a quick cup of coffee before you headed out to work. You were entirely unsurprised to hear enthusiastic shouting in your general direction as you walked to your car and waved without really looking.

You probably should have looked, what with the flying skeleton that landed directly in front of you and all.

“... Mornin’, Papy, have fun with Undyne.” You couldn’t even muster a shriek of surprise at this point, though your eyebrows tried to re-join your hairline.

“INDEED I SHALL!” He sprang to his feet in an acrobatic move that should have separated his vertebrae, and dashed off towards the shouting fish lady you were deliberately not looking at. Undyne in a sports bra and tight pants would have you far more awake and far less alert to the road than you wanted to be. Not that the mental image did anything for your concentration, but you didn't really need any... encouragement.

At least work was as peaceful as it could be when your warehouse opened into the wrong end of the store. Thankfully none of your neighbors tended to come by the place, except Alphys, who knew quite well you would stare at her blankly if she asked more than where something ought to be. Really, who thought it was a good idea to put the clothing and housewares section of the warehouse by the electrical and plumbing aisles? Unfortunately, you had entirely forgotten that both Undyne and Toriel now had your number... so by lunch you had turned your phone from vibrate to silent to let you work in peace.

Undyne’s messages were rather predictable; updating you on her workout with Papyrus, asking why you were so quiet this morning, and asking about your bruises. Toriel’s messages, though, were entirely unexpected. What in the world was she messaging you for?

\--- New Message! ---  
Toriel: Did you know a snail can travel over a razor blade without cutting itself?  
Toriel: Oh dear, did that e-scare-go you away?  
You: OMF I can’t decide if I love that pun or hate it.  
Toriel: Ah! ____! You’re back.  
You: Yeah I’m on lunch. How can I help you?  
Toriel: Well, actually, I was hoping to help you. Would you be free tomorrow evening for a family supper?  
Toriel: Purely to repay you for caring for Frisk.  
Toriel: They must have eaten you out of house and home!

You stared at your phone for a moment, considering. Well, wasn’t like you had minded feeding the kid but...

You: Sure, what time?  
Toriel: 6pm?  
You: Sounds fun. If you’ll send me the address I’ll be there. ;D  
Toriel: Oh, of course. One moment.

Once you had the address, you finally glanced at Undyne’s messages. ... You had nearly fifty.

You: I’m not reading all that. Sup?

\--- New Message! ---  
Undyne: YOU SIT YOUR ASS DOWN AND READ THOSE  
Undyne: THEY’RE HILARIOUS  
You: I’m on lunch DX  
You: I don’t have time you butt!  
Undyne: READ THEM LATER  
You: Okay okay fine  
Undyne: OR I’LL GIVE PAPYRUS YOUR NUMBER  
Undyne: ACTUALLY I’M DOING THAT ANYWAYS  
You: Oh god

\--- New Message! ---  
???: GREETINGS HUMAN ____, THIS IS THE GREAT PAPYRUS  
You: Hi Papyrus.  
Papyrus: AND HOW ARE YOU THIS FINE DAY?  
You: Trying to eat my lunch, but everybody keeps blowing up my phone :(  
Papyrus: OH DEAR I AM VERY SORRY I WILL TELL UNDYNE TO CEASE HER FURIOUS TEXTING AND ALLOW YOU TO EAT.  
Papyrus: HAVE A GOOD DAY NOW.  
You: Thanks.

That was. Surprisingly painless. You already knew Papyrus to be a pretty okay guy, just the sort of cheerful that made you avoid puppies. And him, usually.

... Your lunch was cold. With a discontent grumble you shoveled it down as quickly as you could, just wanting today to be over.

\--- New Message! ---  
???: Pardon me, but do you carry Updogg?  
You: Who the fuck is this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What the- where even-
> 
> My last big fic hasn't even hit 200 hits and yet I'm looking at 330+ already. And I'm dragging almost thirty of you all to furry hell with me.
> 
> Awwww yiiiiis. I'd like to thank my livewrite readers who all ganged up on me and demanded I write this unrepentant fluff monster. And all of you lovely people for smashing my previous record OVERNIGHT. <3
> 
> PS: I will do a thing for whoever correctly guesses who sent that last message.  
> EDIT: Prize has been claimed! It was Alphys. :)


	4. 5 AM

It was five in the morning, and something was staring at you. For a moment you thought it was your overactive imagination, or maybe a dream... but then an unfamiliar voice piped up.

“hey undyne, what’s up? now don’t get bunched up, I didn’t come here to--”

“WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU, HOW DID YOU GET IN MY FUCKING HOUSE, GET THE FUCK OUT--” Your voice went from zero to glass-shattering shriek in the first question, and as the shrieking hit a point of just being wordless screaming, the unfamiliar figure winked out of existence.  
You heard loud shouting from next door, and were able to make out enough to know that was a prank gone wrong. Someone was going to pay... in four hours. You whimpered and pulled the blankets over your head, trying to shut out the noise. Eventually you fell back asleep, grateful that you should be able to sleep in today since you were off.

At precisely nine am, a pounding began at your door, punctuated by your phone vibrating insistently. You swore loudly and thoroughly, pulling pants on and stomping to the door and yanking it open with a manic gleam in your eye.

“Hyeeeesssssss?” You hissed the word out as though it were your last breath instead of your victi--

“...” Papyrus’s mouth hung open as though he had been about to say something but was now reconsidering ever knocking on your door. Evidently Undyne had no such self-preservation instinct though, and shouldered him aside.

“Hey, ____, sorry about the early wake up call, but we have _got_ to work on your response to danger! You were hella lucky it was only Sans tryin’a prank me and Alphys!”

You were already closing the door.

“COME ON, DON’T BE LIKE THAT! WE ARE CONCERNED FOR YOUR SAFETY!” Papyrus held your door open with one hand.

“Yeah! Don’t you wanna kick MONSTER ASS?” Undyne added, clenching a fist in front of herself as though she had an audience to convince of her sincerity and coolness.  
“ You have _no idea_ how much I would like to kick your asses right now.” You finally groaned out. “But if I don’t catch up on my sleep, my head is going to start spinning around while I spit out pea soup. Bug me after noon and we can do punchyfist thing. ‘Kay?”

While they both spluttered in protest, you managed to get the door closed and locked. You leaned against it to make sure they were really going away and looked at your phone. There were texts from two unknown numbers, and you decided that they could wait for now... but as soon as you decided that, the second one popped up with an image.

Morbid curiosity got the better of you, and you opened it to see Frisk had taken a selfie with hot mom-- er, Toriel-- apparently smacking the shit out of some skeleton in the background.

Frisk: looks like you’ve already gotten revenge  
You: thx kid  
You: sleep time is now time

... You still left your phone sitting on the table by the door.

11:30 rolled around and you finally deigned to crawl out of bed and glow ever-so-dimly. You stalked indignantly to the door, looking for your phone while the coffee brewed in the background. Retrieving it, you finally checked the other set of text messages from earlier in the morning.

\---New Message!---  
???: DO NOT KILL PAPYRUS.  
???: so, uh, about that last night.  
???: i mighta gotten the wrong apartment number.  
???: just an innocent little prank on a friend that kinda backfired and ended up.  
???: well.  
???: it was just a little mistake. let's let bybones be bybones and say its water under the bridge, eh?  
You: Papyrus is alive and well.  
You: And I’ll let bygones be bygones as long as you don’t ever pull that shit on me again.  
You: I thought my heart was gonna burst out of my chest holy fuck dude.  
???: k.  
???: we gonna be cool for dinner?  
You: Ice cold.  
???: i knew it.  
You: Snow it.

You couldn’t help grinning to yourself as you shake your head and scramble to get breakfast - mmm, coffee and cake! - and get dressed before Undyne and Papyrus showed up to drag you out to learn to ‘kick monster ass.’ You had to dig a bit to find your exercise clothes, since you’d put them away as summer started to draw to a close... but eventually you found one of your tops and a pair of pants that ought to do well enough. You weren’t really a fan of exercising in public due to your more comfortable shirts showing your bra straps off, but you’d make an exception this time. Considering Undyne didn’t usually even bother with a shirt, you were sure she wouldn’t mind, and might even kick the ass of anyone complaining.

You made your way to your door, picking up your ‘walking stick’ on the way out. It lived by your door because most of the time it was just a rather tall walking stick, but you had spent some time when you were younger learning to put it to good use should someone try to jump you.

“Okay, who are you and what did you do to ____?” Undyne’s voice called out across the lawn. You couldn’t help grinning back. Surely you hadn’t left the house _that_ early?

“It’s me, it’s me. What, never seen me looking good?” You posed for a moment.

“No, actually it’s the bruises,” Undyne raised an eyebrow at you, “I mean... if this is you, I’d hate to see the other guy.”

“Oh like you have any room to talk miss scars and scales,” You snorted, “They’re from work. It gets rough in the warehouse.”

“Oh. Well then... GREAT! LET’S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD!” Undyne’s roar seemed to draw you somewhere else, the world darkening around you as a pulsing green glow was ripped from your chest. Your body took a guarded, ready stance as a barrier formed in front of you. “... Green? Already? DAMMIT! MY SPECIAL ATTACK DOES NOTHING TO YOU!”

“Special _what_?!”

“NEVERMIND THAT!” Undyne shook her head with a grumble. “Green means you can’t escape! You’ll have to face danger head on!”

“... Ob... viously?” You were too confused to respond with anything but honestly. You didn’t like to get _into_ fights, but you had no problem standing your ground once you were in one. Undyne grinned again, and sent a rush of spears at you. You easily blocked them, shield whipping around with your walking stick to knock them aside but not towards her.

“YEAH! That’s what I’m talking about. You’re a natural, ____. Let’s get you good and warmed up!” Undyne continued to throw spears, gradually speeding up until attacks were coming from both sides almost simultaneously, forcing you to move faster and faster to keep up - but she seemed to be taking meticulous care to never actually hit you. The few spears that did make it past your shield fizzed out before they grazed the beating green heart before you.

“Th-this isn’t so bad!” Okay, so you were huffing and puffing already, big deal.

“OH HO HO, IT ISN’T? PERFECT. PAPYRUS, GET IN HERE!”

Papyrus--?! Oh shit. You were _so_ _boned_.

[Suggested Music: [Bonescuffle](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xg2eYFNSPBU) !!Hyperacusis Warning!!]

“NYEH HEH HEH.” Yep. Totally boned.

“YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME--” you burst out as literal bones were added to the projectiles sent flying at you. Bashing them out of the air and away from the two monsters grew harder and harder, but you felt a strange sense of DETERMINATION starting to fill you. You weren’t going to hit your friends, and you weren’t going to get hit, either--!

Your shield dissipated as the glowing heart before you changed from green to red, allowing you to dodge the spears and bones easily this time. You didn’t have time to wonder what that could mean, as blue, slightly translucent bones came flying at you. You dropped to one knee automatically, raising your staff as though it were a shield--

And miraculously, they passed right through you, your guarded stillness somehow protecting you.

“... What.”

“OH MY! HUMAN ____, YOU’VE ALREADY DISCOVERED THE SECRET TO BLUE ATTACKS... BUT ARE YOU PREPARED TO FACE THE GREAT PAPYRUS’S SPECIAL ATTACK?”

“What is _with_ you guys and ‘special attacks’?!” You didn’t have time to dodge the so-called special attack, and with a sinking feeling, watched the heart before you turn blue. When you looked up, though, you saw more bones rushing towards you.

“You’ll have to jump if you want to dodge this time, ___!” Undyne called out, giving you barely enough time to leap over the short bones flying at you. Each little hop sent you just over them, barely protecting the heart before you from harm.

“REALLY GUYS? HOW IS THIS HELPING ME KICK YOUR ASSES?”

“Hey, you’re the one who hit the attacks away from us!” Undyne pointed out with a particularly obnoxious laugh.

You snarled a little in frustration, having to jump higher and higher to avoid Papyrus’s ridiculous bone shenanigans. You dropped to the ground just in time to avoid another transparent bone, and this time, with the next bone flying towards you, you whipped your walking stick into it... sending it flying back towards Papyrus. He dodged with a laugh.

“THAT’S THE SPIRIT! THE GREAT PAPYRUS AND MARVELOUS UNDYNE WILL SOON HAVE YOU KICKING THE REARS OF ANY MONSTER WHO DARES CHALLENGE YOU!”

“Yeah!!” With that exclamation, Undyne got back into the... game? You were fairly certain that this impromptu sparring match was actually a game the three of you were playing with each other. Knocking spears and bones aside, you took care to avoid actually hitting Undyne and Papyrus, while getting closer and closer as you learned how each of their attacks functioned. After a few minutes the strange blue attack began to wear off, leaving your heart pounding red in front of you.

Not too long after, the real world faded back into view. You collapsed gracelessly onto your butt, completely winded. “H-holy shit.”

“Not bad for your first monster battle.” Undyne smirked at you, walking over to offer you a hand up. “You should probably catch a shower before you go over to Toriel’s though.” If she had a nose to wrinkle, you were sure she would have. You certainly did when you caught a whiff of yourself.

“Nah, I think I’ll go over there in my stank and sweaty workout clothes.” You accepted the hand up, which left you entirely vulnerable to the smack upside the head.

“Hey, can the sarcasm.”

“UNDYNE, NOT YOU TOO!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1... 100... +
> 
> Ohmygod you people are amazing. I love you. Another interlude will be posted shortly ;D
> 
> Oh, and as a note: You have a bit more experience in fighting people off than Frisk did, otherwise you would've been pretty damn boned going up against both Undyne and Papyrus.


	5. Interlude: MMOs and Gossip

As it turned out, it was barely past one. Since you didn’t need to be there until six, you took a short break to join your best friend in MMO-land.

“Hello~!” Baby bro’s voice called out while you watched the loading screen.

“Hey bro, you’ll never guess what I’m doing today.”

“Besides going to furry hell with no backup?” You could hear the smug grin in his voice while he continued on with the level.

“... I hate you. So much. That is _exactly_ what I am doing today. I am marching into furry hell for dinner with Toriel and Frisk. And probably Toriel’s new husband or whatever.”

“I... I am trying to think of a response to that, and I have _nothing_. What made you think this was a good idea?”

“Toriel asked me during lunch yesterday. Said it was to pay me back for feeding Frisk,” You groaned, rubbing your face a bit.

“Your life just became an anime. If I wake up with pointy hair I’m blaming you.”

“Don’t you have an undercut?”

“Exactly my point!”

You blew a raspberry into your mic and sighed.

“... So does that make Toriel furry satan?” He finally asked.

“... Sure. Oh, and remember hot neighbor lady?”

“Who doesn’t remember your hot neighbor.”

“Yeah she and the bone dork pinned me down. And made me fight them. Apparently screaming until it goes away is not the best way to react to someone staring at you in the middle of the night.”

"Wait, it's not?"

"No. Oh god, I haven't even told you about that yet have I?"

“No, but now I’m very curious.” The two of you finished clearing a room and sat your avatars down.

"Okay so, 5 AM this morning. I woke up and felt like somebody was watchin' me, and sure enough there is a tiny creepy skeleton and he starts talking like he thinks I'm Undyne--" He snorted loudly enough you paused for dramatic effect. “--And so of course I start screaming like I think that’s gonna do anything.”

"... Was 'Spooky Scary Skeletons' playing in the distance because that would make it perfect."

"I'll 'Spooky Scary Skeletons' your ass,” You growled, only half-joking.

"P-pfft. Sorry, sorry."

"Uh huh. Suuure."

"I meeean iiiiiiit. I'm sowwie,” He whined at you playfully.

"You're a butt. But I forgive you. Aaaaand that’s the elevator, so I’m off to take a shower. I will probably text you from hell later.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously, where did all of you come from? I love you guys. I didn't even have to wiggle the handbasket enticingly!
> 
> Also! Most of the time I will be updating after 9 PM EST, just because that's when I'm usually done with the edits for the day after work. :) So don't be waiting with baited breath you lovely dorks.


	6. Dinner, Part 1

You did in fact take that shower, and carefully coiled your hair up in lazy spirals, bobby pinning it in so that it would fall in loose waves when you were done getting ready. You wanted to make sure you looked okay for this dinner - sure, it was some kind of family affair, but you were still having dinner with the _ex-queen of monsterkind._ Not putting some effort into your appearance would be silly.

You puttered around in your closet without bothering to put anything on yet, letting your skin air-dry. You considered for a moment. Nice, but not too formal. You wore pinstripe pants even to work so those would work, and a nice black polo shirt would look good... but that was pretty monochrome. Eventually you decided to add a sleeveless sweater with small pyramidal spikes around the neckline. It looked rather good together, if a bit avant guarde.

You grinned at the imagined response to it and headed back to the bathroom to do a little make-up while your hair finished drying. You dug around in your make-up bag for a moment, finally deciding on your go-to lipstick. It worked for almost anything as it was almost the same color as your lips and just made them look shinier and sparklier. A light dusting of blush, slightly heavier eye shadow - with the little white dot just on the lid of your eye to make your eyes look brighter and more awake - and the lipstick, and you were set for that. Given you almost never bothered with make-up, you usually went for the so-called natural look. It was always funny watching people try to figure out what was different.

Your hair was mostly dry by now, so you carefully took out the pins and began finger-combing it. The result was a carefully-mussed, slightly curly fluff that was probably going to make Frisk stare in wonder. You remembered being awed by the way grown-ups could change their appearance at will when you were that age. You grinned to yourself, checked the time and took a few ~~dozen~~ selfies. You looked good, and why not? How often did you get to fancy up to have dinner with an ex-queen?

That done, you set off, arriving about fifteen minutes early. Frisk opened the door before you could quite knock on it, grabbing your upraised hand and dragging you inside excitedly.

“Both my dads are gonna be here! This is great!”

“Both your dads?” You were a little confused. Sure, Toriel had said family dinner, but why would Frisk be so exci-- oh. Oh, shit.

“Yeah! Dad! Hey, dad!” They waved to the skeleton Toriel had been mom-swatting in the selfie Frisk sent you earlier. His grin seemed to stretch a little wider. “____, this is Sans. He’s a real comic!”  
It took you a moment to sort through the pun and figure out what Frisk meant as well as find some way to counter what was one of the worse puns you’d heard today. “... Oh, yeah. We’ve met. He seems like a real _stand-up_ guy.”

“yeah, you could say i’m a seraph.”

“Aww, and here I thought Frisk was the li’l angel,” you winked, reaching over to ruffle their hair.

“MOOOOOOM!” Frisk whined loudly.

“Yes, my little cherub?”

“... not you toooooo.” Oh no. Tweenaged angst. You could barely keep a straight face already.

“Well, while it’s more your father’s principality, I think I have a few winners myself,” Toriel winked at Sans.

“you’ll always have the throne, tori.”

Okay. You had to snort.

Toriel shook her head with a smile. “We have one more guest coming, though I think I heard Frisk telling you.” You nodded. “Excellent! Please make yourself comfortable, it will be a few more minutes.”

“Okay! Thank you again.” You couldn’t help beaming up at her.

Frisk had barely hauled you into the living room by the hand they had yet to release when you heard the door open again. Frisk grinned mischievously up at you, motioning for you to stay quiet and not look behind you yet.

“Toriel, Sans, have you heard yet? Undyne and your brother are training with a human who lives next to her! The results are looking very promising already!” The voice that boomed out behind you was uncomfortably familiar. That was Asgore Dreemurr, and he hadn’t yet realized that you were here, or were the human he was talking about.

You glared down at Frisk and mouthed, “Traitor.” They nodded, a massive grin plastered on their face.

“yeah majesty we heard about that. pretty boss, isn’t it?”

“Oh, yes! I do so hope to have the chance to meet them. Perhaps they’ll be interested in training with me as well as Undyne and Papyrus...”

You felt an almighty blush coming on, turning you even redder than when Toriel took your hand. Massive, buff, _gorgeous_ king with his chest heaving, telling you how well you’re doing?

“well you know my bro. odds are he and undyne’ll bring her along sometime.”

“Her? How lovely! Another lady knight would do so much good for everyone’s morale.”

“yeah, it just hasn’t been the same since the quiz show special, has it? bet she’ll want to meet you eventually. royalty and all.”

“Yes, yes exactly. The diplomatic benefits will be astronomical, but more so... Well, I can only imagine what a delight they must be to have Undyne laughing so much while describing their sparring match.”

“sorry, boss, wasn’t there, couldn’t tell you. i know bro’s gotten better lately. if she could hold off the both of them even when they’re trying to hold back, must be something.” Their voices were getting closer. Oh no, oh no oh no-- Frisk practically pushed you onto the couch, still beaming like a tiny hellchild and keeping a firm hold on your hand so you had no possible chance to bolt.

“Oh, another dinner guest? Toriel didn’t mention anyone else...”

... You felt your sins crawling on your back. These two are going to be your doom, aren’t they.

“oh. speak of the devil and she will appear. hi ____.”

“H-hi.” You barely managed to smile and wave before your previously free hand was absolutely engulfed in a massive, white-furred one, another patting over the top with grave gentleness.

“Ah! Miss ____, I didn’t realize you were here. It’s such a pleasure to meet you! I do apologize if we’ve flustered you, Frisk has an... unusual sense of humor at the best of times.” He looked so... different, up close and without his armor. Large, gentle eyes peered down at you, a warm smile already in place. Asgore’s presence and build were still incredible, but without the armor it was less intimidating and more... inviting.

You stuttered through a greeting, entirely unable to can. Frisk, though, gleefully broke through your haze of oh-god-why.

“Hey, remind me why you have like a _million_ cans of dirt all over the place again?”

“I do not have a _million_ cans of dirt, I have like twenty!”

“yeah ‘cause twenty is so much better.”

“You have no room to talk, mister I-prank-my-friends-at-five-am-and-get-the-wrong-apartment.” You went to point a finger at Sans, and realized that Asgore still had ahold of your hand. Your blush quickly returned.

“... I think I would like to hear the answer.” He smiled down at you hopefully.

“I, uh, indoor gardening. Cans are easier to move and rotate on a windowsill than a big planter and they’re practically free.”

Asgore’s eyes quite literally lit up in glee on hearing that you gardened. You weren’t quite sure why Frisk’s grip on your other hand changed to a deathgrip, but you didn’t have a chance to check on them. “Oh! What sort of things are you growing in cans?”

“Uh... herbs, mostly. Mint, basil, oregano...”

“hey kids. i think ____ would like her hands back. so she can eat and all.”

Asgore and Frisk both seemed to notice they had taken you captive at the same time, Frisk rapidly dropping your hand while the king... noticed the bruises you’d forgotten to cover up this time. He firmly turned your arm over to get a better look at the long bruise running down your arm. It had lightened to a sickly brownish green, but was still obvious against your skin.

“... Did Undyne and Papyrus do this to you?” The thunderous expression on his face sent a thrill through you, one that nearly made you squirm.

“No, no, no!” You shook your head quickly, not wanting either of them in trouble over this. “No, they’re from work. It can get kind of rough in the warehouse. My boss even calls me goofball, says I’m gonna trip and bust my head open one of these days.” You patted his hand, trying to be reassuring. “I’m used to it.”

Each word just seemed to dig you deeper and deeper into the hole, though, as both monsters and the human child present looked at you with growing concern. You weren’t quite sure how a gigantic goat monster was managing to give you kicked puppy eyes, but he was, and you found yourself hunching in a little.

“It is most troubling to hear that such conditions are considered acceptable. I’ll look into the matter.” Asgore finally released your hand with another oh-so-gentle pat that mostly landed on his own fingers.

“yeah. not liking your job is one thing. this is something else,” Sans nodded. You had a feeling you were going to be seeing a lot more of him.

“I like my job!” You protested, much to the surprise of Asgore and Sans. “It’s a lot better than cashiering. I have a lot of time to think and focus.”

“You’re willing to endure being injured for that?”

You shrugged a little. “Getting a little banged up in an environment that constantly changes is nothing new to me. I mean, I used to bruise my hips on the little bag hanger things if I was working at a desk set up differently than what I had worked at the day before.”

Asgore struggled to keep his expression neutral. You weren’t quite sure what he was fighting to keep off his face, but it made you want to squirm like a particularly naughty child caught red-handed.

“Dinner’s ready, everyone!” Toriel called out, delicious smells finally registering in your nose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More coming tomorrow. For now... enjoy your squees.


	7. Dinner, Part 2

You weren’t entirely sure how it happened, but you ended up seated between Toriel and Asgore at the big, round table. Sans and Frisk both grinned at you from across the table, eagerly watching you take in the massive feast.

Each plate was set with a monster-sized pot pie - you were pretty sure that to Toriel or Asgore they were ‘personal’ sized, but for the rest of you they were almost as big as a normal pie. As sides there were brussel sprouts and au gratin potatoes, again in monster-sized portions. You didn’t think you were going to make it through all of this, but damned if you weren’t going to  _ try _ ! 

There were a few minutes of quiet eating noises as everyone tucked in, enjoying the hearty, delicious food. The pie was filled with chunks of meat and veggies thoughtfully sized for human mouths, with a thick, creamy sauce with just enough kick to surprise.

“ Oh! Did you add garlic to the filling?” You blurted out.

Toriel blinked in surprise. “Why... yes. Goodness, ____, you’re the first person to guess my secret ingredient!” She smiled down at you. 

“ Oh, well, it’s only because I do that too.” You nervously scratched the back of your head, embarrassed to have exposed a family recipe secret so easily.

“ No, no, it’s perfectly alright. I always thought the sauce tasted a little plain, otherwise.” Toriel chuckled. You grinned and relaxed, starting to eat again.

And then you felt it. A massive hand, big enough to engulf your head easily, gently stroking your hair back into place with all the delicacy of a collector smoothing the hair of their favorite doll. You could still see Toriel eating out of the corner of your eye, so it couldn’t be her...

King Asgore was straightening your hair.  _ The King of Ebott was straightening your hair.  _ With a delicacy that belied his size. He was so careful, as though afraid even a slight mistake might hurt you, that you didn’t even flinch from the surprising contact. The part of your mind that wasn’t focused on being oh-so-delicately pet on took a few quick leaps, though, and your mind hit the gutter like the water was concrete, a massive blush flooding your face... even your ears and throat must have been getting in on the act from how hot everything felt. His hand rested delicately on your shoulder, warm against it and your neck. Yes, yes, clearly, that was why you were so flushed. So much warm, soft fur so close to your head was making the room feel much hotter than it actually was.

“ Frisk! No phones at the table!” Toriel’s scolding snapped you out of your haze, much to Asgore’s amusement and at the perfect moment for Frisk to take a picture of you looking horribly embarrassed and utterly surprised.

“ Sorry mom,” Frisk cooed. “I just wanted to get a picture of how pretty ____ looks!”

“ yeah ____ is lookin’ pretty cute, isn’t she, boss?”

You were going to end them. You would find a way. Assuming you couldn’t somehow become one with the floor, first. 

Asgore’s hand tightened on your shoulder very slightly, just the faintest bit of a reassuring squeeze. “I think ____ looks lovely, but I am disappointed to see such a flagrant disrespect of her. Especially when she’s a guest in your mother’s house, Frisk.”

Frisk pouted slightly but put their phone away. “Sorry ____, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. You just looked really really cute blushing like that.”

“ I... I appreciate the compliment, Frisk.” Your face was burning even more now. Across the table you could see Sans beaming in Toriel’s general direction, but it hadn’t yet occurred to you to question why exactly he seemed so pleased by this. Or why Toriel wasn’t objecting for the same reasons. 

After another moment of awkwardly not staring at each other, everyone resumed eating. It took you a good few minutes to realize Asgore hadn’t removed his hand from your shoulder. You looked up at him, confused, and received a wink and gentle squeeze in response, before he continued on like nothing had happened. You didn’t care to shrug his hand off, even if eating would probably have been easier for him with both hands.

Eventually, Toriel broke the silence. “So, Frisk, how was your day? I remember you had a meeting with the dean.”

Sans snorted so loudly that you jumped a bit. “oh, jeeze, yeah. turns out some little turd was blaming frisk for his dad running off with a monster.”

Frisk perked back up with a laugh. “Yeah. He tried to fight me yesterday! He was sooooo sloooow though. I was basically Mettaton-walking around his fists. Couldn’t land a single punch!”

Toriel’s eyebrows were slowly climbing. You managed not to snort at Frisk’s description.

“ yep. s’not like frisk’s ever thrown a punch but the dean was getting pi-- p’d off because they still leave the other kids in tears or completely blanked out.” Sans shrugged. The others looked satisfied until you raised an eyebrow.

“ Standing still, huh?”

“ Yep!” Frisk nodded, grinning widely.

“ You’ve got good reflexes, kiddo.”

Sans started to sweat. You managed not to boggle at a sweating skeleton, but your confusion was still obvious. “i uh. just realized. frisk started getting faster after they started  _ training _ with undyne and my bro. with two fast humans to keep up with ‘em, i might have to start working hard to keep ahead of him.”

“ Speaking of working hard,” Toriel interrupted before Sans could force his foot any deeper down his throat than he already had, “Frisk tells me you usually get home pretty late, ____. It was after six when you were able to let them in...”

“ O-oh, yeah. Today and tomorrow are the days I usually have off, otherwise I wouldn’t’ve been able to make it for dinner,” You shrugged a little.

Toriel frowned gently at you. “What sort of hours are you working, dear?”

“ Oh, uh, ten to seven most days, with one ten to six that rotates weekly. Not too early, and I get off before the streets start drifting overnight during the winter!”

“ wow. i knew the streets were shifty, but drag races are a new low.” 

“ Icee what you did there,” You didn’t even miss a beat this time.

“ So you’re working around forty hours a week?” Toriel raised an eyebrow.

“ That’s what it averages out to.” You nodded.

“ Goodness. I’m surprised you have time for anything at all, working through the middle of the day like that,” She smiled warmly. “I suppose that explains why you prefer indoor gardening.”

“ Hah, yeah. I don’t have to worry about weeds. Not to mention the apartment complex kind of frowns on residents landscaping on their own. I do help with the community gardens though, I’ve been trying to talk them into making raised beds next year.”

Asgore raised an eyebrow at you. “I was wondering who submitted that proposal. I’m unfamiliar with the technique.”

“ Oh. It’s actually a lot easier than the traditional tilling method and can produce more food in less space. You don’t have to lean down as far, you don’t have to weed nearly as much,  _ and  _ it lets the plants grow better since the dirt around them never gets packed down. It’s more or less like container gardening on a larger scale.”

“ Hmm. Nysnbel said they were looking into it. Have the two of you gotten together to discuss it anymore since?”

It took you a moment to match a name to a person, vegetoid, whatever, before you shrugged a bit. “Well, given it isn’t going to be too relevant until next year, we’ve really just bounced potential layouts against each other. I think they’re still taking in surveys on what everyone wants to grow next year. We can’t do too much planning until we know that.”

“ That was the survey Hinusk put together, wasn’t it?”

“ Mmhmm,” you nodded. Sounded about right?

A spark of recognition finally flashed in his eyes. “ _ You’re  _ the one who suggested the compost piles!”

“ Oh. Uh. Yeah. Figured it would help reduce the waste associated with the gardens if everybody started contributing to a compost pile. Hopefully we’ll have enough that it’ll reduce fertilizer costs, you know?” You heard Toriel ask a question of Sans and Frisk, but didn’t pay much attention to it.

“ Oh yes. It’s a very clever way to help successive plantings, as well,” Asgore captured your attention again. 

“ Exactly. Unfortunately nobody thought to collect seeds except from the herbs, but once we start doing that regularly the gardens should be nearly self-sustaining. That’s another reason for the raised beds, really - all you have to do is add a bit more compost and mix it in and it’s ready to go.”

“ That’s after the initial setup, of course?”

“ Yeah. That’s a bit more labor intensive but when done right, you only have to do it the once.”

“ Hey, ____,” Frisk interrupted.

“ Mmn?”

“ How come you live in a two bedroom if you don’t have a roommate?”

“ Oh. Uh. Gonna have a roommate in a couple months, once the paperwork clears. My best friend’s been planning on moving here for ages, so I went ahead and got a two bedroom. It wasn’t that much more,” You shrugged a bit.

“ best friend?”

“ Yeah. He’s like a little brother to me.”

The entire table blinks at you for a minute, before Asgore grins. “It’s good of you to take commitments to your family of choice so seriously.”

“ Hmm,” Toriel raised an eyebrow, glancing around at plates and taking into account eating speeds. “Well, it looks like everyone’s just about finished. Who wants pie?”

“ Butterscotch-cinnamon?” Asgore asked hopefully.

“ Of course!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapters may come a bit slower now, I've powered through my backlog. On the other hand, it's back to the grind tomorrow and I'll probably have way too much time to think so... we'll see!


	8. And A Movie!

You weren’t entirely sure how you managed to eat the butterscotch-cinnamon pie, too. The slice alone was nearly as big as your head, and your stomach was making distinct grumbly noises when you excused yourself to the bathroom.

\---New Message!---  
Frisk: what’s your twitter?  
You: Why  
Frisk: reasons  
You: send me the pic and I’ll tell you  
Frisk: deal [Image Attached!]  
You: it’s @_______  
Frisk: sweet

\---New Message!---  
Bro: Hey are you still alive over there?????  
You: I am in furry hell.  
You: Don’t send help.  
Bro: Good luck, and may Furry Satan have mercy on your soul.  
You: BTW Toriel is not furry satan. This guy is. [Image Attached!]  
Bro: oh  
Bro: my  
Bro: god  
You: And with that I march back into hell ;D

You took another few moments to pat your face with a slightly damp washcloth, took a deep, steadying breath, and did indeed march back into hell with a smile on your face. Nearly as soon as you’d left the room, Frisk slipped an arm through yours, grinning at you hopefully.

“We’re gonna watch a movie! You can stay, right?” When you paused, you were faced with big, wibbly puppy eyes and a pouting lower lip. “Pleaaaaase?”

“Alright, alright, if your mom says yes. But only one, I’ve got stuff I’ve gotta do in the morning, squirt.”

“YES!” Frisk fist-pumped, hugged your arm tightly, and dashed off, leaving you to make your way back to the living room in their shouting wake. You smiled and rolled your eyes a little. Hopefully Toriel wouldn’t feel pressured to say yes.

On the contrary, it seemed to be a unanimous ‘yes, please!’ to your staying. The movie of the night was Spirited Away. You’d seen it and knew you enjoyed it... and watching it with monsters and a child with a somewhat similar story was sure to enhance the experience.

Well.

If everyone could fit on the couch. It was one of those large, slightly curved ones that combined a couch and loveseat, and even with it monster-sized... well. Trying to fit a seven and a half foot boss monster, nearly-seven-foot boss monster, plus a regular sized human and two pipsqueaks all at once had some distinct difficulties. Until Frisk sat themself half on your lap, half laying against Asgore. With one of Asgore’s arms draped over the side of the couch, everyone fit. Barely.

You, meanwhile, were wedged firmly against one arm of the couch, one side pressed up against Asgore as little as possible - you couldn’t help thinking it was rude to lean on him the way Frisk was, you weren’t family - and pinned in place by a small tween who was absolutely not moving, no matter how you shifted around. Thankfully, Asgore seemed to notice your bony-little-butt-based discomfort and lifted Frisk with one hand.

“Frisk, let her get comfortable before you sprawl.”

“Awwww.”

Toriel snorted from somewhere to Asgore’s left and offered a blanket. “This should protect your legs, ____. Or I can take Frisk if they’re bothering you.”

“N-no, I don’t mind being sat on. Just needed the padding,” You mumbled, settling yourself quickly so Asgore could put the little hellion back where they had settled themself.

Frisk grinned and settled down again, worming their feet under part of the blanket.

“now can we watch the movie?”

“Heck yes!”

It was nearly two and a half hours later when the little dinner party finally wound down, well past Frisk’s bedtime. As you walked to your car, you noticed you had a looming, suspiciously pale shadow. Instead of opening the door, you turned and leaned against it, one arm leaning casually against it with your keyfob held clearly. It was a trick you had learned in case you needed to quickly get out of a conversation, and was just habit now.

Asgore didn’t seem to notice - he was looking up at the stars, smiling a surprisingly melancholy smile. “Ah, pardon me, Miss ____. I didn’t mean to startle you,” His gaze slid towards you, then back towards the sky.

You glanced up, taking in the ever-changing sky you took for granted. “It’s alright. Bet it rains tomorrow.”

“What makes you say that?”

“There’s clouds away from the mountain, and this is the side that gets rained on more often. The leaves haven’t started turning over yet, but... That’s usually fairly closer to the rain.”

“... You have an astonishing knowledge of plants.”

“Most of it’s just folk wisdom I’ve picked up from my family.

“Nonetheless, it’s impressive. I’d like to learn more about the techniques you were speaking of. I don’t suppose I could convince you to see me again tomorrow?”

“Ah, tomorrow’s really my cooking day...”

“Cooking day?” He raised an eyebrow, full attention returning to you.

“Oh, yeah. Too much of a hassle to cook every day with my schedule, so I try to do most of it once a week. I make enough for two weeks and freeze half of it,” You shrugged.

“You cook two weeks’ worth of food in an apartment kitchen?”

“Yeah. The cleanup’s a real riot,” you rolled your eyes a little.

He grinned, just a little mischievous. “How would you feel about cooking in a proper kitchen for once? I’m curious how you go about preparing that much food.”

“You want to watch me cook?”

“Mmhmm.”

“... Well, okay. Probably be mid-afternoon-ish,” you started slowly.

He held out a hand. “Pass me your phone for a moment, and you can send me the details later.” You passed him your phone, surprised but pleased. A moment later, it was handed back. “All you need to do is bring your ingredients and storage containers. I’ll provide the rest.”

“O-okay.”

He touched your hand lightly. “Have a wonderful evening, ____.”

“You too... Asgore.”

His smile of approval followed you all the way home. It wasn’t until you had gotten ready for, and were laying in bed, that it hit you.

\---Message: Bro---  
You: BRO ASGORE GAVE ME HIS NUMBER

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt from the chat that watches me write this: "My butt's on them, now they're mine." - Frisk, probably.
> 
> I'm tired. Sorry the chapter was late folks, wasn't a great day. Probably gonna slow down to a chapter every two days or so, more often when I can manage it. Just don't want you lovelies to be risking confiscated phones or anything :P
> 
> PS: If I don't respond to your comment, it's because the most coherent response I have in me is a keyboard smash, 'thank you!!!!!' and about a billion heart emoji. ILU guys.


	9. Soup!

\---New Message!---

Bro: HOLY SHIT I CAN'T SAVE YOU NOW  
You: WE HAVE A COOKING DATE TOMORROW  
You: LIKE I AM 90% SURE HE WAS ASKING ME ON A DATE AND I WAS A MORON ABOUT IT  
Bro: OMF Well have fuuuun~  
You: Bro my fucking king asked me out on a date nothing can save me  
Bro: Is that even a problem, though? Be honest.  
You: Well I mean. I dunno??? It almost seems like his hella hot ex-wife set it up.  
Bro: ... Who knows. Maybe she did. He's... one heck of an exception if that's true.  
You: oh god  
You: yeah I dunno man I had the same reaction to both of them maybe I'm just that much of a furry????  
Bro: Yeah maybe, who knows? :P  
You: ... help.

After a moment, skype blooped at you insistently. You answered the call.

“Okay, sis? Answer me this. What do you think of him kissing you?”

Your mind once more hits the gutter with enough force it feels like hitting concrete instead. “... Um. I’m not answering that.”

“Good not answering that or...?”

“V-very, very good.”

“Okay so you’re not completely gynosexual. At least you really know how to pick ‘em?”

“Oh my god shut up.” You flopped backwards, managing to drop your phone on your face. You could hear faint laughter in response. “Okay, call and freakout over.”

“Toodles!”

“I will end you.”

10:30 AM saw you up and on your computer again, checking sale and coupons. You kept a tight food budget, both for your health and to help save money for when your bro finally arrived. It didn’t take you long to decide the next week’s ‘menu.’ Meatball soup was fast, easy, delicious, _and_ froze well so you could stock up for a week in the future. That decided, you considered snacking and drink options, decided what you could get away with - you could only handle so much processed food, okay?! - and wrote yourself a list. That only got you to 11 AM, though, so you started your laundry and did the dishes. You needed your canning jars clean anyways. It was your favorite way to store soup, or really anything that was mostly liquid, even if you intended to freeze it rather than ‘can’ it.

With your chores done, you took a shower and got dressed. You hadn’t wanted to end up with soap and gods alone knew what else was in your kitchen sink on your clothes when you met with Asgore. Another set of dark green pin-stripe slacks, a pale green button down, and black vest left you looking snazzy, but not so snazzy you would be devastated if you had to immediately wash everything when you got home.

Naturally, shopping took until 2 PM. Thoroughly reminded of why you usually did your grocery shopping in the middle of the night before cooking day, you nearly collapsed into your car.

\---Message: Asgore---  
You: Ok where exactly are we meeting up?  
Asogre: ____?  
You: Yeah! Sorry.  
Asgore: It’s perfectly fine :)  
Asgore: I will have the details in one moment.

Once you had the address, it only took you fifteen minutes to get there. To your surprise, Asgore was waiting for you, and insisted on helping carry in your ingredients and jars.

That was probably a good thing, because you almost dropped what little the king had let you take. The kitchen was easily large enough to handle feeding the palace - screw calling it a government building, it was a palace - staff on a daily basis, but it wasn’t the chrome wasteland you expected of a professional kitchen. While many of the appliances were industrial-sized, the atmosphere felt like an enlarged home kitchen, right down to the homey decorations scattered around.

“I take it you approve?” Asgore’s tone was slightly teasing as he sat your things down.

You nodded numbly.

“Good. It’s ah, considered good luck for a green soul to be the first to cook in a new kitchen.”

“... Huh, really?” You snapped out of your daze, searching around for bowls. Once you found them, you set to filling them with your bags of frozen goodies and filling them with hot water.

“Mm. It’s been a long time since I could honor that sort of tradition, but yes. Do you know much about soul colors?”

“Not really. Just that being green made Undyne really mad,” You shrugged. Pot, pot, po- there’s a big pot. That should do it! Spoon, knife, cutting board... You emptied your stock and gravy into the pot, along with just enough water to clear out the gravy jars. You turned the heat on low, mixed it well, added a shot of rum... and got to work on the rest.

“Would you be interested in learning about it? It could be useful to you in your training,” He tilted his head and grinned a little at you.

You glanced over at him, smiling a secretive little smile. “Assuming Undyne doesn’t get bored with me.” You leaned against the counter. Nothing to do but wait for the meatballs to thaw so you could cut them down to something more suitable for spoons.

“Who said anything about Undyne?” He loomed over you, grin growing broader.

“Hmm, well, she _was_ the one training me...” You tapped your finger against your cheek in mock-thought.

He interrupted your apparent musings with a finger under your chin, tilting your head up and raising his eyebrows slowly.

“Yes, I’d like to learn about it,” you grinned a cheeky grin, “If you’re willing to teach me, of course.”

“I don’t know, am I?”

“I think you are.”

“And if I’m not?”

Your eyes narrowed slightly. What sort of game was he playing? “Well, I’d imagine you’re not the only person I could ask...”

The grin that earned you was slightly unnerving. “You don’t have a cowed bone in your body, do you?”

“... Nope.”

“Good,” He slowly lowered his hand, knuckles brushing down your throat in a hot, soft brush of fur that stole your breath. “You can’t afford to be cowed by anyone. Especially not _me_. Do you understand?”

You put a hand lightly to your throat. “... I believe I do.”

His sunny disposition returned in an instant. “So, now what?”

“Uh.” It took you a moment to get your bearings, but once you remembered where you were, you checked the meatballs. “Need to change the water on these, they haven’t quite thawed yet.”

He watched you putter around and dug through your groceries while he thought you were distracted. “... What sort of tea is this?”

“Hmm? Which box?”

“The one with the little flowerbuds on it.”

“Chamomile-lavender. It’s to help with stress.”

“And the pomegranate?”

“Diuretic.”

“... Cinnamon-hibiscus?”

“Also a diuretic, also tasty.”

“... You’re an herbalist, aren’t you.”

You went cold all over. How could he have guessed from just _that_?

“I see. I would have thought magic would have died out in this land without monsters to add to the ambient power... there again, you aren’t using your own power, are you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh dear, you are in a panic now, aren't you?
> 
> Chat Excerpt: "You feel Asgore's sins crawling up your back. It's much better than when yours do."


	10. Witches?

“You’re using the power in the plants! It’s really a very clever way around the restrictions,” Asgore noticed you weren’t speaking and turned towards you, still looking bright and pleased before he spotted how white you’d gone. His voice and demeanor grew soft and gentle. “____, it’s alright. I’m not accusing you, I’m pleased. Truly.”

You shivered and looked up at him, eyes still unsure. “Most people get upset when they realize someone is a witch...”

“Why would I get upset?” He blinked gently. “The magic you’re doing here, even with the spices I see in that bag, they’re good things. You’re showing the ambient energy what patterns to move in, cooking home and comfort into the kitchen with the meals.”

Your face lit up and you looked down. He sighed a tolerant sigh.

“Do you need a moment?”

“K-kinda.”

“How about I put the kettle on. We can have some of your tea?”

“Sure,” your voice got a little steadier. You fiddled with the thawing meatballs, listening to Asgore getting the kettle started.

“One bag of each kind?”

“Mmhmm,” You nodded, looking over. “I usually put them in while the water heats up. Stronger tea that way.”

“That explains why Frisk liked it so well,” He smiled kindly, continuing to putter around. Once he finished getting cream, sugar, and the teacups out, he sat down to watch you. You decided it would be a bit longer before your meatballs were thawed and joined him. “So, tell me about your brother?”

“Worried he’s competition?” You arched your eyebrows, trying not to laugh.

He thought about it for a moment, tilting his head. “... No. You don’t seem the type.”

You almost preened. “He’s, well, another witch. Different style from me, but that’s more or less how we met. We’ve been friends since before I moved to Ebott. I grew up an only child, and he’s... like the baby brother I never had. Sweet, but also a little snot, you know?”

“How old is he?”

“21, almost 22.”

“So a few years younger than you... Hm. If you leave his details with me, I’ll see if I can accelerate the residency papers.”

You placed a hand on Asgore’s. “We’d really appreciate that. His home situation... isn’t really the greatest. The sooner he’s out of there...”

“The better. I recall that being how Frisk found the underground. Don’t worry,” He turned his hand over, squeezing yours gently. “I’ll make sure your brother is accepted as quickly as possible.”

The kettle whistled before either of you could say anything more. He stood slowly, retrieving it and pouring the tea. You got the message to stay put loud and clear, waiting until he handed you your cup to doctor your tea the way you liked it.

“Thank you. For everything.”

He smiled slowly. “It’s something I wish I could do more of. Maybe we should add that to the paperwork, so we can accelerate it if it’s flagged...”

“Sounds like a plan,” you nodded, sipping your tea slowly. Perfect.

“... I don’t suppose you know of other witches in the community?”

“Da... well, nearly any human who isn’t whining about monsters probably is one,” You shrugged. “That’s why a lot of us moved here in the first place - Ebott was a place where magic wasn’t regarded as badly, and where it was easier to do it. Short of emigrating, Ebott was the best place any human who’s sensitive to magic could go.”

“So magic was leaking past the barrier,” Asgore rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “This _is_ very good tea! I’m impressed.”

“That wouldn’t surprise me,” You blushed at the compliment and sipped your tea to keep from sticking your foot in your mouth. Still, you felt calmer already. “It’s... even easier now that you’re free.”

Asgore’s grin was rather grimmer than you’d like. You narrowed your eyes slightly and reached over. His eyes focused on your hand just before you booped him on the snoot. The roar of laughter that earned you nearly made you fall from your seat. “I- I can’t believe you just did that!”

“What, booped your sniffer?”

“The proper term,” he attempted to look stern, but his shoulders kept shaking from suppressed giggles, “is _snootle,_ thank you very much.”

“Oh, snootle, I’m terribly sorry,” You tried not to laugh into your tea.

Asgore finally broke down and smirked. “You’d better be. I might have to turn you over my knee, otherwise.”

“Really? I’m not sure I’m sorry at _all_ then,” you smirked back.

Asgore’s eyes raked over you slowly, making it abundantly clear your clothes were still on only because you had yet to remove them. Normally you didn’t get such looks, so it was a rather heady mix of sitting straighter with pride and wondering when he had hit his head. His voice came out in a deep rumble you felt roll down your spine like his darkest sins. “I think you should finish making your soup before we discuss knees and the bending thereof.”

You nodded, swallowing hard against your suddenly dry mouth. Asgore looked thoroughly pleased by the reaction. You gulped down your tea and unsteadily walked to the counter. The meatballs needed just a little longer, so you searched around until you found two tall pitchers and sat them on the table in front of Asgore. “... We’re going to need more tea.”

“We... are?”

“Considering how _thirsty_ we both are, yeah.”

Asgore bit his lip to try to keep a snort of laughter in, completely failing at it. “I-- alright, alright, moment’s gone. Oh dear gods.”

You smirked at having regained the upper hand, drained the meatballs, and got started chopping them into a size that was easier to eat from a spoon. They and the vegetables went into the soup not long after, you turned the heat up, and were able to sit back down.

“Are we really ready to discuss this?” Asgore arched his eyebrows at you, pushing another cup of tea across to you.

“I’m not ready to actually _do_ anything yet.” You shrugged.

“Perhaps we should save that discussion for another date, then?”

You grinned slightly, sipping your tea. You were pleasantly surprised to discover he’d already made it the way you liked it. “Sounds like a plan. What were you thinking?”

“A private room at Mettaton’s next... Tuesday?”

“I can do that. I take it you want to see me all fancied up?”

“You’re not already?”

“Well, I mean, not really. This is a pretty normal off-work outfit for me.”

“Mmmn. You prefer to eat later in the evening, I gather, so... eight thirty?”

You nodded, smiling into your tea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bwahahaha. Have a very brief introduction to how magic works.
> 
> From the Furry Hell chat, courtesy of Fabricati:
> 
> "Clearly we're going to need two pitchers of ice tea"  
> "Huh"  
> "Look at our EXTREME THIRST"


	11. Interlude: Comic Sans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's a little different, folks, sorry about that!

\---Message: Alphys---  
Sans: tell me about ____.  
Alphys: What?  
Sans: look i’m curious okay.  
Sans: the way she was talking about work got me thinking.  
Alphys: Her job is at least as shitty as you think it is.  
Sans: why’s she still there?  
Alphys: Probably because it’s steady. She knows exactly how much she’s going to bring home and that it’ll be enough to cover her expenses.  
Sans: what.  
Alphys: I mean that isn’t the kind of thing she’ll talk to me about but ever since they moved her to the warehouse her schedule hasn’t changed in the slightest.  
Alphys: It’s probably a nice change of pace. The first seven or so months we lived here about the only time she talked to us was when she hit on both of us.  
Alphys: And that was after an early morning shift so I think that was more not having a filter than because she suddenly felt outgoing.  
Alphys: Sans?  
Sans: what’s she actually do.  
Alphys: Something called ‘processing.’ I guess the way their stuff is shipped makes it so somebody has to make it presentable before it goes out on the sales floor?  
Sans: what did she do before that.  
Alphys: Cashiering. It’s kind of funny... after they moved her to the warehouse, nearly all of their other cashiers quit. It’s pretty awful up there now, only two of the cashiers know what they’re doing anymore.

Sans stared at his phone for a minute. All together, this added up to an entire pile of go fuck yourself with the retail chain’s name on it. Still, it didn’t seem right that he’d be the one to deliver it. Or maybe that was just his own bullshit talking.

Sans: what was the store again.  
Alphys: Sans, don’t cause trouble for her!  
Alphys: She’s stressed enough already!  
Sans: nah this is kingdom stuff.  
Sans: honest.

He shouldn’t have said that. It was probably a damned dirty lie. Hell, it might have even been statistics.

Alphys: . . . Fine.

Chain and address in hand, Sans knew a fast shortcut to get right there. It wasn’t quite a dump, but he could tell it was marketed to the sort of person to whom a big metal barn looked like home. The lot was filled, mostly with trucks and a scattered few cars. The inside was even worse - dingy, bare concrete floors, check lanes that looked like they’d been ripped from some old sitcom’s set, and far too many people trying to go out the in door. The cashiers looked harried, the person he could only guess was the front end manager looked ready to explode, and some tall gangly fuck dressed up a little more than the workers and not wearing an ugly apron was very clearly berating said manager.

Well. That’s pleasant. Sans looked through the aisles and tried to look more curious than attempting to be inconspicuous. Being a comic meant being an _actor_ \-- so had a lot of other things. Overall, he wasn’t sure which was better, this or Grillby’s. At least Burgerpants and friends admitted they were serfs. He didn’t find himself terribly impressed with what the store carried. It looked to be a competitor to the larger chain store on the other side of town, carrying things at marginally lower prices, in significantly lower quantities for the most part. The tools section was quite impressive, though, and that’s where he found the warehouse full of clothes.

... Why was the warehouse practically on the opposite side of the store from that area...

A froggit poked his head out for a moment. “Ribbit (Can I help you?)”

“hey. do you carry updog?”

“Ribbit (Are you the one who made her almost throw her phone?!)”

“i’d love to say i did. i gotta stop using that joke, it’s stale.” Just need to keep a straight face for a little longer.

“Ribbit (Probably for the best.)” The froggit shrugged.

Now, the question was, how far to push it? Sans wanted a fuller picture of ____’s mental state, but pushing retail workers was both unkind and would get him talked about. Unremarkable was good. Unremarkable meant less stress on everyone.

Unremarkable also meant picking up the pace on the conversation. “anyway, it’s clear i’m sorta bombing here so i’m just gonna. go. elsewhere. maybe actually write some new material. that’d be novel.”

... Well, it wasn’t like he didn’t remember the way to ____’s apartment. It was a nice slow walk outside with his grin in place before he could call Frisk.

“hey kiddo, got a once in a lifetime question for ya.”

“Dad?”

“when’s the last time you SAVEd?”

“Uh--”

“... can you SAVE right now?”

“Dad, what’s _wrong_.”

“nothin’s wrong kiddo. just gonna do something stupid.”

“I... if you say so. Gimme a minute... Okay. SAVEd.”

“okay. gonna call you back not too long from now. when i do, i want you to reload back to now. okay? password’s potatoes au gratin.”

“Really Dad?!”

“talk to ya soon kiddo,” he hung up and went to find a nice spot for a shortcut. ____’s place was, to put it mildly, a fucking mess. It was clear she didn’t usually make her bed, the living room had what looked like a mess that could have been cleaned within twenty minutes and the kitchen... Well, the kitchen made him clutch his chest. The second bedroom was pristine, though, as in order as it could be with no one else living in there.

His theory was looking more and more correct. He sighed and rubbed his face against the arm of his coat. “fuck’re you thinking, trying to do this alone?” Okay. Time to reset this whole mess. Out came the phone again, another call placed to Frisk. “hey, kiddo.”

“Hey dad.”

“alright. when i ask how it was, it was bad and i’m right.”

“Okay, potatoes au gratin and you were right, it’s bad. Got it.”

 

* * *

“hey kiddo, got a once in a lifetime question for ya.”

“Potatoes au gratin.”

“oh my fucking god.”

“By the way, you were right and it’s bad.”

“shit.”

“Mom’s gonna kick your butt again.”

“yep. worth it. talk to you later, kiddo, i gotta talk to the boss.”

“See ya later dad...”

The shortcut to the palace was always harder to find, since he had to keep reminding himself it was the one aboveground, but once there, it was easy enough to stroll right into Asgore’s office and wait for the King to notice him. Nearly two minutes later, the monster king finally looked up and screamed, knocking his chair back in surprise.

“S-sans! Don’t _do_ that!”

“evenin’ boss.”

Asgore righted his chair with a sigh. “It’s always a pleasure to see you, Sans. How can I help you?”

“so hey, that friend of yours, ____. there’s problems.”

“Problems?” Asgore looked alarmed.

“take it from a guy who just sorta gave up and lazed out for a decade or three, there’s problems,” Sans took a seat across from Asgore, putting his feet up on the desk.

Asgore poked one of them gently, slowly knocking it off the desk. “Go on...?”

“so the place she works at is a complete dump. well, it was always a complete dump, as far as i can tell. it’s more of a dump now. think grillby’s with a heaping topping of whipped denial and butt sauce. in a barn. pretty clear that whatever it was before all they’re interested in now is squeezing the serfs’ balls so hard they’re about to fall off. and uh. yeah, i got a password. it’s bad.”

Asgore’s eyes narrowed, one hand cupping his chin as he thought. “I see. I think I’m going to have to look into that... it was bad enough from what she said but...” The boss monster chewed at his thumb claw.

“depends where you wanna go from here, king fluffybuns.” Sans shrugged.

Asgore rubbed his face. “... Thank you, Sans.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And a _huge_ thank you to Fabricati for the help with Sans. How do I Sans.
> 
> "Just. Yeah, he can be the clean, fun, pun dad  
> "His actual stand up routine is **filthy**."


	12. Job Offer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My homestuck is showing. I promise there is a "real" chapter under all the texting.

Surprisingly enough, you managed to get a full nights’ sleep before work the next day. You weren’t quite sure how that happened, but you sent a quick thanks to whoever might have been listening for it. As usual, you spent the first hour or so working busily until things slowed into their normal, steady rhythm. Ozmos, your Froggit coworker, was busy at the other end of the warehouse, and your boss was in and out of both parts. You were just grateful for the mostly quiet day.

\---Message: Bro---  
You: hey i'm at work you around?

As usual, it took him a good two hours to get back to you, right after your boss had gone to lunch. Between clamping anti-theft tags onto pants and clipping said pants into hangers, you were able to have a bit of conversation.

\---New Message!---  
Bro: Yee, what up  
You: date yesterday went well, he's taking me to mettatons on tues  
Bro: Oh hell yes. Congrats!  
You: <_> thanks. how the hell did this happen it's been less than a week  
Bro: The odds are in your favour? idk but lbr is it a bad thing  
You: you did not just  
Bro: I did just  
Bro: :P  
You: you're a butt  
Bro: -fart noise-  
You: *louder fart noise*  
Bro: JFC we are the pinnacle of maturity that's us  
You: damn right

Around then, Ozmos returned to your end of the warehouse, which meant the two of you were able to work on some of the bigger housewares displays. Why the hell did you need two friggin’ pallets of knock-off crock pots and toasters, anyways? The floor was already full to bursting with the stupid things! It took a good half hour just to unpack them and load them onto several flat carts. A quick game of find-the-lady - in this case, a quarter - resulted in Ozmos heading out to the floor to try and find a place to shove them.

\---Message: Bro---  
You: tmi: holy shit his voice.  
Bro: Do not make me imagine WHY that is tmi  
Bro: Like I can think of why but  
You: let's put it like this he tried to dom me with his voice and i had to pull the pitcher trick to turn the tables  
Bro: ... My eyebrows just went up because holy fucking shit  
You: YEP  
Bro: I might not be able to keep a straight face around him knowing that. Provided we ever meet of course  
You: oh you will be. he's gonna try and accelerate your paperwork.  
Bro: ... uhwhut  
You: :D  
Bro: WHAT DID YOU DO  
You: Well I had talked about you at dinner and he asked about you so I told him a bit about you and he asked me to leave your details with him so he could look up said paperwork.  
Bro: I AM SQUEAKING AND MOM IS IN THE ROOM  
Bro: GDI  
You: :D just tell her I'm flirting with you it'll make her shut up  
Bro: You know I just did and you were right jfc  
You: toldja so

Yet another pallet of knock-off crock pots later, and you were finally able to take your lunch. That meant delicious, delicious soup... and more harassing of your brother.

\---Message: Bro---  
You: so yeah  
You: what the hell I've been adopted by my neighbors' extended family  
Bro: that you have and it seems to be kicking your life in the ass in the best way possible  
You: oh god I don't even wanna think about that  
You: I'm a fucking warehouse wage slave  
Bro: That may be true but do you think they're gonna be okay with knowing that?  
You: ffffffuck okay panic time is now time thanks  
Bro: D8 I SOWWIE  
You: D: what if they aren't shit  
Bro: THEN IT WILL BE A GOOD THING  
You: HOW IS THAT A GOOD THING WHAT IF THEY DECIDE I'M NOT REALLY WORTH THEIR TIME  
Bro: THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT AT ALL  
You: ????????  
Bro: MONSTERS ARE MADE OF COMPASSION AND HOPE THEY WILL NOT LET YOU SUFFER AT A SHITTY JOB OK? OK  
You: but  
Bro: No buts  
You: ffff  
Bro: Enjoy being loved on by skeletons and goat people dangit  
You: that's what she said  
Bro: XD GFDI I WALKED RIGHT INTO THAT ONE  
You: YES YOU DID  
Bro: MARCHED RIGHT IN WITH MY FLAK JACKET OPEN  
You: AND YOUR PANTS AROUND YOUR ANKLES  
Bro: I knew I forgot my belt this morning  
You: hehehe  
Bro: -hugs- From what I've heard? Yeah don't blame you. Still hope you find something better.  
You: *hugs* yeah but with the way everything is I can't really find anything that's willing to pay me more and give me the same number of hours  
Bro: Tru. :/ Thanks capitalism  
You: uuuuuugh  
Bro: by which I mean go fuck yourself capitalism  
You: with a broken rake  
You: sideways  
Bro: and no lube or condoms  
You: no no, molten glass lube  
Bro: yup, get it nice and welded in there  
You: yup, so every time you move it hurts worse  
Bro: spend several days in hospital and get a cake that says 'sorry you got a broken rake jammed up your ass'  
You: not that you can eat the cake  
Bro: nope  
You: ... bleh  
Bro: Bleh? What is bleh  
You: :C my brain is not playing fair is bleh  
Bro: Stop that brain  
You: brain: no fuk u  
Bro: Brain you need to play fair or imma make you play fair  
You: brain: wot u gon do m8  
Bro: i'm gonna tell my sis she is awesome and can only go up from here, especially because monsters are just too fucking nice to let someone they care about suffer and it's not like the resources aren't there on their part  
You: you know that miku infinite birds gif? yeah that's what my brain is doing at you  
Bro: It's tru tho  
You: has that EVER shut my brain down  
Bro: I'm trying dangit because your brain is wrong  
Bro: Yer gonna be fine  
You: I hope so  
Bro: I KNOW so. -hugs-  
You: thx bro *hugs*  
Bro: Anytime and you know it :D  
You: c: yup

Eventually, you made it through the day. The drive home was blessedly quiet, but when you got home... Undyne was waiting for you, even going so far as to open your door for you. She was grinning fit to crack her face, which left you mildly suspicious.

“Heeeeey, ____! C’mon over, we’re feeding you.”

“Oh god, you didn’t cook, did you?” You remembered _that_ disaster well enough.

“Noooo? And even if I did, isn’t your number one rule ‘never turn down free food’?”

“I cannot believe Alphys told you that. No, that’s rule number three.”

“Pffft. Right. Okay, anyways, it’s fuckin’ takeout. You in or not?”

“I cannot resist the Shyren call of free takeout.”

Undyne slung an arm over your shoulders. “That’s what I thought. Dare I ask what rules one and two actually are?”

You held up one finger. “Me first, even if it hurts. I can’t help anybody if I don’t take care of myself or if I’m out of spoons.”

“Spoons?”

“Useful concept, ask Alphys to look up spoon theory sometime. Basically means that if I cannot people, I cannot fuckin’ people.”

“Ooooh, okay, gotcha. So kinda how you’ve got that ‘if I have to worry about _one more thing_ I’m gonna maim someone’ look?”

“You mean your default expression?” You smirked slightly.

“YEAH!” A light kick slammed the door open. Alphys shrieked, nearly dropping tv tray piled high with fries and chicken strips. “... BAAAABE, C’MON, YOU KNEW I WAS BRINGIN’ ____.”

“Right, right. Come on, I think we were on episode... 17 of Revolutionary Girl Utena?” Alphys mumbled, settling the tray down in front of the couch and hurrying to grab another, piled even higher with fries and burgers.

You nodded. “Sounds about right.”

Undyne steered you to the couch. “An’ what’s rule two?”

You blinked, dragging your brain back on track. “Ah, don’t drink if you feel down. My family’s brain chemistry means we get addicted to shit easy and that’s just generally an awful fuckin’ association to make. Drinking doesn’t help.” You wiggled out of Undyne’s grip. “Hey, Alphys, you guys still got that bottle’a ranch?”

“Yes!”

“I’ll get it.”

“ _Thank you_.” Alphys snuggled down onto the couch, holding the tray in place as Undyne got into a comfortable position across her lap.

You returned with your bottle of delicious white sauce and parked your butt on Undyne’s feet, laughing as she ineffectively kicked you off. Eventually you shifted your weight enough she could put her feet in your lap, and everyone settled down to watch anime and eat dinner. Eventually, though, you finished, and the episode wound down.

“So, ____. You hate your job, right?” Undyne asked, tone a little gentler than usual.

“I wouldn’t say I _hate_ it, but if someone offered me a better job I’d take it in a heartbeat.”

“What’s a better job?”

“Shit man... decent benefits, more than I’m making now...” You rubbed your face, sitting forward with a groan.

“You don’t mind the long hours?”

“Not particularly,” you shrugged. “I mean... it’s better than doing nothing in particular all day.”

“Well then!” She sat up, just to slap you across the back hard enough to knock the breath from your lungs, “WELCOME TO THE ROYAL GUARD.”


	13. Grillby's and Chill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Or: The chapter that killed the author.

Undyne turned out to be even more of a little shit than Frisk. She had told you to head on into work like normal, and had even gone so far as to drop you off - you made a mental note to only accept rides from Undyne in the direst of circumstances, in the future - and had told you someone would pick you up when you went on lunch. You gathered she was going to shove her head-hunting in their face.

You really should have expected her to prank _you_ too. Asgore was waiting for you by the service desk. Before you could say a word, he tilted his head almost absentmindedly to the left, and you took the cue to stand there. You supposed you should be glad the contents of your locker fit in one bag.

“I’d like to speak with the store manager, miss,” he rumbled gently to one of the girls at the desk - you didn’t recognize them, which was never a good sign.

Rather predictably, it took your store manager a good ten minutes to mosey his way on up, which gave you time to compose yourself into a bored expression rather than wriggling with anticipation. “Can I help you, sir?”

Asgore stared down at the man, an unamused expression on his face. “____ will not be returning to your... store. She’s been recruited as a royal guard. Should you have an issue with this, please direct your complaints to Undyne. ____, we’re leaving.”

You somehow managed to keep your face neutral until you both left the building, at which point your cackling came out squeaky. You were too amused to even mind. Asgore shook his head tolerantly.

“I take it you feel better.”

“A bit, yeah.”

He nodded, leading the way to a rather unobtrusive minivan. At first glance, it looked to be a plain white, but as he opened the door for you, you realized it had a faint pink pearlescence. You climbed in - you had to actually climb, dammit - and settled in, waiting for him to come around to the other side. It would have been funny watching him cram himself into the pink minivan if there wasn’t some kind of... expansion spell on it? Whatever the case, both you and Asgore fit in your seats comfortably.

“... Pink’s your favorite color, huh?” You grinned, rearranging the hood of your old ratty pullover.

“However did you guess?”

“Oh, just a hunch. Though the pink steering wheel grip was a hint.”

“Would you be alarmed if I guessed your favorite color was green?” He glanced over, checking to make sure you were safely buckled in. You resisted the urge to squirm under his scrutiny.

“That’s like guessing the sun’s gonna rise in the east,” you shrugged. “It’s not like I’ve worn green every time you’ve seen me or anything.”

He chuckled, pulling on a pair of white leather driving gloves. You tried not to stare - you’d never seen anyone actually wear those, before. “Excluding today.”

“...” You grinned, pulling your hoodie over your nose. “I’m wearing green. You just can’t see it.”

“Your shirt?”

“Nope. Where we goin’?”

He gave you an indulgent look. “Do I want to know what’s green? We are going to Grillby’s and getting you properly fed. An all-soup diet can’t be filling you up enough to last the entire day.”

“I thought we were saving that discussion for a later date,” you tried not to giggle. “And you’d be surprised...” Asgore snorted loudly before his look turned unamused. Smiling, you held your hands up in surrender. “Okay, okay, you can feed me.”

“That’s what I thought.”

You sighed and smiled, shaking your head a little. He chuckled back, patting your arm lightly. The rest of the ride was mostly silent, as you slowly relaxed. You were just glad Asgore hadn’t commented on your work clothes - a ratty hoodie, stained pants, and clunky work boots hardly looked like your off-work style, after all.

Grillby’s was located in what had been a speakeasy on one of the main streets back in the twenties, a run-down greasy spoon in the fifties, and then closed down for close to twenty years before the monsters had returned. Grillby had restored it, bringing out the former glory of the old place and turning it into a dive that, if not the most popular in town, certainly had good business at any hour it was open. The noise gave the two of you some privacy, and after the waiter took your orders, Asgore’s warm gaze grew rather... determined.

“____,” His voice was surprisingly soft. “I... Hm. Sans was worried about you, after that dinner. He’s struggled with depression for several years, and the way you were speaking was familiar to him.”

You raised your eyebrows. “Did he go snooping?”

“I wouldn’t be surprised, but I doubt he learned anything he couldn’t’ve by just asking Alphys.”

You bit back a groan. Alphys knew more than enough about you on that front. “Ah--”

“... One of the benefits of joining the royal guard is complete health support. I would like for you to seek help,” Asgore’s hands took both of yours with all the delicateness of picking up a paper flower. “I, more than most, understand how debilitating mental illness is. I’m not giving you an ultimatum, I’m just... concerned for you.”

You sagged a little in relief. You had almost expected him to not want anything to do with you... but that wasn’t the kind of person he was, was it? “Th-thank you, Asgore. I fully intend to.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am _so, so sorry_ about how long this update took. I'm going to try and get a chapter done tomorrow and wednesday both, but I will be sincerely surprised if you guys see hide or hair of me between 11/26 and 12/1; the joys of working retail during black friday mean I probably won't have any spoons left for writing this until it's over.
> 
> Love and kisses to all of you, as well as stompy dancing because this mofo broke 5k hits. You're all awesome and I love you.


	14. Lace and Things

After Grillby’s, you had halfway expected to go to the palace so Asgore could get some work done. Asgore had simply grinned at your curious expression when you realized you weren’t anywhere near it.

“Alright, where are we going?” You finally bit the bullet and asked.

“To Toriel’s,” He smirked.

“Why are we going to Toriel’s?” You sighed.

“Because you need a uniform.”

“And Toriel has the uniforms?”

“Sort of. She makes them.”

“... T-toriel--”

“Oh yes.”

When you arrived, Asgore set himself up in the living room with a laptop, abandoning you to Toriel’s tender care. And to being herded into a dazzlingly bright sunroom and told to strip to your undergarments. You were in the middle of folding your clothes on a chair when Toriel tsked loudly at you.

“And what, precisely, is _that_?” It took you a moment to realize she was looking at your bra. Emerald green mesh with soft gold embroidery looked quite pretty and fit... acceptably well, but it didn’t quite tack.

“A bra?”

“And why doesn’t it fit?”

“Because nobody manufactures bras for smaller rib cages and ridiculous honkers, not to mention how close set they are?”

Toriel rubbed her face with an annoyed sigh. “Do the wires fit properly?”

“Yeah...?”

“Take it off. I’ll fix this.”

You managed not to squeak in shock, but did as you were told, pulling your shirt back on in the meantime. Toriel gathered green satin and gold thread, taking the bra to her sewing table. Twenty minutes later, she tossed something you barely recognized as your boulder holster at you. She had modified the shape slightly, slimming the gore down and adding extra fabric along the gore side of the cups. You cautiously put it on, scooping and swooping, adjusting the straps, and bending forward to make sure you’d gotten everything. Toriel squinted at it before nodding.

“Much better.”

“Yeah, thank you,” you lifted your arms and bounced vigorously in place, grinning when you didn’t need to adjust again after.

“Now, come here...” Toriel lifted you onto a side table that put you at a height where she could easily measure you. It was close enough to a wall that you could put a hand against it, leaving you feeling marginally more secure than otherwise. Out came the measuring tape, measuring more things than you would ever have thought to check. Toriel took thorough notes in some sort of shorthand you couldn’t decipher for the life of you.

Then the camera came out.

“Woah, woah, wait a minute--” You hadn’t blushed _this_ hard since the dinner! It felt like that had been much longer than a few days ago...

“What?” Toriel blinked. “Oh! Dear me, ____, this is just for reference, to be sure I have your proportions down.”

You squinted at her. “Everything shows through this bra.”

“... Wasn’t that the entire point of making it out of mesh?”

“ _Toriel!_ ”

“HUMAN ____, DO YOU REQUIRE ASSISTANCE?” Why in the world was Papyrus _here_ , a tiny part of your brain wondered.

“DON’T COME IN HERE,” your body, and the rest of your brain, screeched.  
“... So, no camera then?” Toriel raised an eyebrow at you.

* * *

It was twenty or so minutes later that you were allowed to put your shirt back on, so that Toriel could check swatches fabric against your skin.

“Isn't this supposed to be a uniform?” You frowned a little.

“Oh, to start with, yes, but even for that, the dye and fabric should flatter your complexion dear. Especially you! As Asgore's guard, you'll be making public appearances with him, it wouldn't do to use a fabric that doesn't suit you. Though you're a lucky one... You don't have many colors I'd discourage you from wearing...” Toriel held a swatch of matte black fabric with pale lavender pinstripes up to you and nodded to herself, settling that away.

You raised an eyebrow. “... to start with?”

She smirked slightly and ruffled your hair. “Yes, to start with. Again, public appearances. With Asgore.”

You squinted up at her. She smiled happily. “... Toriel, what are you planning?”

“I know what Asgore's planning to wear for your date. I have an idea of an outfit that would be lovely and complimentary for you.”

It had been a long time since someone wanted to give you a gift of clothes. Long enough you couldn't help wondering what _else_ Toriel was planning to do to you... but at the same time, you couldn't deny the idea of being a showstopper _with_ Asgore, rather than contrasting him, appealed to you. “... Alright, sure.”

“And in general... ____, I know that humans tend to rely on mass production, but it's rather counter to the preferences of most monsters. It's uncomfortable to see you in plain clothing that doesn't entirely fit right,” she noticed your frown, “Not because of social status indicators, dear, but because well... being trapped underground for centuries left us with a very long time to perfect artisanship. Knowing I could make something better for you than what you could buy irks me. Asgore's afraid to say something, thinking you'll think him controlling, but I think you're intelligent enough to see signs of affection for what they are.”

“... It's a little uncomfortable for me to be showered with gifts without repaying the favor somehow.”

Toriel stroked her chin, considering that. “I suppose that's fair. I don't know what skills you have to trade, though. Alphys speaks highly of your education and creativity, though.”

You blushed a little. “Ah, I draw a lot. Do a lot of crafts as hobbies, too. Knit, bit of sewing. Gardening obviously.”

“... Can you knit lace?”

“If I have a pattern and the right kind of yarn and needles?”

“Knit me lace and we'll call it even. I like putting lace details on things and it gets expensive, not to mention it's difficult to find what I want sometimes.”

“... I can do that,” you smiled, “though you know knitted lace can only be so fancy, right?”

“Oh, of course. That's part of the fun.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have had the next chapter sitting in my drafts since last Tuesday. This monstrosity that needed to come before it just took forever to write. For those who aren't familiar with bra terminology, the gore is the center part that sits against the chest between the breasts. When it fits properly, laying flat against the sternum, it tacks. If your gore does not tack, your bra does not fit. The only exception is if you have a concave chest. 
> 
> Excerpts from the chat, edition the sans:
> 
> GDI RYU I AM ATTEMPTING TO WRITE  
> THIS CHAPTER IS HELLA LATE  
> DON'T THROW THE BAD TIME SIMULATOR AT ME  
>  _I'M ALREADY HAVING A BAD TIME_
> 
> Also, if you like Exalted or Homestuck, you should go check out Ryumaru's fic, Glorious Echeladder Ascension Technique. ;D I help beta read it.


	15. Paperwork and Similar Things

\---Message: Bro---  
You: Hey bro, lemme know when you can skype privately.  
Bro: Gimme a sec and I'll be good to go, what's up?  
You: ... Paperwork 8'D  
Bro: ... Wait THAT paperwork?  
You: Yup. Asgore managed to find it and has a few questions. So, skype!  
Bro: ohjfcwhatumokjuuuuustasecond-  
You: hehehe  
Bro: WHAT DID YOU GET ME INTO  
You: Asgore says hi and he's looking forward to meeting you :D  
Bro: GDI SIS also hi sis' new bf- I mean Asgore sir  
You: He says 'sis' new bf' is fine by him.  
Bro: Okthen x.x  
You: Seriously chill. He is wearing a pink sweater that says 'Mr. Dad Guy,' he ain't gonna bite.

Asgore added 'hard' in your ear, running a finger down your spine.

Bro: Ok I'm ready I have no chill but I'm ready

You initiated the call, making sure not to hit the video chat. You were somewhat awkwardly seated in Asgore's lap at his desk, but it was working well enough... He was still snickering in your ear at least.

"Hiiii~!"

"Howdy!" Asgore added.

... The response from the other side was a SQUEAK. Then, "Hiyas!"

"Alright. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but let's get the worst part out of the way first, shall we?" Asgore's tone was gentle. "Your sister says your current identification paperwork doesn't match your proper gender or name. Normally we would use your immigration paperwork to create your identification paperwork, but there is a separate form available for cases like yours. I don't believe it was available online at the time you filed, so let's fill that out now."

"... Right. Yeah, let's... let's do that." There was the sound of a drink being sipped.

You covered your mouth to keep from snickering softly. Asgore raised an eyebrow at you and clicked over to the correct form. You had to scoot over a bit so both of his arms could reach around you, but the position was so precarious you just elbowed his arms and took over typing.

"Are you sticking with ****, bro?" You knew he had been considering a couple of names.

Your brother paused. "I think I might, yeah... it's the only thing that still sounds right. Nothing else really fit."

"That's more or less what I thought," You nodded. "And you sticking with Bruce or you gonna steal my last name?"

"... Bruce?" Asgore rumbled softly, but you were sure the mic picked it up anyways.

"... Mmph. That's a tougher one. But... I'm gonna stick with Bruce, just for the history behind it." He seemed to pretend not to hear the query from Asgore about his last name.

"The history behind it?" Asgore asked, louder this time. You paused in typing, waiting to see how they handled this.

"... Meeethinks we can cover that later. It's human history nonsense."

Asgore chuckled, stomach bouncing against your back. "Alright, alright."

"Yyyyep. Alright... what was your actual birthday again? I love your loser face but you know how my memory is."

“Yer fiiiiine, I've mentioned it all of once. Um, first of December, 1993."

"Thaaaank you..." The rest of the form you were able to do mostly yourself since you did know that. "Alright, want me down as your verification contact again?"

"Y-yes, please. I have Doc R as a backup because he knows I've been trying to move, of course, but--" ****’s voice shook a bit from nerves.

"But it's still better because I can text your ass faster than he can get a safe call in." You nodded.

"One last question," Asgore butted in, "And this will sound a little strange, but what's your favorite color?"

"... I have a feeling that's not part of the paperwork, but it's purple,” Your brother sounded a bit puzzled.

"You're right, it's not. Your favorite color tends to correspond to your soul color. It says quite a bit more about you than you might expect," Asgore explained.

"... Ah. That'sawkward," your brother muttered.

"How so?" Asgore patted your side lightly.

"Iiii... might have just coloured my hair purple. So my inside matches my outside. That's what's awkward."

That set Asgore off again. You couldn't help giggling along.

"To be fair, he claims I have yet to not wear green around him," You snickered.

"Sis when are you NOT wearing green. Let's be honest here."

You had to think about it. "... Laundry day?"

"Laundry day. That is it. And we both know it,” you knew he was nodding from the tone of voice.

"Shut up ya wanker."

"You have no room to talk from the sounds of it," Asgore added.

"That is very true, but I'm gonna make room if I have to, dangit," He giggled.

"Pffft," You shook your head. "Alright, there are a few other cleanup questions just to dot the I's and cross the T's..." Thankfully, those took less than five minutes.

"Can I get that history lesson now?" Asgore asked in the most pitiful tone he could manage.

"Yyyyes. Yes you may. The Bruces were the first family to take the throne in Scotland in the late 1300s and early 1400s. The family stepped down after it turned out that first King's daughter was... infertile, but Scotland has been its own place ever since."

"... I thought your voice sounded familiar!" Asgore sounded delighted. You were suddenly reminded that boss monsters were more or less immortal unless they had kids.

"... Wait you knew- ahhhh shit. Right. Right, Boss monsters are ageless until they have kids, duh ****."

Asgore snickered. "Quite so, young man. I can already tell you're going to be a delight to be around."

... Given what you just had to go through not two hours ago, you decided to be a little mean. "Oh, by the way? Send me your suit measurements."

Asgore blinked at you, then had to cover his mouth to try to stop the bleats of laughter escaping him.

"... I can still hear that, you know. Goofs." But he did provide the measurements.

"Oh, he's laughing because I'm tossing you under a bus. I'm telling Toriel you need new clothes."

"SIS--" At that point you lost your shit laughing too. Everyone did. Baby bro even felt brave enough to swear when he could speak again. "Fuckin' dammit. I should've known."

"Hell yeah you should have. But you fell riiiiight into my trap~"

"I thought I was the Slytherin, dammit, that is NOT fair," You could just HEAR the comical pout.

"... Dude I have never not been Slytherin. You knew that coming into this, c'mon man."

"Slytherin?" Asgore asked quietly.

"... I am bringing my copies of the Harry Potter series dammit because this is crucial knowledge," your baby brother grumbled.

"Yes, good plan," You nodded.

"... This is going to be the anime club all over again, isn't it?" Asgore sighed.

"... Probably, except with metal instead of j-pop."

"... Sign me the fuck up."

"Good sir," Baby bro sounded mock-offended at that.

"Your sister's the only one calling me 'sir' around here," Asgore responded in the same tone.

"Ex _cuse_ me?" You added, just as mock-offended.

Your brother snorted. "WELL THEN YOU TWO."

Asgore tried valiantly to keep a straight face. It lasted all of the two seconds it took for you to cross your eyes and touch the tip of your nose with your tongue.

"Hey, whatever floats your boat, kids. Just don't ask me to participate, m'kay? M'kay."

"Yeah, no, ew," You nodded, "not in this life and probably not in the next."

Asgore raised an eyebrow.

"Him in specific."

"Thank you. That is good to know," How long could **** keep up the deadpan? You had never tried to see, so it wasn't that big a concern for you.

Asgore chuckled. "Alright. ****, were there any questions you had for me?"

"Just one. You DO know how I'll react if sis ends up heartbroken, right?" He wasn't joking around.

"... I'd likely be fertilizing the gardens for a few generations, yes," Asgore nodded.

"Ok good, we're on the same page about that. Just had to check!"

You rolled your eyes and groaned. "Men."

"Yes, dear." Asgore leaned down to kiss your cheek. You weren't entirely sure how hard you could blush, but you had a feeling you were pretty close to the limit.

"That being said, however... I do look forward to meeting everyone in person. It's, ah, it's gonna be one hell of a change from where I am now."

"Yeah, the kind of change where I feed him and put him to bed and threaten to dust anyone who disturbs his rest for the next twenty four hours or so," You gave Asgore a _look_ that indicated he was also on the ‘to be dusted’ list.

Your brother groaned loudly. "Sisters."

"Yes, brother dearest~" You purred back.

"Nyeh."

Asgore snorted so loudly you nearly fell out of his lap.

"Gyeh!" You pushed lightly at his arm.

**** nearly spat his drink out. "I heeeeard thaaaat."

Asgore raised an eyebrow at you with a slightly evil smirk. You grinned back. The kiss the pair of you shared was rather on the noisy side.

"OhwhoopsiesIgottausethebathroomgivemejustamoment--" Nope. He was outie. "Youtwoenjoymackingoneachother."

"Byeeee~!" You both snickered in response, and you closed the call down. Asgore wrapped his arms around you, nuzzling your cheek softly.

“Mmn?” You turned your head towards him, returning the nuzzle curiously. Feeling him smile made you squirm a little, but the soft kisses he started to lay along your jaw had you trying to turn towards him. He chuckled, a rumble you felt vibrate through his chest, and shifted a little, lifting you up to straddle his lap. You squeaked a little, then rested your arms on his shoulders, slipping your fingers through his hair.

“... Hi,” Asgore smiled, hands petting down your back slowly, stopping just before they fully cupped your ass with each stroke. You felt your eyes trying to slide shut and wriggled a little to get into a position you felt more secure in. That pressed you right up against his warm, soft stomach and something warm and... not nearly as soft.

“Well hello to you too,” your smile widened to a grin and you squirmed a little more for good measure. Asgore's eyes slid shut, a low sound parting his lips. “... May I?” You breathed against his mouth. Asgore tilted his head just forward enough to brush his lips against yours.

Kissing someone with a snout was... very different. Realizing just how large his mouth really was made you shiver pleasantly and lift one hand to trace a corner of his mouth. That drew another rumbly noise from Asgore, which made you exhale sharply. His hands tightened on you, pressing you deeper into the flab around his middle, hard enough you could feel the muscle beneath, and ground his hips against yours. Your tongue darted out, tracing over the part of his lips you could easily reach, your other hand fisting in his hair, holding his head still so he couldn't tilt it back. He growled, tongue slipping past yours and filling your mouth more than a human's could. It tingled, as though he had eaten something slightly spicy a few moments ago, but he tasted... sweet. The sensation made you groan, tongue sliding against his eagerly.

One of Asgore's hands dropped to your ass, squeezing it and rubbing you against him. You growled right back, surprising yourself, and slid the hand that had been tracing his mouth down, running your palm over his chest until you felt a sharp gasp and something harden against it. You smirked, cupping the pec gently and rubbing your thumb across his nipple. He whimpered, a sound you felt like you were swallowing, and stood up, settling you on the desk. Your legs couldn't quite make it all the way around his hips, but you pressed your feet carefully against his tail, shuddering as he leaned against you, pressing his crotch hard against yours and dragging his mouth from yours with a breathless gasp.

You both panted for a moment, your forehead pressed against his cheek, his lips pressed against your shoulder softly.

“... we're moving a little fast.” He finally spoke, hands trailing across your back again.

“... Just a little,” You nodded, leaning up to kiss him again, not quite chaste, but not as intensely as before, either.

“Why don't we both take showers. I'll, I'll, ah, let Undyne know you're all hers until Tuesday?”

“Sounds like, a, uh... a plan, yeah,” You nodded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SOOOOO, how badly do you want to murder me now? ;D
> 
> And for a bit of audience participation: I know what these two are wearing for their date, but what do you guys think they'll be wearing? And one more thing...
> 
> A happy birthday to the real-life inspiration for li'l bro!


	16. A Full Night's Sleep

9 AM, on the dot, your alarm began to tinkle at you quietly, and your neighbor banged on the wall separating your bedrooms.

“____, YOU BETTER BE UP AND READY TO GO IN HALF AN HOUR!”

You groaned blearily, staring at your phone, sleepily amazed Undyne had let you get a full night’s sleep. “Yes’m,” you muttered, walking over to kick the wall hard enough she’d take it as a response, then flopped back across the bed to take a few minutes to wake all the way up and check your fanfics. One that tended to have short updates had updated, so you went to get your coffee started and read that while it brewed.

\---Message: Undyne---  
You: Stupid question, what should I wear?  
Undyne: Good question actually  
Undyne: Wear something you don’t mind getting destroyed  
Undyne: I got plans for you today ;D  
You: Don’t you have a GIRLFRIEND?!!  
Undyne: Not that kind of plan!!!  
Undyne: Fuck’s sake woman. Wear something you won’t be heartbroken if it catches on fire.  
You: UNDYNE!!!!!!!!

You could hear her laughing from next door.

\---New Message!---  
Alphys: She’s taking you to her smithy.

You stared at your phone for a moment and groaned, head hitting the counter. You were not awake enough for this, but you knew you weren’t getting out of this. You were sure that once you were more _awake_ , you wouldn’t want to either, so you poured yourself a large mug of coffee and went to dig out some of your lazy day clothes out. Eventually, you made it out the door.

Undyne’s fist nearly hit your face instead of the door. “... Oh, you’re up.”

You gently pushed her hand aside. “Hi.”

She laughed, grabbing you by the collar of your shirt and hauling you outside. “Right, so! First stop is Toriel’s--”

You elbowed her in the side. “I’m driving, fishsticks.”

You didn’t even have time to regret the words coming out of your mouth before your head was tucked securely in Undyne’s arm and her fist was grinding your freshly-brushed hair mercilessly. “FISHSTICKS? I’LL SHOW YOU FISHSTICKS--”

“Nooooo!” You flailed ineffectually, finally managing to tickle along her ribs enough that the both of you were cackling more than harassing each other.

Undyne kept her arm around you, though, as she steered you. “Yeah, if you wanna drive that’s fine. You seemed pretty freaked out after yesterday.”

“That’s because you drive worse than my high school bestie,” After a moment you put an arm around her waist. That got your shoulder slapped approvingly. You winced.

“Gee, thanks.”

“Gosh, you’re welcome!”

* * *

The two of you arrived safe and sound at Toriel’s house, only to realize that Toriel was at the elementary school, still teaching.

Right on cue, Sans opened the door. “oh hey. it’s you two. ____. captain.”

“SANS! SLACKIN’ OFF ALREADY, HUH?” Undyne grinned widely. You glanced between the two of them and lightly elbowed Undyne.

“We’re here to see if my uniform’s ready, apparently. And I think I got a _bone_ to pick with you, anyways,” you hadn’t forgotten that Sans was the one who brought up your mental health to the king.

“no better time for it, captain. a big, full day ahead.” He then considered your actual reason for being here. “hm. uniform. i tend not tibia party to that kind of information, but i could look it up.”

Undyne groaned and covered her face.

“I’d appreciate it,” you smiled, “mind if we come in? Wouldn’t want to waste away out here.”

“yeah that’s fine, it’s bone dry out there. besides, at-home hours.”

“ALL your hours are at home hours!” Undyne protested.

“aw come on that’s not fair. it’s only 17 of them.”

You snorted, heading in. “Uh huuuuh.” It was starting to make sense how Sans would have, well, known. That answered that question. “And I suppose the rest of them are--” ... You were in Toriel’s house. She would _know_ if you made a filthy joke. You weren’t sure how, but she would.

“what bro calls napping.”

“Napping. So that’s what they’re calling it nowadays,” You were going to regret that later, but you couldn’t resist, grinning brightly.

“yeah, he really needs to get that insomnia checked out before he goes out of his skull.” With that-- you were. Not entirely sure how Sans climbed those stairs as fast as he did, but he sure did do it. You understood before, vaguely, about monsters and cheating reality. _Seeing_ it was something else.

... You must have been staring for a moment, because Undyne shoved you hard between the shoulder blades. “Go pick his bones if that’s what you’re gonna do,” she grumbled. You clomped on up the stairs.

“oh. hey. so i guess you were serious about that,” Sans said, turning around from looking through the small, meticulous card catalogue that _had_ to be Toriel’s, mostly because it didn’t have ketchup or mustard all over it.

“... Yeah,” You nodded, leaning against the banister. “I am. I mean, I can see now how you’d’ve spotted it but...” You rubbed your face. This was going to be like pulling teeth from your own mouth unless you did it all at once. “... Thanks for saying something.”

Sans actually seemed to deflate for a moment, looking at the card he’d pulled. Yeah, that was your name all right. Finally, he said, “no problem, you know? looks like it’ll be another day. big order. and--”

“-- but if you’re gonna step up to help, I know jack all about the therapists in town,” you broke in before he could take off his slippers and chew on his foot.

“i might be cheery uncle sans to everyone but you really do not wanna be spilling your guts to me. for one thing i can’t hold ‘em.” He pulled up his shirt to demonstrate why.

You couldn't help it, snorting loudly into your hand. “Not what I was asking, but thanks for flashin’ your goods at me. I was asking if you could recommend anyone, or knew if anyone could. I’d rather not go to whoever’s helping Asgore just ‘cause that’d be... so many levels of awkward.”

“hm. yeah, i can see that,” you noticed the lights in his eye... sockets had gone out. “normally i wouldn’t send you to my own doc for pretty much the same reasons, but honestly with thousands of monsters come thousands of pretty bad coping mechanisms, so at some point there’s gonna be some overlap. if nothing else, they’ll get you somewhere.”

You closed your eyes, trying not to think too hard about what the change in... accent? You thought it was his accent, at least... and lack of eyelights could mean, and rubbed the bridge of your nose. Your voice came out softer than usual. “thanks, sans. if nothing else they’ll have a better idea of who to send me to.”

“... huh. not bad.” he paused for just long enough before adding, “‘course, you’ll probably never get as big a grin as me, but i just have a natural talent for it. i think we’ve jawed enough though. captain’s probably worried i’m about to judge you. come on, i know a shortcut.”

You squinted for a moment, wondering if you were about to find out about reality cheats, and took the hand he offered. He took a step, pulling you with him, and everything went dark. You weren’t sure what you were seeing, but you felt a heart beating in time with yours, and for a moment, you understood what was happening.

Undyne looked up from where she’d been stuffing her face from the cookie jar, and looked over the both of you, expression unreadable. “You gonna give my trainee her hand back anytime soon? Or do you have the other one up her ass?” Neither of you could quite reply. “... What? You look like you goosed each other!”

“can’t do that, my goose is already cooked.”

“What’s good for the goose is good for the gander?”

“i dunno, if i was gandering your goose i’m sure there would be two very upset bosses looking to burn some tires and light some pyres.”

“... You’re completely fune-real.”

Undyne tried to somehow split her one hairy eyeball between the both of you. You couldn’t help snickering, going to raise your hand to cover your mouth. You felt a little resistance and looked down, staring blankly at the bones still wrapped securely around your hand.

“...”

_oh, right, that’s still a thing, better fix it._ It felt oddly like the two of you stood in a room alone, Sans at your back and whispering just loud enough you'd hear. He let go of your hand. “hm. any flowers you like, champ?”

“Man, first you’re holding hands and now you’re asking her about flowers?” Undyne was near to crowing.

“well, i figure as long as toriel’s gonna kill me i might as well leave with a little class.”

You pressed a hand to your face now, shoulders shaking with repressed laughter. “Sorry to disappoint darlin’, but I don’t go for guys just ‘cause they make me laugh,” you lowered your hand to wink. “But assumin’ that was serious, I like lily-of-the-valley.”

“man, that _would_ be classy, just like in those cartoons.”

Undyne shook her head at the both of you. “Alright, lovebirds, you done yet?”

“Coo, coo.”

“if that’s all you needed me for, yeah, we’re done here. which would be great, ‘cause i love doing nothing.”

“Yeah, you’re done for now. Gonna need you later, though, when she’s really got the ropes.”

* * *

“So, what are we doing today?” You followed Undyne’s directions carefully.

“Today, and probably the next couple days, we’re gonna see what you’re capable of. I’ve got a pretty good idea from when we sparred, but... Need to know where to start you on armor training, how your endurance is...”

“Enough to go an hour versus you and Papyrus.”

“With both of us being careful not to hurt you or exhaust you. Honestly Pap’s gonna be doing a lot of that part of the assessing; he can even roughhouse with Sans safely.”

You turned your head to raise an eyebrow at her.

“Sans is... kinda delicate. There’s a reason I don’t push him too hard or roughhouse with him. One good hit would... Well.”

“... Don’t physically mess with Sans, got it.”

“See, this is why I trust you,” she howled, slapping your shoulder. “Your first thought is how to keep people from getting hurt!”

You blushed a bit and concentrated on the road as hard as you could.

“But there’s one other thing. It ain’t a _requirement_ , mind, but most of the guards get the Delta Rune tattooed somewhere when they join.” She lifted the hem of her shirt, showing you an almost glowing white rendition along her ribs.  
“Uh...”

“Not the human way with ink and needles,” she assured you, practically reading your mind. “With magic. Still hurts, but we’re talking maybe an hour of work without the healing up time.”

“... What level of pain are we talking about?” You glanced at her.

“... What’s the worst pain you’ve ever felt?”

“Broke an ankle back when I was a squirt.”

“Maaaaybe two thirds that bad?” She wiggled a hand.

“So, average cramps. I can do that.”

“ _AVERAGE?!_ ”

You were very glad you were the one driving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man, this chapter didn't want to be written. Bluh. Here it is. Next chapter should be a bit easier, and the one after that should have you shivering with anticipa--
> 
> \---A rogue CHAT EXCERPT appeared!---
> 
> So, on a scale of one to 'smashed the mercy button,' how much trouble is ____ in for nicknaming Undyne 'Fishsticks'?  
> 'told everyone where to meet at flowey's behest'  
> 'YOU'LL NEVER SPARE ME'  
> 'Suplexing ____, just because she can.'  
> 'Snow Wrestling... EXTREME PREJUDICE VERSION.'


	17. Standing Judgement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's just slap a big fat trigger warning for abuse on this, shall we? Also the use of deadnames for a trans person, and generally this may be a hard chapter to read.

\---Message: Bro---  
You: Pack your bags, crickey, we're moving out.  
You: Plane tickets should be in your inbox. You just gotta pack.  
Bro: ... Did you just make a Mulan reference to tell me shit finally went right for once  
You: Yes, yes I did.  
Bro: hooooooly fuck.  
You: :D they're for the first. You'll get here right about dinner time.  
Bro: I'm just sitting here trying not to start crying bc Mom is six feet away doing dishes but ohmygods. Ohhhhmygods  
You: You better find an excuse to get packing, you've only got like two days.  
Bro: Oh don't worry about that part. I got that covered. I can do it.  
You: Good c:  
You: But hell yeah. Everything went perfectly for once <333  
Bro: Noemojicouldcoverhowthisfeels  
You: Yeah. You're coming home. Finally.  
Bro: ... Help I just started laughing  
You: Me hitting on you again? Seems to work most of the time?  
Bro: I still have to ship my plushies  
Bro: How do you explain Pokedolls to the rest of the fam  
Bro: THIS IS WHERE MY MIND GOES  
You: xD Alphys will probably squee like a weenie  
You: Dunno about everyone else tho  
Bro: Well we'll find out  
You: Yup!  
Bro: Also THANK YOU  
You: <3333  
Bro: I will celebrate by hauling my ugly-ass pink suitcase and various duffle bags out of the basement  
You: youpoorthing  
You: you gonna tell them now?  
Bro: I need to get the emotionally-abusive part out of the way, yeah.  
You: you want me to call and be there that way? P sure Undyne will let me slack off for that  
Bro: Yes please  
You: can do. Can I say you know who is dead and they killed her?  
Bro: Absolutely. Smash the bridge and torch the remains  
You: :3 let me know if you'll need cab fare  
Bro: Tbh if it goes south I'm probably headed straight to the Alex to inform Evans. I'd go tell him either way but  
You: good idea  
Bro: Better safe than sorry.  
You: damn right  
Bro: ... yupI'mcryingnow  
You: D: hey no no crying unless it's happy crying  
Bro: IT IS HAPPY CRYING  
You: OKAY GOOD  
Bro: IT MIGHT BE A LITTLE SAD LATER BUT FOR NOW IT IS HAPPY  
You: Undyne says hi and that I can take the call as long as she gets to yell at your parents too  
Bro: All aboard the parent-bashing bus, departing in five minutes XD  
You: want me to see if Asgore or Toriel would also like to join in?  
Bro: Please do  
Bro: This is gonna be glorious  
You: YEP

It took a few minutes of explaining to have Asgore and Toriel agree to the call, but not quite ten minutes later, a four-way video call was set up, and all of you were just waiting on ****’s parents to actually come over to the computer. Undyne leaned over your shoulder, chin almost resting on it.

“So how loud do we actually get to be?” She half-muttered to you.

“Call them on their fuckin’ breathin’,” you grumbled. To be fair, Undyne had only seen you well and truly pissed once, but neither Asgore or Toriel were really expecting the almost-sick expression on your face.

“...” Asgore and Toriel seemed to glance at each other, though you couldn’t be sure, and Toriel lifted Frisk off of her lap.

“Frisk, why don’t you go do something noisy for a little bit?”

“Awww, mooooom!” Frisk stomped off, grumbling under their breath.

“ANYTIME, YOU TWO!” Apparently baby bro had forgotten he had his mic on. And promptly looked embarrassed. “They’re, uh, waiting for a commercial break… So yeah. Hi.”

“Howdy!” Asgore responded first, waving before taking a long sip from his tea.

“Yes, hello,” Toriel smiled, folding her hands on top of her desk.

“Shit, ____, you didn’t say your brother was that damn pretty,” Undyne elbowed you in the ribs. You might have shrieked a bit.

“Captainplease.” And there he went, hiding behind his shirt.

You giggled. “So, yeah, uh, everybody, remember that I am probably gonna have to talk for **** so... be as angry as you want, but let me try to words first. Got it?” You got a series of nods and smiled. “Ready whenever they get their butts over here.”

Almost as if on cue, a fart noise loud enough to be heard on ****’s headset microphone was heard.

His response was completely deadpan. “Dad, my mic is on.”

“Butt first as always, huh?” You deadpanned right back. Undyne snorted, head hitting your shoulder. ... Your shoulder was going to be very sore in the morning, you could tell already.

Toriel’s expression was so teacher-like you were almost wincing more at it than at the pain in your shoulder, while Asgore tried to hide a smile behind his mug.

A moment later, **** was being crowded in by his parents- a dark-skinned man with a goatee (who could only be the one to blame for the fart) and a silver-haired woman in a blouse and mom jeans.

‘Dad’ just chuckled. “Better out than in. So what’s this about?”

“Hiiii!” You waved eagerly, smiling so brightly all three of the monsters looked taken aback. “Remember me? The mysterious not-a-girlfriend?”

Both of the elder humans took one look at the crowd of monsters on the screen and their smiles vanished.

The woman spoke up. “Yep. Hi, ____.” It was artificially cheery at best.

“That’s me~” Your tone was positively sing-song, but just as artificially cheery. “Well, we have some good news! Thanks to Asgore, say hi, honey,” You waited for Asgore to wave and flash a slightly nervous smile before continuing, “****’s paperwork finally cleared. He’s got a flight scheduled for the first, and after that, he won’t be in your hair anymore!”

Undyne not-very-subtly edged away from you, standing behind you instead of leaning over.

Both of the ‘parents’ looked at ****. Judging from his expression, this was ALL news to them, and it was unwelcome.

“... Paperwork. What paperwork.”

“Sarah never mentioned she was moving--” The room got a little brighter.

“ _Sarah’s dead, and you killed her,_ ” Your voice dropped from your fake-ass, talking-to-stupid-customers register and into one deep enough even Asgore looked alarmed. “Now that _that_ nonsense is out of the way, you’re going to help ****, your son, pack, or I’m going to start filing the abuse investigation paperwork. Ebott doesn’t have a statute of limitations on that, you know.”

‘Dad’ went stone-faced. His wife, however, had small volcanoes in her eyes. And as she spoke **** just seemed to shrink more and more in his seat. “This is very much news to both of us. Sh-- he-- never mentioned he was moving. Let alone to live with… non-humans. We will need some time to--”

“No.”

“Excuse me, young LADY?”

“No, you are NOT pulling that shit now. I have two days to get packed. You do not have the time.” ****’s voice had gone stern and deep. “You will not pull this so you can avoid helping me with shit I can’t do myself, like you did when I came out. It’s not gonna fly anymore, Mom.”

Undyne leaned over your shoulder again, flashing her best grin, the one that showed all of her teeth and made her one good eye gleam like her spears. “And, as Captain of the Royal Guard, it does fall to me to ensure the safety of all citizens of Ebott, which **** now is. If he isn’t here safe, sound, and with every item he even marginally owns on the first, I’ll come get him myself.”

**** was having trouble looking composed by now.

“...” His mother looked away in disgust, muttering. “You did it again, Sarah. You always find people to turn against us when you don’t get your way.” The room grew even brighter.

“ _Sarah is dead and you killed her,_ ” You reiterated, cutting in much louder than you usually spoke, but no where near your max volume. Undyne still winced for effect, pulling away and rubbing behind a fin. Toriel looked mildly alarmed, glancing off-camera and shaking her head. “And I’m going to say that every time you use that name. If you’d like us to launch a formal investigation, though,” You leaned over, picking up a folder from your desk and flipping through it. “It was form A26, right, Captain Undyne?”

Asgore’s eyebrows had nearly met his hairline by now, and you could almost see steam pouring from Toriel’s ears.

The volcanic look in ****’s mother’s eyes erupted. Had one asked ****, he would have gladly explained she was calculating the damage to her image in the workplace if an investigation was indeed filed.

So her husband spoke up instead. “So… rather than just find a job here, S-- kid. You’re going to go live in Ebott?”

****’s voice was flat in his attempts to remain calm. “Yes, Dad.”

“And what will you be doing once you’re there? Do you have a plan?”

“Yes.”

There was a pause. Then-- “Okay. L-let us know if you wanna move back. Y’know, if this… arrangement falls through.”

Toriel’s sweet, motherly smile lent credence to the old rag about boss monsters being the inspiration for Satan. “Oh, have no fear! I’ve been looking for an art teacher who was capable of teaching digital classes as well as traditional, and **** fits the bill perfectly. He’ll have to do some certifications, but that’s purely a formality. He’s going to be teaching middle and high school students after our winter break!”

The mouth hiding behind the goatee curled in a way that might have been impressed. **** just looked stunned. He’d known of a plan, but maybe not THAT plan.

“Now,” Asgore finally broke in with a genuinely cheery smile and tone. “Undyne and ____ are, of course, quite zealous in their defense of my citizens, a trait I look for when recruiting guardsfolk, but I’d hate for anyone... innocent to come to harm from it. As long as **** arrives safe, sound, and with all of his possessions, we’ll forget all about filing that form. If, however, **** is upset, missing anything, or late, I’m afraid we really will need to investigate these claims. I understand ____ has quite a log of evidence ready to go, or she wouldn’t have been so blunt. Let’s just make this easy on all of us and have everything go as smoothly as possible. Alright?”

There was a very long and ominous pause. ****’s mother got up and walked away without a word. Her husband nodded sternly.

“... O-okay. I’m going to pack and ship some stuff today, and start with the stuff I’ll need to survive until said shipments show up--”

**** was cut off by his father. “You know, we would have helped you if you’d told us.”

“Yeahno. You wouldn’t have.”

“****--”

“No, I know by now you wouldn’t have! I had to arrange all of this behind your backs because I know how you feel about monsters and about Ebott, you would’ve never approved--”

“Thankfully, parental approval never has been, and never _will be_ , a requirement for emigration to Ebott,” Asgore’s smile remained in place.

“And ****’s right,” You added. “I literally had to do some of the forms for him to ensure that everything was completed without it having to pass through anyone up there.”

Another ominous pause followed this. Clearly, **** would typically have been in serious trouble after this call ended. Possibly still was.

“Oh, bro!” You bounced in place casually. “Make sure to text me every hour, okay?” You left the implication that if he failed to, you’d have some filing to do, just an implication.

A bit of relief crossed ****’s face. “M-M’kay. I will.”

“Great!” You nodded, keeping your chipper facade in place, not noticing everyone was staring at you. It was hard to tell, what with everyone except Undyne being on webcam, and Undyne was staring more at the screen than directly at you.

“Ooookay I think it’s time I went to see if your mother’s alright, kiddo. Nice to meetcha folks.” And just like that, ****’s father vanished from the webcam’s view.

**** managed to squeak out three words before he started sobbing into a napkin. “S-sis. Your eye.”

“Bro?” You were a lot more concerned over **** than something going on with your eye--

“____, you’re doing the Judgement thing. Go take ten, we’ve got your bro,” Undyne pushed you until you stood up automatically.

“The what?!” You stared at her.

“Go. Take ten. And look in a mirror. Get!” She shoved you out of the room. “Asgore, she’ll be fine, right?”

You heard Asgore start wheezing with laughter before Undyne shut the door in your face. You stared at the door for a moment before deciding Undyne wasn’t going to let you back into the room until at least ten minutes had passed, so you wandered off to find a mirror. When you found one, your jaw dropped. Somehow, your left eye seemed to have caught fire, burning with a blue flame like something out of an anime.

A good fifteen minutes or so later, you finally felt like you had control of yourself again. Or at least, the flame in your eye had gone down to the point you could only see it if you focused on it. You headed back to the door, rapping on it loudly. “Y’gonna let me back in?”

“What’s the password?” Undyne called.

“The password is I’ll kick your ass!” There was no heat to your voice though, so after a moment she unlocked the door. “Hey bro, you still there?”

“Yeah… Yeah, I’m here.” He sounded exhausted.

“You need a nap?” You sat in your chair before Undyne could steal it from you.

“I’ll be alright, I just need some water. Nothing dehydrates like a good cry, right?” He forced a laugh. Well, at least he was calmed down.

“Ain’t that the truth,” you nodded, looking sympathetic.

“... So when were you gonna tell me I was becoming an art teacher? Because that is both terrifying and wonderful.”

You giggled. “Well, uh...”

“Around the time I told her,” Toriel grinned. “Unless you’d prefer some other job, I think I’ll put my claim in for your talents.”

“Oh, n-no, I have no complaints about it, s’just a surprise. And be warned, my role models in that respect were my teachers at a self-directed school, so it’s gonna take some adjusting on my part.”

“Self directed?” Toriel looked curious. “We’ll have to talk about that after you arrive, ****. I’m looking forward to it!”

“Heh. Sure thing!” Theeere was a smile. You smiled too, relief and exhaustion flooding you too.

Undyne glanced at you and the faces on the screens. “I think we’re done for today.”

“____, could you come over before you collapse?” Asgore asked softly. “I have a few things you need to know.”

“And I have a discussion to have as well,” Toriel nodded, looking off-camera again and crooking a finger.

 

* * *

 

You weren’t sure how you made it to Asgore’s - Undyne’s enthusiasm kept you awake, but she had shoved you in the front door and taken your keys, telling you she’d bring you clean clothes in the morning when she picked you up for training. Whatever the case, you were soon snuggled on what you were sure Asgore thought was a loveseat, a blanket around you, an oversized mug of tea in your hands, and Asgore’s arm around you.

“Feeling better?”

“Still pretty tired, but yeah, I feel better.” You rested your head against his chest, snuggling in closer to him. “Do you... know what happened?”

“Yes, actually. That’s why I wanted to talk to you - I have no doubt humanity has lost the lore of Likenesses, at least in this part of the world,” his hand stroked over your stomach, just petting slowly.

“Yeah, only definition I can think of is someone or something that looks similar to someone.”

“Well, you’re not wrong.”

You tilted your head back to raise an eyebrow at him. He ducked his head to plant a kiss on your lips, smiling lazily.

“In terms of SOULs, Likenesses are two souls that are extremely similar. They hold the same Virtue, and take similar actions. When a monster and a human are like that, sometimes their souls are... reflections of each other. And when they come in close enough contact, they... Synchronize, is the word. Your hearts beat together and your SOULs intertwine.”

“Oh... kay...” You were starting to grasp the concept, but didn’t quite have it.

“Sex can do it, but that’s an extreme example. If you had been a Likeness to Papyrus or Undyne, your sparring match would have synchronized you.”

You nodded. That much made sense. “And all that means...”

“The human Likeness gains some of the magic of the monster Likeness,” Asgore smiled, switching to tracing circles over your stomach. “Minor versions of their powers. If you had been mine, instead, your eyes might flash, making your attacks harder to avoid, alternating between when moving or when still. Instead, you’re Alike to Sans. Once he’s calmed down, and you’re less exhausted from Standing Judgement, you’ll want to talk. Training these abilities make them stronger, but for you to activate that spontaneously and so strongly makes me worry.”

“Standing Judgement? He’d mentioned he was worried Undyne would think that’s what he was doing to me yesterday.”

“Yes, I’d imagine so. It’s... best I let him explain. I’d muddle the explanation up and leave you more confused. For now... Please try not to let your anger and hurt get the best of you. The powers you’ve gained will exhaust you until you’ve learned to control them better.”

“... Alright.” You nodded, rubbing your cheek against his chest. For all his muscularity, his belly and chest were mostly soft and squishy. It was a pleasant contrast. “... What does the monster Likeness gain?”

“... Durability. A monster Likeness becomes more solid, less vulnerable to damage-by-intent. Sans will slowly grow less fragile, the more time he spends in contact with and training you.”

You nodded, yawning wide enough your jaw cracked. He giggled, slipping a hand under you and pulling you into his lap. His other hand took your tea, setting it aside.

“Go to sleep, ____. You’ve earned the rest.”

You couldn’t even keep your eyes open long enough to wish him goodnight.

 

* * *

 

Today, your baby brother was finally coming home. It was the first of October, and you were... probably vibrating in place, clutching a sign in both hands. The others had been disappointed you wouldn’t let them come to meet him, but hadn’t put up much of a fight once you pointed out your brother’s mental state.

You watched the line, sign held up high enough he shouldn’t miss it, but not so high it would block other people’s views.

Several handfuls of people from the same flight went past before any sign of him became visible- and when it did, it was a flash of purple jeans and a stuffed Fennekin. That was him. Damn, he hadn’t been joking about that gaudy pink suitcase.

His eyes scanned the crowd for a second before he found you. And they lit right up. He hurried towards you as quickly as three bags and the Fennekin in one arm would allow, smiling in a way that said he was about to cry again.

You smiled back, setting the sign down and holding your arms out. Sure, you only came to his armpits, but hugs were the order of the day. “Baby bro!”

Well, up you went. And spun with a stuffed critter pressed against your back. The poor guy was so excited he couldn’t even form words. He just squealed and laughed and hugged. You hugged back, laughing as well, and leaned up until you could plant a big, noisy kiss on his cheek. And then you both started bawling, holding onto each other like the world was ending.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mwee hee hee. Aren't you buggers lucky?


	18. Preparations

Around noon, you finally rolled out of bed, managing to land on your feet with a thump and shakey legs. You’d been having some kind of dream about a checkerboard hallway and a battle within. It didn’t make much sense, but that dream never really did.

At least you had recognized it for what it was, though - a monster Battle.

You stalked out of the bedroom and knocked lightly on your brother’s door. You still almost couldn’t believe he was here. “Hey, you ready to get up? It’s like noon and I’m getting hungry.”

Several seconds ticked by before you heard an answer. “My eyes are open if that counts?”

“You want ice cream for breakfast?” You grinned, leaning against the wall next to the door. “Because I was gonna un-tetris the freezer.”

“That sounds excellent. Let me turn into a decent human being first.”

“Sure, I’ll go dig it out,” You headed for the kitchen, digging through your freezer to find where you’d hidden the ice cream from yourself. One pint of chocolate butterscotch, one pint of chocolate-hazelnut-caramel truffle, and two spoons later and you flopped on your couch, digging around for your computer’s keyboard and mouse to pull up something to watch.

You were joined not too long after by your bro- and of course, the stuffed Fennekin. He probably wasn’t going to let that thing out of arms’ reach for the whole day. You weren’t terribly surprised, though, and passed him his ice cream. You remembered to grab a blanket too, pulling it over your lap in case your nightgown rode up from how you were sitting. A few moments later and you had a cooking show pulled up.

“Sleep good?”

“Like the dead. In other words, yes.”

“Good. Guess Undyne decided not to be loud this morning,” you yawned. “Got a date tonight, you gonna be okay on your own for a night?”

He paused to consider. “Yeah, I should be fine. You go have fun tonight- and spare me the icky parts.”

“No worries there,” You giggled, covering your mouth. “That’d be pretty weird to tell you about.”

“Okiegood,” He grinned. “Fezzi and I will be here doing loner things, but you kinda knew that.”

“Yeah, kinda,” You grinned back. “I’ll probably ask Alphys to check on you though. Make sure you didn’t manage to destroy my wards setting _yours_ up.”

“... If I did, it was NOT intentional, and you know that.”

“Well sure, but has that ever stopped me from being a worrywart?”

“Yeahno. No, it has not,” He then went ahead and ate his first spoonful of ‘breakfast’. “... DamnImissedicecream.”

“I don’t get it a lot but you’re welcome to get it whenever,” You started to eat yours as well. “Mostly because I am a _decadent_ motherfucker over it.”

“No shame. None. Oh, right!” Baby bro promptly offers the next spoonful to his stuffed friend. “Did you want some, goofbutt? … Yeah, probably a lil’ cold for your liking. Moreforme.”

You had to clap a hand over your mouth to keep from squeeing. Your phone chose that exact moment to inform you of a text message - via fangirl shriek.

\---New Message!---  
Toriel: ____, are you awake?

“Pffft. Well if I wasn’t I am now...” You muttered.

\---Message: Toriel---  
You: I am now. I forgot what I made your ringtone.  
Toriel: I’m... sorry?  
You: It’s fine, what’s up?  
You: I thought teachers didn’t text in school? ;D  
Toriel: This is my free period. I wanted to know if you would come over before your date this evening. I’ve finished your outfit, but you’ll need help getting into it.  
You: Oh... kay, sure.  
Toriel: Excellent. Bring a change of clothes.  
You: That was already part of the plan.

You turned your phone towards your brother, snickering. “How doomed am I?”

Both your bro _and_ his fuzzy friend took a look at the conversation. “You’re definitely in the vicinity of doomed. Getting to doomed. If it requires help to get into I would say doomed is knocking on the front door.” He then looked up at you and grinned. “Have fuuuun.”

You grinned back. “I am going to have _all_ of the fun. Want me to give her your number?”

 

* * *

 

"Have you ever worn a corset before, ____?" Toriel took a moment to run her fingers through your hair, looking contemplative as you carefully settled a delicate gauze shirt over your stomach, smoothing it down and checking that none of the buttons were below the gore of your bra. The pintucked pleats and ruffles made it just opaque enough that you couldn’t make out said bra, other than the straps. If you hadn’t seen it on a white fabric manikin when you came in, you’d have thought that it was white, but it was a very pale purple, just enough to not be a sudden clash against the dusky, dusty, gray-purple of your pants. They were pinstriped in a pale lavender, and better made than the sort you usually wore.

"Cheap-ass ones in high school?" You lifted your arms when she tapped them, a little confused.

"So you know how to sit in one, but haven't ever really had support. I'll try not to lace it too tightly," Toriel nodded, almost more to herself than you, and placed one hand firmly on your back, holding you in place while she settled the waistcoat-style corset onto your torso and began to lace it up. The pale lavender ribbons almost tickled even through your pants. It was made of the same material as your pants, except for two panels on the front. Those were a deep black leather with a pattern you couldn’t quite make out yet embossed on them.

"... Not that corsets aren't awesome, but why...?" You settled your arms to your sides, watching her in the mirror. There wasn’t much you could do to help just yet, other than finish buttoning up the shirt and holding mostly still.

Tori grinned evilly. "You're going to _need_ it."

“I’m... going to need it?” You tilted your head back to look at her. She pressed a little harder against you to make you sit up straighter, which meant you had to stop trying to turn towards her. “Nnf.”

“Ooh yes. Believe me, you’ll be very glad of this by the time dinner’s over.”

“So, uh, what’s the pattern on the front? I can’t tell in the mirror.”

“Lilies-of-the-Valley. You said those were your favorite flower, right?”

“Yeah. Though, uh, wow. How did you find leather patterned like that? It’s not something I can find easily!”

“I had Asgore make it. The boots as well. He would have included gloves, but he hasn’t had a chance to work with your hands,” Toriel giggled when she caught sight of your slightly overwhelmed expression. “I did tell you most monsters are artisans.”

“S-still! All this for a date?”

“Oh, it will be worth it. Asgore’s going to go dry in the mouth and spend the entire night sitting with something over his lap.”

You supposed she would know, being his ex-wife and all. Her hand moved again, and you felt her start to tighten the corset. You sat up straighter, letting the boning do the work of correcting your posture. It helped that it was laced from the base of your neck to the base of your spine, the wide straps pulling your shoulders back. The only thing that could have made you look more courtly was a posture collar - and if Toriel pulled one of _those_ out, you were putting your foot down. And not in the fun way.

“Breathing--!” You squeaked.

“Oh, right,” Toriel let a little of the tension off before expertly knotting the laces. “There. Finish buttoning the front, I need to see if Sans found that pin I was looking for earlier.”

With Toriel gone, it was a perfect time for Sans to show up, bow, and show off the pin in question. “that’s an excellent idea, friend. while you distract the guard, i will replace his sword with _this turnip_.”

You felt a reference fly clear over your head. “... Hey Sans.” Frankly, your ass wasn’t moving from the rather high stool you were on while you tried to adjust to having your torso held in an embrace of silk and steel. “What was that referencing?”

“monster storybook, don’t think you’d know it.”

“Fair enough. I take it that’s the pin Toriel was looking for?”

“yeah. figured i’d find it somewhere around here.” Sans looked around for a moment, as if trying to find something other than the obvious to talk about. Failing this, he looked back at the pin. “so about that weird monster-human thing, number one, bone zone is _closed_ . i am _not_ doing that. number two, i wasn’t going to talk about the judgey stuff unless it really needed to come up. i guess it came up.”

You couldn’t even muster words for a moment, jaw dropping. “I, ew, really-- that-- _ew_ . Keep the bone zone closed. _**Ew.** _ ”

“my thoughts exactly.” Sans was able to express levels of creeped out you hadn’t thought possible in a skeleton.

You shuddered. “As for the judgey thing, I’ve already been warned to avoid doing the thing. Considering I damn near passed out just driving to Asgore’s, I’m taking that advice.”

“yeah, i’m gonna have to agree. the thing about that thing is-- and i’m not sure how good you are at dodging or however-- it really opens you up. take a solid hit and, well. hope you’ve been having good dreams, ____.”

That comment reminded you of your dreams last night and you shuddered a little. “I’ve actually been pretty decent at reflecting attacks so far,” You immediately tried to get your mind off of it.

“normally i’d ask you to back that up but right now that seems a little unfair.”

“Ya _think_?” You deadpanned, just in time for Toriel to return. The look she turned on Sans made you worry about him a tiny bit.

“Ah, _Sans_. Did you find that pin like I asked you?” She smiled, but you could swear you saw smoke curling from the corners of her mouth.

“yeah we must’ve just missed each other. here it is.” He held up the pin for Toriel’s inspection.

Toriel nodded, leaning down to take it and plant a kiss on his forehead. “Thank you, dear. Weren’t you going to help Frisk with their homework?”

“i vaguely recall making that promise at some point, i suppose i’d better do something resembling keeping it.” Sans waved to you and actually exited the normal way, through the door.

You wondered for a moment why Toriel was so set on keeping the two of you apart but... well, it would all make sense eventually. You weren’t certain why you were so certain of that. “That doesn’t look like a tie pin?”

“It’s not,” Toriel pulled a length of shiny, royal purple silk from the area the rest of your outfit was, and began carefully tying the ascot on for you. “Tell me if I make this too tight.” One she finished tying your ascot and pinning it, she turned you away from the mirror and opened a box of cosmetics.

“D’you actually know how to do human makeup?” You looked over curiously.

“I had to experiment on Frisk a little, but I am fairly familiar. You won’t look like you came out of an old woodprint, at least.”

Your eyes widened a little, and you held very still as one hand cupped your chin. Toriel held you steady, applying a little bit dark purple of liner to your lips and eyes. Next came white lipstick, eyeshadow that faded from dark to royal purple, and golden mascara. She barely dusted your cheeks with blush, and added a slightly sparkly powder to your jaw and what little of your throat was visible.

She looked you over, nodded a little, and turned you towards the mirror again.

“... Woah.”

“Now, let’s see what to do with your hair...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Augh. I had intended for the date itself to happen this chapter, but with the length it is and how long it took me to write it... here ya go, date itself is _next_ chapter. Sorry lovelies!


	19. Dinner Date, Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WELP THAR BE PORN IN THIS ONE MY FINE FURRY FRIENDS. Enjoy!

You were ushered to the private room without seeing Asgore. The host knocked politely, and from within you heard the bass rumble of his voice. You took as deep a breath as you could manage in the corset and carefully opened the door, stepping inside.

You were greeted by the loveliest sight you had ever seen - Asgore wore a flowing, royal purple gown. It was strapless, tightly hugging his torso through to his waist. A golden belt cinched it shut, and then it gave way to pleats both tight and loose. His arms were bare, but what you could see of his legs - which was quite a bit, due to the dress’ high-low hemline - were covered in... tights? Leggings? You couldn’t see the tops of them, really, but they left his feet as bare as ever.

The hem of the dress drew your eye back up his legs, though, to just how impossibly high the front was. The pleats were tight at his waist, before overlapping to fall over his legs. As you watched, the folds shifted a little, showing a hint of something lacy and pink beneath. Your face flushed and you hurriedly looked up, only to find your eyes drawn to his chest instead. He wore a thick, golden wrap chain for a necklace, with a lovely rose quartz pendant dangling from it. It rested a little above what you slowly realized was... cleavage. You hadn’t been mistaken, before - his chest was very, very well-padded. Enough so that in this dress, he almost seemed to have small, shapely breasts.

Your thighs pressed together in an instinctive response, and you started to understand why Toriel had been sure to choose a corset that laced _over_ your pants - though it wasn’t likely they’d stay dry through dinner. You almost twitched the caped greatcoat that completed your outfit - it was a purple so deep and rich it appeared black in the dim light of the room - around yourself, but decided instead to stride forward and take his hand.

You couldn’t find any words, and so you simply bowed over his hand, sweeping your coat out in an entirely unnecessary flourish. Above you, you heard him whimper softly and murmur something under his breath. That gave you a few words, at least. “Your Majesty...”

It took him a moment to find words as well, and when he did, his voice was a breathy whisper. “... Dame ____.” His free hand gently cupped your face, drawing you upright and tilting your face up towards his. If someone had had a camera, the two of you would have made the perfect romance novel cover.

You only jumped half a foot when you heard the distinct ka-CHK of a camera shutter.

“ _Mettaton--_ ” Asgore wrapped an arm around you protectively, pressing you into him. You turned your head just in time to avoid having your entire face shoved into his chest - the situation was undignified enough as it was.

“Oooh!” You had never heard the killer robot squee before. You sort of wished you hadn’t just heard it. “Your brother was right, darling, you look absolutely amazing~!”

You missed your hoodie, and cuddling into Asgore was doing absolutely nothing on the whole ‘hiding yourself’ front. There was an almost visible silence as Asgore and Mettaton adjusted to the idea that you were really, truly, a shy person.

And then you threw your box cutter at the talking box. It donked off of his case, almost comically landing right back on his head. The keychain plush attached to the end draped over his screen, which flashed ‘-1!’ twice before settling on a marquee of exclamation points.

Very slowly, the killer robot reached up, delicately plucked the box cutter from atop his head, and extended his arm halfway across the room to offer it back to you. “I believe this is yours! Cute dragon plush, by the way.”

You stared at Mettaton for a long moment, before silently taking the box cutter back and tucking it back into your pocket. You let the dragon dangle out of it. Asgore gently nudged your hip with one finger. “... Thanks.”

“Now~” Mettaton purred to the two of you, rolling closer and clasping his hands together. If he’d had eyes, the lashes would have fluttered. “What can I get the happy couple to drink?”

“Tea?” You glanced up at Asgore.

“Hot?” He tilted his head down to you.

“Hot,” you nodded, glancing at Mettaton.

Mettaton clapped his hands in apparent delight. “Excellent~ I’ll be back in just a few minutes my beauties!” He wheeled out. You stared after him.

“... Next time, I’m picking where we go,” You raised a hand to pet along one of Asgore’s ears.

“... Yes, yes you are,” He agreed, nuzzling your forehead lightly. “You look amazing, ____. I... I’m not sure I can even...”  
Your hands slid down, one grabbing his rump as best you could, the other squeezing his chest and finding that was definitely a breast. “... Do you bind...?”

He blinked, a rosy blush spreading across his face. “N-no. I don’t need to, ah, they don’t usually project very much. But they’re very tender...”

“O-oh!” You immediately lifted your hand, only for him to gently press it down again.

“What you were doing is fine. Just, no harder,” He smiled a little nervously.

“... Alright.” You grinned, leaning up to kiss him. Asgore seemed to take the hint that you weren’t going to let him speak poorly of himself, and returned the kiss eagerly. You moved your hand from his rump to stroke his face and beard, kiss slowly deepening, your tongues tentatively exploring each other. You leaned against him, feeling him hardening and starting to push the folds of his skirt aside again. You broke the kiss with a gasp, nuzzling against him. “We should, um, s-sit down. Yeah.”

Asgore nodded, stroking the side of your face with one large, gentle hand. You finally looked around, taking in how spacious the private room was, and how large the table was... and the fact there was only one chair. Really, it was more like a throne or a bench, but it was all you could do not to squeak. Asgore grinned, placing one hand on your back to gently steer you towards it.

“We... never even stood a chance, did we?”

“We really didn’t,” Asgore sounded pleased. He sat carefully, but only the table itself blocked his - admittedly very cute- panties from being seen, what with the cut of his dress. That answered the question of thigh highs or leggings, though – thigh highs with a garter belt. Your mouth went dry, and you reflexively licked your lips. He wasn’t fully hard just yet, so the delicate lace of his panties was in no danger of being stretched out of shape just yet. “____?”

“I know we uh. Were planning on talking more, but, um,” You leaned back and put your hands on the table, dragging your eyes up his body slowly, taking in every delicious nuance, and finally held his gaze. You weren’t ever this bold in person. “I’m really _thirsty_ now.”

“Are you now?” Asgore trailed a hand down the front of his dress slowly, spreading the delicate folds of the skirt wider and leaning back into the cushy throne. His fingertips ghosted along his outer thighs, and he spread his legs wide, tracing along his inner thighs, then delicately up along his panties, drawing your eyes with them. “Why don’t you come take a drink, then?”

The door opened, as if on cue. “Ah, perfect timi--” You turned to stare at Mettaton with an expression that spelt the robot’s doom, should he do anything except close the door and wheel away as fast as his little robotic butt could go.

“Ah... Your tea, beauties. And then perhaps I’ll, ah, allow you to enjoy your date in peace until you’re quite ready to eat?” If rectangular robots could sweat, this one would have been. He brought the tea tray to the table and rolled out of there as fast as he could squeak, door closing quietly behind him.

You turned back to Asgore and took a deep breath. “Where were we?”  
Asgore chuckled and wrapped his hands around your hips, drawing you close without upsetting your more-delicate balance. “I believe you were about to take off your coat and get down on your knees.”

You rested your hands on his shoulders, pressing back against his hands. “Oh, was I? After that, I’m tempted to leave you all eager and spread out like that...” You trailed a hand up his throat, lifting his chin. “Maybe I should, hmm...?”

He growled at you, a low rumble that rolled down your spine and settled in your hips. You smiled, kissing him again.

“I’m not that mean.” You shrugged out of your coat slowly, draping it over the throne, and smirked at him. “I will need a hand down, though.” He helped you kneel and settle comfortably on the floor. Unsurprisingly enough, there was already a cushion there, making it much more comfortable for you to kneel there. You took a moment to enjoy the soft fur of his innermost thighs before you hooked a finger into the waistband of his pretty pink lace panties, and tugged them down just far enough to free his cock.

Above you, Asgore made a small noise, but you ignored it for now and cupped him gently in both your hands. Actually taking him would be a challenge for you - his hands had let you guess at how thick he would be, but you still hadn’t been expecting the real deal. You licked a long streak up its length, eyes closing as you savored the new, unusual taste. This time, Asgore whimpered, and you felt his fingers clench in your hair. No wonder Toriel had left it down. You glanced up, his tip resting on your tongue, and hummed inquisitively.

“B-been a while,” he ground out, free hand clenched tightly enough around the armrest that you suspected it was reinforced. “I will get off _very easily_.”

An evil chuckle bubbled out of you and you dragged your tongue up his slit, shivering when his fingers tightened in your hair, pulling your scalp taut. He keened, head falling back, and pressed one foot against your rear, urging you closer to him. Your fingers curled lazily around him, exploring the knot and ridges of his cock. You’d only seen boss monster cocks on fetish websites before, and most of those had catered to male monsters. That meant you had a fairly good idea of what was and wasn’t sensitive... and delicately running a fingertip along the inside of one of the ridges made him choke out your name in a warning snarl, the hand in your hair forcing your head down sharply before he made himself to relax. His arm was shaking with the effort, and you could feel him twitch with how much even a little control cost him. The muscles in his thighs spasmed hard enough you could feel them where they pressed against your arms, and the hand on the arm of the chair jerked hard enough you heard a soft creak of protest.

You realized that while you weren’t in complete control, you had completely wrecked Asgore’s control already. Both thumbs gently ran along his ridges and you closed your lips around his tip, taking your time getting to know every curve with your tongue. You could already taste something almost-savory and tingly. It took you a moment to realize why the savory-sweet taste was familiar - you were almost certain you’d tried a tea that had a similar flavor. You smirked around his cock, glancing up to see his reaction.

Asgore’s head was back, an almost pained expression on his face. You hummed in satisfaction, inching your way down. He was wonderfully thick, enough so that keeping your teeth off of him while getting any kind of depth was a challenge. The hand on your head didn’t urge you down, but it kept you from lifting your mouth off of his cock. He groaned low and soft as you learned his ridges and taste. Finally, you found going any further down would scrape your teeth along his length, and he wasn’t letting you up. You squeezed his hardening knot and growled, but that broke the last semblance of control he had. He pressed your head down further. You didn’t try to stop your teeth dragging down him, and were caught off guard when he came, pumping thick, savory-sweet, tingling cum into your mouth. You had to swallow hard and fast several times just to keep from choking on it, especially as you couldn’t raise your head.

Asgore didn't seem to care right away, breathing fast and hard, big hand caressing your head softly. You very gently pressed your teeth into his cock, not really biting down, to remind him you did in fact need to breathe. He yelped in surprise, immediately releasing your head, and smirked down at you. You lifted your head, rubbing your jaw lightly, and smirked back.

"Both hands on the arms next time, methinks."

He nodded in agreement, hand stroking the side of your face gently. "Yes ma'am." You leaned into his hand, just enjoying the warmth for a moment... before you realized that he was still hard. He didn't even look a little limp. Your eyebrows must have raised, because he chuckled. "Unlike humans, monsters don't have much of a refractory period... and I've always found masturbation... disappointing."

"So you, uh, have an unlimited supply right now?" Your smile was absolutely devious. When he nodded, you licked along the underside, tasting his cum still on it. "I'm just going to have to take advantage of that, then. Both hands on the arms, gorgeous." He grinned sheepishly, hands gripping the arms of the double chair. You slowly licked him clean, making sure to get every drop while he squirmed and whined. This time, you were determined to tease him, see how long you could draw him out before it was too much for either of you. You traced his ridges with your tongue and fingers, listening to his eager groans and soft whimpers.

Each twitch and whine made you bolder, until you tried scraping your teeth down him again. His cock twitched and he cried out, a single drop of pre dripping from his tip. Though you intended to stretch him out, like hell were you going to let him get his cum all over your nice new clothes. You licked the drop away, coaxing out another, and slipped his tip into your mouth again. He whined again, hands tightening on the armrests enough to make them creak loudly. You squeezed very gently around his knot, reminding him to stay still while you carefully, slowly lowered your head, taking more and more of him in. His cock twitched in your mouth, the sweet taste of his pre making your entire mouth tingle, but you kept on. Since he seemed to enjoy the feel of your teeth on his cock, you didn't stop when you felt your teeth scrape him. He growled, moaning loudly over you. It was almost enough to push him over the edge, but you weren't quite done. You squeezed his knot again and started to swallow around him, taking him deeper, until you felt the almost choking sensation of cock in your throat.

This time, he roared. You slipped your fingers behind his knot, tugging gently, encouraging him to keep cumming, swallowing hard to keep from choking or gagging on him. You weren't sure how he kept his hips still, but you were sure that you were done for right now. When you lifted your head, ever-so-carefully, saliva and cum dripped from your lips, connecting his cock to your mouth for a long moment. You swallowed hard.

"I think I'd better save the rest for dessert, if I'm going to eat any dinner."

He blushed deeply and nodded, carefully helping you to your feet again, only to pull you close and kiss you softly and thoroughly. You had somewhat expected him to object to the taste of his cum in your mouth, but he simply drew you into his lap, purring loudly. You wrapped your arms around him, leaning into the kiss and shivering happily. You wanted to slip a hand down your pants, but you couldn’t, and that just made you wetter. One of his hands cupped your ass, holding you securely against him, and your hands traced his face, stroking over his beard lightly. You sat in his lap, still cautious as could be, but he didn’t let you slip. He settled you comfortably where he wanted you and stroked your hair, smiling softly.

You heard a timid knock at the door and scowled. Asgore chuckled, stroking his thumb across your mouth, and sat up a little straighter.

“Do come in.”

A tan cat monster cautiously peeked into the room, expression screaming a plea not to hurt him. “Uh, are you, ready to order?” You and Asgore shared a look, then nodded the poor cat inside. He entered, cringing the entire time, and offered you the menu.

“I think we’ll have the lobster special.”

“Do you want Anime Sauce or Confetti Butter with the lobster?” The cat asked with another cringe.

“... Confetti Butter.”

“And your salads?”

“The Petal Flourish.”

“Okay, I’ll put your order in. Have a sparktacular day!” The cat fled, almost leaving a cat-monster-shaped hole in the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uuuuugh. I had intended to do everything in one chapter, but considering how long this took just to write... Bleeeeh. Have this. More is coming, to the tune of 'kink talk while feeding each other dinner,' which brings me to this chapter's Reader Interaction Question:
> 
> I know these dorks' top three kinks. What kinks would you guys like to see them have? :D
> 
> Oh... and since all the cool kids are doing it, Monster Hell now has a tumblr.
> 
> [Welcome to Monster Hell](http://welcometomonsterhell.tumblr.com/)


	20. Dinner Date, Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there is a whole hell of a lot of kink talk. Also, if breathplay isn't your thing, this probably isn't the chapter [or fic] for you. Juuuust sayin'.

You and Asgore settled yourselves comfortably while you waited for your server to return with your food. Asgore took it upon himself to pour tea for the both of you, tasting his before carefully tweaking yours. You weren’t particularly surprised to discover it was perfect.

“Thank you,” you smiled up at him, then kissed his cheek.

“Only the best,” Asgore purred, fingers sliding up your thigh to trace over your groin. You made an incoherent little noise, canting your hips up, just as the door opened, revealing your server with a tray full of food. Asgore’s hand stilled, but remained firmly between your legs. His lips brushed your neck just above the collar of your shirt while the wild-eyed cat set your plates down as quickly as he possibly could.

“U-uh, please, save room for dessert! And enjoy your mea--” He closed the door on his own words.

You whined, back arching, as Asgore went back to rubbing you through your pants. His free hand curled around one of your breasts, and he growled appreciatively.

“Your panties are already soaked, aren’t they?” He whispered, gently squeezing your breast, licking your neck slowly. You weren’t quite sure how you responded, but his fingers sped up and he nipped your ear just hard enough to sting. “When we get home, I’m going to tear open these pants and fuck you against the door.”

You managed to gather the scraps of your thoughts enough to answer. “ _You’re_ explaining that to Tori,” you smirked, tilting your head to the side to give him better access to your neck.

“Hmm... I think I can live with that,” he tugged your cravat loose, carefully undid the top few buttons of your blouse, and pulled the collar down enough to gently bite your neck without getting a mouthful of fabric in the process. You groaned, reaching back to sink a hand into his hair and hold him against you, but you found a horn instead. That made for a much better grip, and when you felt him stiffen and shudder behind you, well, that was all the better. He purred, the sound rumbling through your chests and stealing your breath. After a moment, he huffed in mild annoyance, easing off of your neck slowly. “You’re not particularly sensitive, are you?”

“Takes a lot of build-up to get me off,” you agreed, head lazing back against his shoulder. He shifted his hand a little, rubbing slow, lazy circles against your mound, shoulder twitching a little to make you turn your head more towards him.

He kissed you softly, a little more chastely this time. “What sort of build-up, hmm?”

You rocked your hips against his hand, free one adjusting it to rub against your clit more directly. “What you’re doing right now is pretty nice, but... Honestly, the only way I’ve gotten off left me to sore to even touch myself for a week after.” You grinned as his eyebrows rose.

“Really now? And how did that happen?” His hand rubbed against your breast gently until your nipple began to stiffen. He turned his attention to it more directly then, lightly pinching it through the layers of fabric.

“Apparently, um,” You shivered, grinding into his hands more eagerly now, “I, uh... my cervix is what’s, ah...” You bit your lip, breathing out hard.

“... Good thing you’re so tiny, then.” His voice was a bass rumble in your ear, followed by little bites down your neck, slow and careful not to break the skin. “Quiet, too.”

“...nnnh...” Your face was hot from how hard you were blushing, a flush that was spreading down your neck and chest as well. You were so sensitive and aroused, it almost felt like your body was on fire.

“Just relax, ____,” You could feel him hard against your ass, encouraging you to roll your hips back against him. He licked a slow line along where he’d bitten your neck before, leaning forward to loom over you a little. “Do you know what I’d very much like to do to you?”

Your breath hitched and you managed to make the next tiny sound you made a little questioning. Your attention was rewarded by him switching hands, giving your other breast attention as well. Just as well, the mesh of your bra was soft, but not _that_ soft.

“I would love,” His hips rolled against yours, “to pull that pretty cravat tight in my fist and twist it even tighter around your neck just long enough to make your lungs scream for air,” your breath hitched with a little keen you weren’t entirely sure was your own voice, “just so I could loosen it again. Long enough for one breath.” He kissed you slowly, taking his time. You felt desire coiled painfully tight in you, making your hips jerk and twitch, but his hand was inescapable. You couldn’t get away from the slow, deep rubbing that seemed to drag the softness of your panties right across your clit with each pass. “And then tight again. Watch your face flush darker and darker and your eyes get unfocused. Watch those soft little fingers of yours go all numb and tingly...”

Something inside of you almost broke, the unfamiliar sensation drawing another tiny keen of pleasure from you. Asgore slowed further, touch growing gentler as he eased you down from your orgasm. Your hands were clutched tight around his horn and one arm of the chair, even once you could see straight again, and you leaned back against him, almost exhausted from actually getting off.

“... ffffuck...” Your voice was higher than normal, something that usually only happened after you first woke up. Asgore chuckled softly, hands moving to meet around your waist, pulling you close against him. “What did you... do?”

“You’re not the first of my lovers to face that particular challenge. I’ve never enjoyed knowing my partner was left frustrated - unless, of course, that’s what they _wanted_ \- so I learned how to... help.”

You forced your hands to relax, squirming about in his lap so you could wrap your arms around him and hide your still red-hot face in his beard. That just seemed to amuse him more, his hands stroking your side and back gently.

 

* * *

 

Asgore gave you a few minutes to recover your composure before urging you to eat. You were pleasantly surprised by the food - you’d expected it to be all glitz and possibly some kind of sequin and glue concoction... but truthfully, it was rather good. Kind of silly - who had ever heard of a salad made entirely of edible flowers? - but... good.

Asgore kept stealing glances down at you, expression tentative. You raised an eyebrow at him. You were both flush with afterglow, what in the world could have him shy _now_? Asgore tentatively lifted his fork, offering you a bite of lobster. He shook a little, so you placed your hand on his to steady it as you took the offered bite. Asgore smiled widely, other hand pulling you closer. You giggled softly, offering him a bite from your plate with a playful smile. Asgore hummed in your ear, wiggling a little, and your smile widened into a grin.

“You like subbing, don’t you?”

He almost choked on his tea. “____!”

“Hey, you got me off with breathplay talk, don’t _even_ ,” you stuck your tongue out at him. He glowered a little, but it didn’t quite work on you.

“... Yes, I do,” he finally nodded. “Not exclusively, though.”

“Okay, probably a good thing,” you snuggled against his shoulder comfortably. “I’m a switch too.”

He nuzzled your hair softly. “Alright. Do you prefer domming, though?”

You wiggled one hand, then speared yourself a bite of his salad. “Mmn, I like turning the tables, and don’t really like it when people _assume_ I’m a sub just because I’m female and tiny.” Asgore snorted, smacking your hip lightly. “Mmph!” you swallowed quickly, shaking the fork at him mock-threateningly. “Spanking too, yeah. On both sides.

He chuckled, taking a rather large bite of your lobster. “What about caning?”

“Uh...” You tilted your head, thinking about it. “May...be? What were you thinking, exactly?”

He trailed a finger up your thigh. Your pants were still damp from where you’d cum earlier. “I do like the sight of a striped thigh, but sore little feet are a real treat.”

You considered, wriggling on his lap slightly. “We’d probably need to work up to that? I’ve never done a lot of pain play, and with guard training on top of it...”

He nodded, hand settling on your stomach. “That’s perfectly reasonable. And... well, I’d like to be on the receiving end of that... and I don’t have nearly as much walking and standing to do.”

You giggled and reached up to stroke along his beard. “I like having my hair pulled.”

“... Just don’t pull my beard. Hair is fine, as is grabbing onto my horns,” He grinned. “The bases are actually rather sensitive.”

“Oooh.” You giggled, petting at his ear.

“Hmm... ah...” He glanced away, hesitation obvious.

You gently turned his face towards you and raised an eyebrow.

“What do you like being called? I’m not really comfortable with degrading names...”

“I’m not, either. Uh...” You blushed a little, glancing away this time. Asgore caught your chin before you could get far, though. “My last partner was fond of Reina.”

Asgore managed to keep a straight face for about ten seconds before dissolving into giggles. You stared at him, then reached behind him and smacked him upside the head. “I didn’t want her calling me Mistress, okay?”

He continued giggling, hiding his face in your shoulder. You pinched and tugged on his ear.

“Ow, ow, it’s just... heeee.” He kissed you, wrapping both arms around you. “That’s just too adorable for words.”

“... excuse you?”

He snickered harder. “I know, I know, it’s just... Very cute, and I don’t think I could take it at all seriously, I’m sorry.”

You raised your eyebrows at him, crossing both arms. “Oh? And what would you suggest then, hmm?”

“I would suggest Dame but... well, I will end up calling you Dame... Well, not ____...”

“Dame Gaster?” You barely caught Asgore’s fork in time. “Uh...?”

“... I didn’t think a human branch of the Gasters would still be... extant.”

You blinked. “Um... yeah? Pretty scattered around but...”

After a moment, he laughed it off, pulling you close to him. “Well, I can safely say that would absolutely ruin the mood for me.”

You nodded. “Okay, so...”

“Magna, perhaps?” Asgore stroked a hand over your hair. “It means grand.”

“I like that.” You smiled.

He stroked a finger down your throat again, focusing on what you could guess were marks from his teeth. “... Hmm.” The two of you spent most of the rest of your meal discussing titles, bouncing them off of each other until you found ones that would work until you had had a chance to really play together and test them out.

“Though, I wouldn’t recommend using any diminutives anywhere it might get back to Toriel. She likes to use them at the most importune times,” Asgore winced.

It took you a moment to figure out why, at which point you grinned. “Is _that_ why people call you King Fluffybuns?”

Asgore groaned like a dying moose and nodded. “And I can’t really, ah, respond in kind.”

“... Because she’d smack you with a rolling pin.”

“ _Yes_ . And she’s done that before, too. Of course, that time it was over pegging, which I’ve since learned is delightful. But the point still stands. Let’s... _not_.”

“Agreed,” you nuzzled into his neck with a sigh. “... Pegging, huh?”

“Quite possibly my favorite activity,” He chuckled, offering you another bite.

“Well, that’s something I’m all for!” You giggled, taking it.

“Oh, good,” Asgore smiled, kissing your nose and cupping your ass. “I know it’s generally somewhat taboo...”

“Honestly, anal’s just as fun for me as vaginal.”

Asgore snorted and grinned. “That’s good to know. Though, do you have any hard limits, or even just ‘I’d rather not’s?”

“Uuum... Basically anything involving waste is a no, same thing with most fluids. Blood play is a _maybe_ , but it’d take some talking,” You tilted your head. “And I’d prefer nothing that would scar or otherwise be permanent.”

He nodded, pulling you closer for a moment. “I would never want to hurt you that badly. As for the rest, I’m fine with that - most of it would be impossible or just kind of bizarre for me anyways.”

“Yeaaaah.” You nodded. “What about you?”

“Anything involving degradation,” He hummed, considering. “I don’t much care for the... shiny-smooth materials, excepting leather. But... PVC, rubber, that sort of thing just pulls my fur out.”

“Just as well,” You giggled. “I’ve got a nasty latex allergy. Thankfully non-latex birth control works just as well and is about the same price.”

Asgore chuckled. “Speaking of which, and I assume you’ve done your research so I’m probably telling you what you already know, but, unless both of us actively want children, you can’t get pregnant.”

You nodded. “Yeah, I knew about that, but thank you for telling me anyways.” You stroked a hand through his hair gently. He leaned into the touch, turning his head to nuzzle your palm softly.

You heard a loud buzzer and music start up, the door crashing open as Mettaton strode in, using his more-familiar android body. “Ooh, darlings, aren’t you just precious? I hope you saved room for dessert!” Behind the hideously pink robot was what looked like his boxier body in a hideous wedding dress, complete with veil. “I brought cake!”

Your eye twitched.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that was rather a lot crammed into one chapter! I can't wait to hear what all of you lovely little sinners have to say about the various reveals and kinks. 
> 
> For the poster who wanted to see what Baby Bro looks like, [here you go](http://welcometomonsterhell.tumblr.com/post/138258637392/oops-my-hand-slipped-front-row-is-sans-frisk-and), and for the poster who wanted the recipe for meatball stew, [here _you_ go](http://welcometomonsterhell.tumblr.com/post/138142651187/lazy-meatball-stew). You can always check out [Welcome to Monster Hell](http://welcometomonsterhell.tumblr.com) for information you might not not see in the story or author's notes, as well as [goofy voice acting](http://welcometomonsterhell.tumblr.com/post/137458565157/okay-so-i-have-about-a-million-hickmart-stories) and [my [relevant] artwork](http://welcometomonsterhell.tumblr.com/tagged/tlu%20does%20art). Any fan stuff I happen to be sent will also be posted to the blog, with credit. ;D Just sayin'.


	21. Dinner Date, Part 3

Asgore managed to get you home without you murdering any over-dramatic robots, though it took every bit of diplomacy at his disposal - especially once you realized the bastard had been _talking to your baby brother_ and had probably scarred him for life. Once in the car, though, you started to calm down again. Asgore looked more amused than concerned, as though he’d halfway expected this to happen. Maybe he had; after all, you’d chucked your box cutter at Mettaton without all that much provocation.

“So, uh, in regards to fucking against the door...” You stroked your hand up his thigh gently.

“Yes?” He glanced at you, but kept his attention on the road.

“I don’t think you’re gonna fit, hon.”

“The downsides of dating a lesbian,” he winked. “I think I can work around that just fine. I like eating out at least as much as you do.”

You giggled, squeezing his thigh lightly. “Wasn’t sure I was going to like sucking dick, but I don’t have any complaints.”

“Glad to hear it. You seemed to be enjoying yourself.”

“Surprisingly enough, yes. But I got advice from a gay man, so...”

“Should I be thanking him?”

“If you like? Come to think of it, been awhile since we’ve talked...”

Asgore hummed, then glanced down at you. “So, you mentioned not being interested in your brother in particular...”

You nodded. “Yeah. Maybe later on, after we’ve figured out _our_ dynamic out, I’d be open to talking about adding other people, _if_ you’re interested.”

Asgore put his hand over yours, squeezing softly. “I’m also open to a potential poly relationship, sometime in the future.” You both smiled at each other.

* * *

The door closed behind the two of you, and Asgore picked you up as easily as a bag of dirty, settling you on one of his legs. You stayed there just long enough for him to strip off your coat and kiss you soundly, and then he clawed open the still-damp fabric of your pants. You squeaked a bit in surprise - he was _definitely_ explaining this to Toriel - and grabbed onto his shoulders when he lifted you by the waist and knelt down. He winked up at you and clawed the fabric wider carefully, then hooked his fingers under your panties - soft cotton and lace - and cheerfully ripped those open as well. You grabbed onto his horns instead as he nuzzled your thighs.

“Oh, good. You don’t shave. Never really cared for that trend.”

You smirked, rubbing your thumbs against his horns in small circles. “I didn’t think you’d mind au natural. Trimmed it, but...”

“Trimming is fine, but I would rather you not shave it all,” He nodded, then nudged your thighs apart with his muzzle. “Don’t be shy, now.” When you snorted in indignant laughter was when his broad, flat tongue lapped at you. He seemed to find your startled squeak encouraging, and he lifted you by your ass with both hands.

You lifted a hand to bite your knuckles as he gently explored your folds, paying as much attention to your labia as you had to his ridges. Your breath came sharper and faster, and you tilted your hps more towards him. He purred, soft thrumming that seemed to reverberate through you. He leaned back a little to get a better angle for finding your clit. You gasped when he did, tongue flicking over the tiny nub of nerves.

“Hard or soft?”

“Nnh?” You weren’t exactly all there right at that moment.

“Do you prefer gentle or firm pressure?” Asgore smirked up at you, clearly pleased with himself.

“Hard’n fast...” You mumbled, trying to pull his head back down. Asgore’s smirk turned devious.

“What was that?” He asked sweetly. “You’ll have to speak up if you--”

“Said hard and fast,” you growled, glaring down at him and looping one leg over his shoulder demandingly.

“Oooh, hard and fast...” He nodded slowly. You tugged at his hair.

“Asgore--”

He took the hint and got back to tasting you. His tongue was softer than you preferred, but he knew better than to try thrusting it into you. A delicate scrape of teeth had you shivering and squirming, head back against the door and a whine escaping you.

“Did you need something?” His smirk returned, though he kept you from pulling at his hair again with lazy laps that kept you just off the edge of focus.

“Fingers?”

“Think you can take two?” He purred, squeezing your ass as you puzzled through it.

“Wanna try,” You grinned down at him this time. He chuckled, slipping a single finger into you. He took his time, watching your face to be sure he didn’t hurt you. Your eyes closed, a grunt stealing your breath as the soft-furred digit slid easily inside you. It was about as thick as two of your fingers, and if you hadn’t been so thoroughly focused on his fingering and--

Any train of thought you might have held collapsed when he replaced his tongue with his thumb, rubbing firm, fast circles against your clit.

“Fuck!”

“Well, that _was_ the general idea, yes.”

You mustered a glare and grumbled something not entirely coherent at him. He snickered softly, leaning up to nuzzle and kiss his way up your... oh, right, that corset was in the way. After a moment of that he grumbled, sat you down, and withdrew entirely. “Hey--!”

“Hold on, little miss impatient,” He snorted at you, stripping off his underwear, sitting against the door, and settling you in his lap. “I have a better idea.”

You continued to grumble until he got completely settled, thick cock between your legs, your folds against the ridges along the top of his cock. “... ooooh.” You nodded in understanding, taking hold of him to position him a little better. He moaned softly, thrusting between your thighs.

“Better?”

You nodded, head settling back against his chest. “Much...”

He chuckled in your ear, his hand closing over yours to keep him in place and provide that extra bit of stimulation for him. You shivered, reaching back to dig your fingers into his hair, helping you balance so you could slowly grind against him, the ridges hitting everything at not quite the perfect angle. You shifted your hips a little, and Asgore’s free hand moved to your hip, squeezing and steadying you. You leaned back against him, sucking in a shuddering breath and whining at him. You could feel your sensitivity being magically enhanced already, but he seemed more intent on keeping you from falling than on what you were busy doing to his dick. You slid down against the base, grinding from side to side against his knot until he whined back at you.

“Needy!”

“Yeah!” You smirked when both his hands went to your hips, directing your efforts now. You cupped his head in one hand, smoothing his pre and your own lubrication over him to make sure he was getting just the right amount of friction.

He growled above you, grumbling something incoherent but pleased-sounding, hips bucking against you. You were close, and he must be too...

At some point, he stripped off the remains of your clothes and his dress, leaving him in stockings and garter belt when he crawled over you into the giant _nest_ he claimed was a bed. Most of the rest of the night you remembered in bits and snatches of soft fur, sharp teeth, and a cock dragged between your folds. It was good, overwhelmingly good, and waking in the morning to happy purring was something you hoped would happen often in the future.


	22. Interlude: Naptime

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Minor edit to make the circumstances of this chapter a bit more clear.

You stared at your steering wheel like it held the answers to why everything felt so much more overwhelming after you told someone about it. Your meeting with this therapist had gone well, you seemed to get on well enough, but opening up was like pulling teeth for you. And because this had been willingly, deliberately, instead of a late-night feels session... It was hard to focus. You had to have been sitting in your car staring at the dash for ten minutes, but everything was so fuzzy...

A soft tap at the passenger side window interrupted your thoughts and made you jump a good foot in your seat. You managed to force your eyes to focus enough that you could tell it was Sans peering in at you, eyelights dim. He waved a little and tugged at the handle of the door. It took a second tug and tap for you to get it together enough to unlock the doors. He climbed in and settled into the seat, eyes still focused on you, his permanent smile more of a grimace. You returned the stare blankly, unable to pull together a coherent enough thought to start.

“that bad, huh?”

You shrugged.

His eyesockets narrowed at you as the silence stretched on. “okay buddy... tell me five things you can see.”

You started to point at him.

“nope. t e l l. use your words.”

You groaned and blew a rather wet-sounding raspberry at him. He snickered at your efforts. “You.”

He held up one finger.

“Um...” You looked around hesitantly, head moving slowly as you struggled to focus. “My keys?” A nod. “The mirror. The office,” you chewed your lower lip for a moment, thinking. “The wheel?”

“good job. four things you can touch.”

You leaned over to squeeze his hood, feeling the furry inside. He snorted, almost flinching away from your hand. “Your jacket.” You dropped his hood to rub your pants. “My pants, the dashboard...” you patted that too, “Mmm... the carpet?” You dragged your shoe against it.

“good enough. what’s next?”

“Hearing.”

“okay. three sounds you hear.”

“A skeleton who thinks he’s funny,” you grinned a little, voice growing less hesitant and tight.

“hey now, I’m pretty humerus.”

You snorted. “the traffic, and that kid back there pitching a fit.”

“good. smell or taste?”

“Taste. There’s candy in the glove box?”

He opened it, digging through the packages inside and dropping two candies - mint and root beer - into your hand. You opened the mint first.

“and smell?”

You stared at him for a moment, before letting loose a staggeringly loud fart. For a moment, Sans just stared at you with a slack jaw.

“____! what the hell?” To your amazement, his grin twisted into a gagging motion and he scrambled for the door handle. “did something crawl up that toxic waste dump you call an ass and die?” Finally opening the door, he nearly dove out and slammed it shut on your reply.

“Nah,” you grinned, before evacuating the car yourself, snickering wildly even as you waved a hand in front of your nose. “Just had White Castle for dinner.”

“oh my god. just declare war on his majesty already if you’re going to eat the entire castle. or at least stop turning it into your personal compost heap.”

You snickered louder, leaning against the car for support. “Oh like he doesn’t help!”

“okay buddy. I think you’re in desperate need of a nap if that corny joke flew over your head.”

“Something something monkeys and poo?”

Sans groaned, coming around the car to grab your arm. “naptime is nowtime. c’mon, I know a fast shortcut.”

* * *

“Sans, why does the couch smell as if Frisk had a terrible case of diarrhea?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaay, that technique Sans used on ____, to help her stop disassociating? That's an actual thing. It's called 'checking in,' and it's _really_ helpful. 
> 
> [Here's a few more fart jokes](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CCtiQTQQ7QA), and remember, you can find more Monster Hell stuff at [Welcome to Monster Hell](http://welcometomonsterhell.tumblr.com)!


	23. Establishment: A Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time passes.

Toriel peered at the two of you and smiled. “____! ****! You’re very early, but I suppose that is a good thing. Please,” she stepped aside, “come in!”

Inside, the living and dining rooms were decorated for the little party, with streamers and banners set up, a table groaning under the weight of all the food, and the couch rearranged to act as a wall for a blanket fort that had a good view of the entire party area. A banner across it declared it ‘Fort Quiet’ and promised repercussions for anyone disrupting said quiet.

You grinned, herding your brother inside. “Holy sh-wow, Toriel, this is amazing! You really know how to do the whole party thing, huh?” Every time you glanced around you spotted another little detail.

Toriel smiled. “I had a very good teacher, that’s all.”

“Oh yeah?” You clasped your hands behind your back as your brother went to investigate further.

“Yes-- ah, ****, the snacks are labeled with any allergens they contain. The ones with pink and blue starbursts are monster foods, though, so do try to balance what you pick.” With that warning delivered, she turned to grin a fangy grin at you. “I don’t think they would appreciate this sort of party, though. Too much clothing and not _nearly_ enough fur rugs, pillows, or candles.”

Your jaw dropped.

Toriel’s grin stretched wider. “Not to mention the lack of serving boys and tattooed female guard-- oh, no, you’re here. I suppose you count. And I could probably convince Sans...” She tapped a finger against her lips, eyes narrowing.

“This is not a munch!” You squeaked.

Toriel snickered. “Of course not, dear, you’re just easy to tease. This was several hundred years ago, standards were different.”

You stared at her, expression torn between shock and admiration. “T-Tori! You _troll_ , that was _amazing_!” You clasped your hands in front of your chest, eyes sparkling as you grinned back at her.

**** returned with a plate piled high with goodies and his eyebrows trying to re-join his hairline. “Dare I ask?”

“You’re going to have _so_ much fun working with her! She’s a bigger troll than I am,” you bounced in place. A thunderous knock at the door made you let out a little shriek, though, barely catching yourself from falling as you missed your footing.

Your brother shrieked and jumped, eyes widening and turning to the door. “Are parties illegal now, officer?!”

Toriel grabbed your arm anyways, laughing a little and patting your back. “There, there, I’m sure it’s just Papyrus...” Toriel reassured you both.

As it turned out, it was, bearing a massive container of spaghetti -- “UNDYNE-CERTIFIED AS SAFE FOR REGULAR HUMAN CONSUMPTION!” -- and a medium-sized gift box that was quickly deposited in ****’s hands.

Your brother stared for a moment, dumbfounded, before a larger, lazily wrapped package was deposited in his arms. Sans winked at the both of you. “so Tori probably forgot to mention this little tradition, but whenever somebody joins the family, it’s kind of like a little birthday. not everybody’s gonna bring presents, but the immediate family will.”

"... Yeah, I daresay it slipped her mind because I'm about to cry..." He wasn't kidding either. His eyes had glossed with tears.

"WHA-- ****, DON'T CRY! EVERYTHING IS ALRIGHT!" Papyrus patted his back, eyes goggling with worry.

Toriel held a hand out. "There, there, it's alright. We can put them in one of the spare bedrooms for now if you'd like. That's where my gift is."

"Papyrusit'sokayit'sahappycry- um, y-yes please..." He'd suddenly gone rather quiet. That typically meant actual weeping wasn't far away. So you got an arm around him and helped usher him into a small, quiet spare bedroom. Sitting on a desk was a large wicker basket full of yarn, needles, and other knitting notions.

The party passed in a blur. Well-wishers practically came out of the woodwork despite Toriel’s efforts to keep the party small and not terribly overwhelming. You couldn’t really fault them - hope was _good_ for monsters after all - but it was irritating to watch the guest of honor be so very overwhelmed.

It turned out to be a very good thing that Frisk and Mettaton were both excellent at stealing the spotlight.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah I might have gotten stuck on this chapter for, y'know, over a year.  
> So have it in all its meh-ness. Let's see if I can pull some other material together and continue the story proper.


	24. Walk Before Crawling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A N G R Y

{ _Flashback_ }

You turned off the TV and threw the remote across your apartment, not giving a whit when it crashed into the wall you shared with your neighbors loudly. Your brother was finally back, after having been missing for a year, and... and everyone was still acting like he was Sarah. Sarah, you knew, had died a long time ago. Before you’d even met the giant goober who had become your best friend and then vanished off the face of the earth.

He was back, and while you knew the real story... well, you weren’t going to tell anyone... Fuming wasn’t helping. You grabbed and filled your watering can and stormed out onto your balcony to start watering your plants. Taking care of your babies always helped you feel more alive, in better ways than anger did.

You were rather surprised to see one of your neighbors - the hot fish lady - was also out on her balcony, and peering across to yours with an expression you could almost take for concern. You gave her a curt wave and blatantly fake smile before starting to water your plants.

“Oi, everything okay over there? It sounded like you threw something pretty hard,” She was _loud_ , but that was very real concern in her voice. You took a deep breath and set your watering can down, leaning on the railing closest to her.

“... I’m okay. News just isn’t agreeing with me.”

“What part?” Fish lady’s usual aggressive grin returned. “The part where the US can’t get its shit together, or the part where--”

“... They keep misgendering my brother.”

“They keep what now?” Her expression turned sharp and concerned.

“... He was missing for a year, and everybody’s acting like he was, I dunno, fucking brainwashed into his gender identity or some equally stupid bullshit...” Your hands tightened on the railing and you looked away.

She paused, looking you up and down.

“Need to hit something?”

“Gods, yes.”

She grinned widely. “Meet me downstairs in ten. Bring your gear if you’ve got any.”

Ten minutes later you were downstairs, hair pulled back - you really needed to cut it again - staff in hand, and ready to go. Fish lady nodded approvingly and held out a hand. You gave it a firm shake.

“Don’t know if you remember, but I’m Undyne Dreemurr.”

“____ Gaster,” You both did double-takes at each other, eyebrows raising. “Wait, you’re the captain of the royal guard?!”

She laughed, slapping your back hard enough to make you stumble. “The one and only! I just can’t believe there’s a human branch of the Gasters,” She shook her head. “Alphys’s gonna get a kick out of this.”

{ _End Flashback_ }

Now, it was back to exactly that sort of session - raw, physical sparring. Not because you didn’t want to learn how to do magic as soon as possible - that was, you were certain, a big deal as far as becoming a royal guard - but because you weren’t sure you trusted yourself around magic today.

Your frustrations were boiling over, and you knew it, but you couldn’t not practice. You couldn’t just take it out on the Dummies, either - they’re just as alive as many other things that didn’t used to be - and you really did need to hit something that could fight back. Drawing wasn’t helping. Knitting? Forget it. Even a good swim or weight session wasn’t taking the edge off of this bubbling frustration and anxiety and--

\-- and you can’t concentrate and --

Undyne can Tell, as she demonstrated when she clapped you one with the targets. “You’re wide open. What’s going on?”

You let out a slow, ragged breath. Your chest was tight - all this adrenaline had your body confused - and the edges of your vision were white. Things weren’t brighter at least, but... You shook your head slowly, taking a moment just to breathe, slowly tensing and untensing your body.

Undyne paused and put her hands on her hips. “That’s fine. Take ten. If this is gonna keep going like this, though, I’ll need to go get my armor, yeah?”

She came up from the hunch she uses during target practice and you could see the points where there’s just a little bit of discontinuity. Not much, but you’d clearly been doing _actual_ damage.

You nodded, taking a few steps back before inelegantly dropping onto your rear. Though you landed with a thump, it was a controlled enough fall you weren’t hurt. “Sorry.” Your voice was a reedy wheeze like you hadn’t been breathing right for quite a while.

“Yeah, I’m getting the armor.” Undyne stepped out of the ring. “Sounds like you need it.”

You couldn’t tell if it was the longest ten minutes of your life or an eyeblink, but the next time you were really aware, Undyne was back in the ring with her armor. The world had narrowed down to the ring and your need to fight or flee. Unfortunately, you can’t run away from yourself. You’re always along for the ride. And fighting Undyne wouldn’t really be fighting yourself either, but sufficiently-padded gloves and carefully-crafted Tem-patent-pending plating would keep either of you from taking serious damage.

“Stay with me, keep your swings careful.”

It took you much too long to process that. The words didn’t want to register. But you nodded once they did, trying to at least keep your guard up. It’s harder to aim, your peripheral vision was just _gone_ , but your hearing was... mostly working.

Undyne wasn’t all that frustrated, despite the fact that you didn’t seem to be taking her advice that well. “Better, but you’re still open. Here.” She aimed the targets low and close-in.

You almost growled under your breath. She might not be frustrated, but you _were_. Still, what she was doing was forcing you to concentrate more, and you trusted her to pull back if you slipped up too hard. Which meant you couldn’t keep slipping up. Your volley of reverse punches started to go wild and she backed up to reset. “Careful. You were throwing yourself off-balance. Remember to breathe out.”

You forced a lungful of air out in another thin wheeze. Your lungs already felt empty, how could she talk about breathing out? The next breath in followed hard on the breath out’s heels.

“Better. Strike.”

You did better on the next try. Undyne, by then, had seen enough to put the targets into a rhythm that made you breathe with the swings. You didn’t even notice when they slowed or sped up, until it was exhaustion that left your gloves down, not distraction.

“That’s enough for this set. Take two.” Undyne rolled her shoulders a little-- even with the armor, she took a bit of damage from that session. “What’s going on? You haven’t been that bad since you threw the remote.”

You didn’t have to sit down this time, at least, though you took a moment to stretch as well. It took a good moment for you to gather your thoughts enough to put words together. “I... don’t like thinking about... about things that I can’t change and won’t get better. And I’m doing a lot of that.”

“Last night was a bit much, huh?” Undyne said, flashing her toothy grin. “Yeah, I guess I can see that. Alphys is kind of the same way, and it’s not like you can throw the entire kingdom out!”

“An’ when we got home we were rattling around in each other’s space.” You nodded slowly. “And everything’s due that week around the first of the month, and...”

Undyne nodded along, and held up a still-padded hand. “And it all gets into a lot of other problems after that. I’ve kind of wondered about the apartments, to be honest. You guys have so much _space_ up here, you know?”

You tilted your head at her questioningly, not able to follow this new train of thought very far yet.

“I dunno, I figured that once we got out of the Underground, we’d… Have all the space we wanted, up here. The open sky! The stars! Space to, I dunno, throw spears at the ground and cut open fields, or whatever.” Undyne’s usual animated hands and gestures stopped short of trying that last bit.

You felt a dark chuckle bubble up. “And then it turns out all of us idiots up here spread out so much we cram as many people as we can into little bitty spaces, as many as’ll fit under one roof if you don’t have riches that would make Chthon shit his britches.”

“It’s a heck of a situation. Getting crammed together like that was part of the problem in the Underground.”

You nodded. “... Y’know how I don’t like yelling unless I’m used to the person yelling?”

“Some of it,” Undyne said. “I’m really not an expert when it comes to humans.”

“Not many humans are, either,” you shot back. “Point is, ah... yelling, loud noises, being around people who won’t back off... sets off a bunch of memories. Wasn’t fun.”

“Reminds me of why Gerson hung up the hammer.” She put her hands behind her head. “In monsters, the memories start stacking up. The grief can get pretty bad.”

You paused and nodded. “Not exactly, but close enough, yeah. Sudden loud noises and someone all up in my face meant Trouble until I moved out on my own.”

Undyne nodded, rubbed her hands together, and got the pads back on. “Good talk so far. Ready for another round?”

You cracked your knuckles and grinned.

* * *

A few days later, you finally managed to pin Sans down for a conversation he had been skillfully avoiding. You came prepared for it, with your own basket of knitting goods and a healthy dose of determination. You both needed to have this conversation, and if you had to semi-literally tie him down for it, you would.

“Hey lazybones, hold your hands out like this,” you held your hands out, fingers up and palms facing each other, about a foot apart.

If Sans had had an eyebrow to raise, you had a feeling it would have been hovering somewhere above his head. “okay...?” He did so, still staring at you with a bemused grin.

You plopped a loose skein of yarn over his hands, grabbed an empty paper towel roll, and began to roll yourself a yarn ball.

“... s’this all I gotta do?”

“Yup.”

“cool.”

You worked in silence for a few moments, letting the skein get good and draped over his bones. It was soft, bright red yarn. Practically roving, really. “Playing with a concept here. Red yarn’s used for bindings and protection, and I’m not half-bad at stitch witchery.”

“oh, so it’s time for the _fancy_ yarn. i can get behind that.”

“You get behind a lot of things. Most of them Toriel-related.” You allowed the deflection for a moment. Perhaps easing him into it would help.

“speaking of, i’m really behind on my knock-knock jokes,” Sans continued. “in fact got a pretty great one i could practice, but i never really got the hang of it.”

“Oh yeah?” You continued to wind the yarn in smooth, steady motions. You couldn’t go fast with this, for fear of causing it to tear apart. You’d grabbed it because it would help you pace the conversation.

“oh yeah. see the thing is that it’s supposed to be pretty great, but the other person has to start it.”

You glanced up at him, holding eye contact for a moment. You knew he didn’t want to talk, but this was a bit far.

But two could play at that game. “Knock, knock.”

“who’s there?”

“Is,” you managed not to grin. He was sure to immediately spot it, but he was also already bound to the spot.

His expression changed briefly from his habitual grin to a slightly more suspicious grin. “... is who?”

“Open up, it’s your issues,” you grinned to soften the snark, but didn’t try to soften the comment itself.

“oh, hey guys, you finally got that royal warrant, huh.” Sans paused and figured he’d better not gild the lily just yet.

“Oh, I’m tempted. I know Asgore’s got a stock of colored paper somewhere.” You kept going. “But, no, no, just a decree from our _boss_ that it’s about time I start learning magic, and there’s only one person around who could effectively teach me.”

_you’ve gotta be bagging my groceries._ Sans’s expression continued to droop from his usual toothy grin. Not just by the usual signs of looking down, actually _droop_ , like his jaw and cheekbones didn’t want to stay upright and firm. “i dunno. that sounds like a hell of a time. you’re sure Undyne can’t get you over?”

_what the everloving fucknuggets?_ Your eyes widened in shock at the sudden... _flexibility_ of his anatomy. You were fairly certain that wasn’t supposed to happen. “Uh. Sans... You’re. uh.”

He blinked, but couldn’t exactly reach for his face, given that you’d wrapped a lot of near-roving on his arms. “oh uh, that’s normal, i haven’t been drinking my milk lately.” It’s clearly an effort of will to get his face back to something resembling what it was twenty seconds ago.

You stared him down, letting your expression show just how far that lie flew. You carefully, gently, sat the roll and the yarn down, and took his hands, holding them gently. While you were tempted to hug him - and you could feel that bleeding through to him - you didn’t want to overstep any further than you already were. “Sans, she doesn’t want me to learn about the, the thing. Just basic magic, the sort monsters use to say hello.”

“the thing. that’s, super descriptive,” Sans said, though he immediately recognized what you were talking about - the image of you, with a burning left eye. The hallway with a desperate battle, stalling for time. “i mean, i can net anyone one-way tickets to the bone zone, and gravity tricks are pretty fun.”

You snorted. “I thought you said the bone zone’s closed. Tori change her mind?” You managed to reign in your grin. “I know, I know. But Pap and I don’t click the right way for me to get what he’s trying to teach. Just get frustrated with each other.”

“... all right, then.” Sans nods. “uh, tibia honest with you, probably can’t do the first session while you’re standing there holding my hands and not knitting.”

“Point taken.” You gave his hands the gentlest of squeezes, then withdrew, untangling his bones and the near-roving, setting it aside.

Sans rubbed his arms, from how they’d been tangled up. He stared at his left hand, and slowly closed it into a fist. “let’s get down to bare bones, then.”

You felt Sans’s sins crawling up your back. It wasn’t nearly as fun as when Asgore’s did.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And quick on the heels of shitty hell-chapter, we have a different kind of housekeeping chapter.
> 
> Don't expect daily updates to be a regular thing, this one just was basically written already.


	25. Try Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Chapter Where You Fight Sans (this is that chapter)

“____!” Frisk barreled towards you, chanting your name gleefully. You side-stepped and scooped them up, letting your combined momentum spin the both of you around as you lifted them up.

“Hey kiddo,” You smiled at them, setting them back down. “What’s got you all excited?”

“One month ‘til Halloween!” They practically vibrated, peering up at you through their mop of hair.

“Lookin’ forward to trying to tell who’s a monster and who’s human?” You hazarded a guess.

“Yeah! Will you take me?”

“ _Me_?”

“Yeah! Mom an’ Dad-gore gotta stay at home because they’re gonna get lots of trick-or-treaters, and Dad doesn’t wanna take me by himself. And you’re totally gonna have an awesome costume and so’s **** so!” They put on their best kicked puppy expression.

“We, uh, we kinda had plans, Frisk,” you plowed on despite their disappointed expression. “For me an’ ****, Halloween’s basically New Year’s Eve.”

“... So you’re gonna have a party instead?” They tilted their head.

“... More like we’re gonna have a bonfire way up Mt. Ebott and burn an effigy, say some prayers. I’m probably getting soused, do some fire leaping.”

“Fire leaping?”

“Yeah, where you jump over the fire. Burns off the bad luck and loose ends from the past year.”

“Oooh...” You saw the question in their eyes before they said it. “Could we come?”

“Well, I mean, if your parents okay it, I don’t see why not, but you’re not leaping until that fire’s practically embers, and I can tell ya you’ll be asleep long before that.”

“YES!” They actually leaped up, fist pumping in the air.

You gave them the hairy eyeball for a long moment, then rolled your eyes. “I _suppose_ , if we’re done before say... nine... and you won’t be too tired for a hike after... I could take you trick-or-treating first. But!” You cut them off before they could celebrate further, “You’re gonna have to spend the week before helping us set up, and you’re gonna have to get all three parental units to sign my note detailing exactly what we’re gonna get up to. And I can’t promise ****’ll come trick-or-treating.”

“Thankyouthankyouthankyou!” You had an over-enthusiastic child hugging you almost painfully tight before dashing off. Ah, to be young and full of energy again.

* * *

“... How did we get roped into this, again?” You watched Frisk thumbing through a catalog of this year’s most popular costumes. Once they had an idea of what they wanted to be, you and Sans would be dropping them off with Toriel and heading up to the the campsite to start working on training. Sans wasn’t entirely pleased by the location, but had agreed it would be better to start working somewhere private in case of a misfire.

“i dunno, i did the smart thing and told them i wasn’t taking them by myself.” He shrugged at you.

“ _I_ was sure Toriel was gonna nix them being within ten feet of a bonfire bigger than them.” You shook your head slowly.

“... nah toriel runs pretty hot. never seen her do magic?”

“Nope.”

“fire magic. she’ll probably show up for about five minutes and do something to make it burn at body temperature. be like sticking your hand in warm jelly.”

“Well there goes half the fun.” You snorted.

“and here i thought your anime fix was bad.”

“I don’t judge _your_ life choices,” you rolled your eyes.

“i don’t so much have _life choices_ as a jumble of awful ideas shaken together in a box and drawn at random.”

“Yeah we’ve got a club for that, t-shirts and everything. Got any combination of weird, explanation-less stains you can think of,” You started to twirl your finger in mock celebration, but Frisk held up the catalog with a shout before you could complete the gesture. “There’s our cue.”

Twenty minutes and a sloppy kid-kiss from Frisk to Sans later, your van was trundling up the mountain. The silence wibbled and wobbled between comfortable and oppressive. Your music was almost too faint to pick up as you’d turned it down earlier to avoid any lectures from Toriel on exposing Frisk to such materials, and you weren’t quite sure Sans would appreciate you turning it back up.

“hey is this a jojo reference”

“Mm?” You tilted your head, then gave up and turned the music up enough you could actually make out the lyrics.

[‘A fire inside becomes alive and screams a battle cry!’](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZ3gFlg6IDs) { !! Hyperacusis Warning !! }

“Oh, nah. The JoJo reference is hovering over your shoulder,” you couldn’t help grinning. “That’s a fan cover of the Black Rock Shooter theme.”

Sans actually turned to the passenger-side window and was spinning a femur in one hand when he realized that, no, no, there was, in fact, nothing there. “so this is the part where you run away, right?”

“Well, no, I’m rather fond of having a functional vehicle.” Practically on-cue, you hit the cul-de-sac that marked the end of the road, only a quarter of the way up the mountain. You pulled around carefully and parked, got everything situated, got out, and closed the door, then waved. “Now I run.”

“can if you want.” Sans proceeded to unpack the back of the hell-van.

You chuckled, coming over to grab the greater bulk of the items. There wasn't much to set up, yet. A few signs, colorful plastic strips for trail marking, a blanket, and lunch. “Lunch or working up a sweat first?”

“well if you build magic and strength as bad as I do, we’ll wanna do it after to encourage healing.”

“That bad, huh?” you shrugged. “I dunno, actually. I mostly work with plants.” you paused, putting a hand on one of the trees. “Like, okay. I can do this, and I'm just telling the magic the tree produces what to do.” you moved your hand and the bark split neatly open, a tiny tap forming from the bark. A bare trickle of maple sap began to drip out. You caught it on a finger before smoothing the bark back into place. “Not really good for the tree this time of year.”

Sans stood there for a moment, not entirely sure what to say to that sudden, startling display of raw competence.

“... What?”

“i’m just amazed at humans, yet again. i thought the last time i was amazed by a human would be the last time and yet here we are, with you working in a warehouse getting professionally fucked up the ass instead of. you know, actually doing things for people.”

You paused and took a moment to mentally recalibrate as well. “You don’t... you don’t really see it here in Ebott because the protesters are too damn scared to come but...” You licked the sap up, picking through how to phrase this. “People are terrified of magic. Anywhere else, I wouldn’t even show _Asgore_ I can do that because... People react _so violently_ when they’re faced with something they don’t understand. I’m a witch, I made a deal with the devil, or a _bergentrückung_ , or an _erlköni_ \--”

“-- i get it. i get that it’s full of _shit_ , but i get it.”

You took a deep breath and nodded. “Yeah. It’s bullshit, but a lot of them really believe it. And they react to that perceived existential threat. Even here, where at least half the human population are witches, we can’t be open about it because what if someone outside finds out? The company might pressure our store to find a way to fire us, or if we visit family elsewhere...” You shuddered just at the thought.

“look uh-- it’s probably a bad idea to go spreading that around to monsters, ok? the lie part i mean. like. not without pointing out it’s a damn lie, anyway.”

“... Yeah. I get that, it’s... it’s not even statistics.”

Sans nodded, then looked down and away for a minute. “are there statistics, though? i mean i can understand why those elements wouldn’t bother to study that, but knowing if it’s a matter of descent would be important, wouldn’t it?”

You snorted. “There are, actually. I mean obviously it’s all self-reported, but there’s a census that you can get comparative statistics from, and there’s also surveys within the community of varying levels of usability.” You tapped your chin thoughtfully. “There is some overlap between witches and people who worship demons or call upon them, but it’s by no means a complete overlap and in many cases it’s a misunderstanding or from those elements labeling religions or regional legends not their own as heretical or demonic and that label sticking around.”

“yeah that’s part of what i thought-- self-fulfilling prophecies. are there other identifiers that are a closer fit, though? it’d be really stupid if you’re ignoring a bunch of other stuff-- though uh. that was a quick reply.”

“Well, I mean, it’s an interesting subject, and being able to pull a bunch of studies out of your ass online can shut down unproductive arguments pretty fast. Especially when you’re citing yourself for the gathering. But... I identify as a witch. Hedgewitch, stitchwitch...”

“uh wow could we throttle down a little, i haven’t been drowning this bad since Alphys found out there was a mew mew kissy cutie three.”

You nodded sheepishly. “Right, uh. I took a couple sociology and psychology classes back in college, did pretty well with them. Being able to utterly shut someone down with a mountain of evidence to the contrary is useful, so I try to write a summary paper or three every year to slap down. Keep ‘em all on a blog so I can cite ‘em easily.”

“that is.” Were those stars somewhere in those big ole eyesockets? “that is super impressive and i am amazed that there’s no job openings for ‘i can synthesize all these bits of research together and hand them to you’.”

“T-thanks. There kinda are, if I’m willing to do it full time for free for y’know, a year or three. On top of somehow paying all my bills.” You found yourself blushing a little. You nodded at a large rock at the edge of the rough path you’d been following. “And turn off here. Hopefully  nobody’s staked this one out yet.”

“so people come here pretty often?” Sans asked. He was spinning a summoned femur in the hand away from you, just to make sure he wouldn’t hit you.

“About... six-ish times a year?” You started to tick them off on your fingers. “Summer and winter solstices, spring and fall equinoxes, and then fourth of July used to be really popular, and most people kinda make it out to the base at least once a year for a camping or fishing trip.” You tried not to watch the femur out of the corner of your eye. Luckily enough, no one had claimed the spot, so you set the picnic basket and blanket down, and got to work tying off bright plastic strips around the trees to signal that this clearing was now taken.

You weren’t entirely sure why it was that Sans felt the need to work with a femur before starting, but he was doing it, swinging it directly at first, then letting it float a few inches from the not-palm of his hand. Once you got the streamers tied, you came over to watch, a soft frown of concentration screwing your face up. You reached into a pocket and pulled out a bandana to tie your hair back with, making sure it wouldn’t get in the way, then shrugged out of your jacket. Fighting would keep you warm enough.

The stars in his eyes were long faded when he looked up in realization. “oh i get it now. okay so what i’m doing here is uh-- i’m kinda outta shape so i gotta rattle up my bones before i start really doing magic. usually i use locally sourced farmer’s market fossils but if you can’t afford that store bought is fine.”

It took you a moment to decide he was being genuine rather than messing with you. “Oh! So, kind of like how I use a staff to focus my shield rather than letting it go all wibbly-wobbly?”

Sans nodded. “i mean good luck with wibbling or whatever but, uh, i can summon up-- uh, create, really-- these bones and junk but my real forte’s been in object motion.”

“Remind me to introduce you to Doctor Who, you’ll love it. More memes than you can shake a femur at.” You grinned, looking around until you found a suitable stick. Best to ease into it, and you didn’t need the particularly long ones to generate a sufficient shield anymore.

“but uh yeah i do object motion thusly--” he waved a hand and the boulder behind you barely even wobbled. “uh, _thusly_ \--” yep that was definitely a complete failure to move a boulder.

“Good job, Garion,” you started to tease him.

“eh, screw it,” he muttered under his breath at the same time as you started, and then you went flying. “ _thusly_.”

You yelped in surprise. Okay, Papyrus had messed with gravity before, but having it go sideways was new. You managed to get your feet pointing ‘down’ in time to land on a tree trunk properly, and stared for a heartbeat before jumping back to earth. “ _Well_ then.”

Sans shrugged like a magician revealing the end of the trick, and suddenly bones appeared all around him in a circle. Tenuous, semi-transparent, but there. “sorry if that was a little heavy! was still thinking ‘boulder’.”

You trudged over. One thing about fighting with Papyrus regularly was that the feeling of increased gravity wasn’t horrible to shrug off. “S’alright, no harm done.” You watched him. “Okay, so, fair warning. I’m pretty good at knocking them away without aiming them back at you, but I’ve had it go wild a couple times. Hope you can dodge as well as you can aim.” The stick you were using was just long enough to effectively twirl, but when you pulled up your shield - another thing you’d gotten used to doing in different ‘modes’ - it extended quite a bit further than the stick did.

“eh, i’ll be fine.”

It took a few rounds for both of you to feel each other out. Sans wasn’t trying particularly hard to overwhelm you, and you were - unsuccessfully - working at at doing what he was doing, while avoiding hitting anything even in his general vicinity. Your rising frustration at not being able to quite grasp the technique was showing.

Sans let out a long-suffering sigh. “welp no doubt about it you were absolutely trained by undyne the natural.”

“... Buh?”

“you’re not using the right material. her moms could teach okay but undyne just. she’s so used to just doing things she can’t teach you how to make a start of it and being gung-ho kinda bites her in the ass. worse you’re assuming that combat’s kind of the same as your normal magic. that’s not _wrong,_ but you can’t manipulate your own magic like you’re coaxing someone else’s.”

“Wait, her moms?”

“not the time. let me just try to, uh. no that’s no good, let’s see--”

“So basically step one is I need some kind of bone focus?” You grumbled under your breath and sat down for a moment, reaching down to pet at the grass. You were careful not to coax it to further growth; at this time of year it’d just make bald patches for next year.

“sorrrrt of? technically i’m using my own ankles for it.” … Was he taking the piss or not?

You stared at him for a long moment, tilting your head first one way, then the other, then shook it. “Talk me through it, I’m not quite following.”

Sans paused and leaned back for a moment, then nodded. “how about we try and show you?”

“Sure?” You tilted your head at him, arms still over your knees comfortably. He offered you a hand up, and you hesitantly accepted. As you stood up, Sans summoned a nice bone, slowly, just to make sure you knew what he was talking about. He had, of course, been taking the piss a little when he’d said his focus was his ankles. It was, in fact, his left humerus. You weren’t sure whether to consider that expected, or annoying. Probably both. Strange as it was to feel him use magic through your bond, you were much better able to follow what he was doing this time. He was right that it was both similar and yet completely different, but now that you knew what to reach for--

At first, what you summoned looked like your unassisted shield, a hemisphere of green energy, but as you tried to repeat what he’d done, it split into two, then slowly further and further, making little openings in the semisolid magic. A harder push and it finally clicked. Well, cracked. Two faintly-greenish, skeletal hands hovered before you, cracking their knuckles. You were only slightly surprised; you worked with your hands often enough it just made sense to you that you’d _keep_ using your hands.

Sans, on the other hand, took a step back, his eye sockets wide. You heard a rattle, and looking down, you saw his tailbone had dropped out of his pants. And then the rest of him began to fall shortly after. You grabbed him before he could hit the ground, bruising up one of your knees for your trouble as you went down hard so he wouldn’t. For a heartbeat, two, three, you just stared down at him in shock.

“Sans? Uh, buddy?” When even a light shake didn’t rouse him, you fumbled for your jacket and phone, carefully dialing Toriel’s number.

“So, uh, Toriel? Yeah, sorry, I know you’re busy but uh-- What, what’s the best way to rouse a fainted skeleton?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excited Frisk is best Frisk, yeah or heck yeah?
> 
>  
> 
> [(Achievement unlocked: The Chapter Where You Fight Sans)](http://tludoesart.tumblr.com/post/158568659513/doodle-of-of-mdlimh-as-always-this-is-just)


	26. Doctor Who?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm not even _remotely_ sorry.

“So yeah, that and nearly getting my chest stove in were my weekend. How about yours?” You didn’t lift your head from where you’d dropped it onto Asgore’s chest, taking comfort in the warm fluff you were half buried in.

“That and-- _What_.” Asgore had stopped petting you around the point you’d described your shield splitting. You’d somewhat surprised him out in the gardens, but he’d been more than happy to sprawl out and catch up after a busy... well, technically it was mid-week.

“Your kid turned my life into an anime.” You informed him morosely.

“Well, you... at least you don’t have a ridiculous weapon?” He attempted to coax your face out of his chest.

“That’s because you’ve got it. Rubbing against my stomach.”

He spluttered. “____, please.”

You managed to grin up at him for a moment. “Well I mean. Yeah, fine. Sans came to about halfway back down the mountain and pretty much had a panic attack on me until he realized we were in a moving car and I was driving. Proceeded to lecture me until we got back to Tori’s. Said he wanted me to train just with him until I can consistently ‘not do the freaky hand thing.’ Honestly I’m not even... it’s whatever? But he wouldn’t explain why it was a bad thing so I’m confused.”

“It’s complicated.” Asgore went back to rubbing your back and playing with your hair. The pair of you were sprawled in a sunny spot in the garden. Normally it’d be too cold for you to want to spend an afternoon doing it, but Asgore was more or less a giant, snuggly heater. And had probably suggested it specifically to get you to snuggle into him shamelessly. “I’m afraid I don’t recall all the details, partly because they flew so far over my head I’m surprised I retained any of it at all.”

“Mm?” You looked up at him, reaching up to trail your fingers through his beard.

“Magic is a form of communication, and all I ever heard of the matter was-- Oh, how did it go…? ‘Beware the one who speaks in hands,’ perhaps. The same could be said of Toriel and I, of course, but...”

“But?”

“But the royal scientist before Alphys was... something else. She was a royal guard to another family, how she managed to get inside the barrier is a mystery, but it showed in every invention she came up with. Alphys continued her research, but barely touched on the principles Dr. Gaster did.”

“Wait, Dr. Gaster? Seriously?” You stared at him with wide eyes. Every monster who’d learned your family name had reacted strongly to it, it was... interesting to finally know _why_.

“Yes. As I recall, it wasn’t unusual for her to manifest a dozen extra hands to run machines that should’ve taken eight monsters, entirely on her own.”

“... And I’d just shown him a plant manipulation trick. So it’s a... a competency thing?”

“Not exactly, but close enough. Remember, Sans and Papyrus only manifest one kind of bone, usually in specific sequences. To summon and manipulate over a dozen bones, multiple times over, in a specific but manipulable configuration...” Asgore rolled over a little, half-pinning you under his bulk, but getting a hand free to summon a dozen flames in a complicated pattern as a demonstration.

“Even if it seemed simple and obvious to me, I’m doing something I shouldn’t be able to.”

“Yes.”

You squirmed a little under him, until he shifted off of you. The flames dissipated, and he gently pressed the pads of his fingers against your cheek. You leaned up to steal a kiss, earning a content rumble.

“Can you show me?”

“Huh?” Well that wasn’t where you thought things were going to go--

“The plant magic. Can you show me?” He gave you a slightly pleading look.

You sighed noisily and reached back until your hand found the ground. Asgore’s flowers were already blooming, but a few tweaks and nudges made all the buds within about ten feet burst into full bloom, filling the garden with loose petals. While it was tiring - you didn’t want to pull any energy from the plants after coaxing them into a showing like that - the look of pleased awe he gave you made it entirely worth it.

“Yes! That's exactly what I mean. You did that without any preparation whatsoever, without even looking at what you're doing.” He nodded, sitting up and lifting you with him. “How tired are you?”

You looked around. Sure enough, a ten foot area around the pair of you was in full bloom, every blossom facing you, blooming their little hearts out. “Kind of? I don't wanna do it again right away but... Like... Working out with someone who's not Undyne? I'll be good in a bit, especially if we move to somewhere I can leach off of.”

He nodded thoughtfully. “May I be blunt?”

“Go ah, go ahead?” The expression he was making made you nervous.

“That's hot.” he pulled you back against him, fingers gripping the back of your hair and pulling your head back. “ _You're_ hot.” His teeth scraped down your neck, just hard enough to make you whine.

“Asgore! We're in the garden anyone could walk up--”

* * *

Sans: hey alph.  
Sans: what’s ____’s blog?   
Alphys: Uh...... grouchysymptomaticfuck.tumblr.com why?   
Sans: no, her science one.   
Alphys: Oh! gaster-refs.tumblr.com!   
Sans: why does this look familiar?   
Alphys: ... You really need to pay more attention I’ve linked you to it like six times for astronomy squee.

A moment later...

Sans: did you ever finish making that brain bleach.  
Alphys: You went to grouchysymptomaticfuck didn’t you.   
Sans: why.   
Sans: so many things I didn't want to know she was into.   
Alphys: Don't you have a mental bond with her?   
Sans: when i said the bone zone was closed i meant it.   
Alphys: And that stops you from accidentally oversharing how, exactly?   
Sans: very carefully.

* * *

“A-asgore...” You clutched at his shirt, hiding your face.

“See? You’re so quiet no one even noticed.” He purred smugly, moving to lick his fingers.

“We’re not making a habit of this.” You mumbled, squirming around in your uncomfortably wet underwear.

“Is it the garden or being outdoors?”

“It’s being where someone could walk up easily!”

He chuckled. “Well then. What about, say, some sort of camping trip...”

You looked up at him, curious. “Uh... What were you thinking? Because if it’s far enough away from people...”

“Well, it might be fun to go on some sort of trip like that. We’ve been on the surface over a year now and I haven’t taken any kind of vacation...” He purred, drawing designs on your back with a fingertip.

“Oh. Then, yeah, if we’re somewhere where no one’s likely to show up I’m all for doin’ the do in the great outdoors. Maybe throw in some bondage?”

“I like the way you think. We’ll have to bring extra rope.”

“... _Heavy_ rope.”

Asgore hummed contemplatively. “Were you thinking of spending the night?”

“Well I hadn’t been planning on it but after _that_...” You grinned cheekily.

“You should probably get a change of clothing, then.” He reluctantly released you. You sighed.

“I suppooooooose. Don’t want to do the walk of shame.”

“Again.”

“For the third time.”

“I think we’re on fourth, actually.”

“No, no, only third. Technically second, really, since I had a change of clothes for after our date, I just left it in the car.” You smirked slightly. “Since we kind of knew you were going to destroy my pants.”

“I still have those. Trophy.” He smirked right back. “But, thinking about it, I do have a few more things I should attend to. See you at dinner time?”

“Sure.”

* * *

Getting home was nice. Your brother was off in his room taking a computer learning course to get his certifications, which meant you had the living room to yourself. You had just sprawled into your comfy chair when you heard the distant strains of 'Spear of Justice' and immediately scrambled up. NOPE. NOPE NOPE NOPE--

“UNDYNE I SWEAR TO FUCK--” You banged on the door loudly and slammed the doorbell until she opened up. “And just what did you think you were doing.” You gave her the hairiest eyeball you could manage in your emergency skirt and an oversized sweater.

“... How. How do you do that.”

“... You blast that doot! doot-doot-dee-doo-doo! theme every time so loud I can’t hear anything else?”

“WHAT?”

“Y-you owe me a movie night~!” Alphys crowed from the top of the stairs. You managed to give both of them your hairy eyeballs in return.

“ _FUCKING_ SERIOUSLY?! The last time this happened she caught the entire building on--”

_BREEP BREEP BREEP--_

“... I am so done with you.” You whirled, dashing for your apartment to grab what you could. You were in the middle of explaining to your brother when Alphys called up the steps.

“We got it put out, d-d-don’t worry.”

You let out a heavy sigh. “... Did you at least write your results down?”

“What?”

“Alphys. Alphys, sweetie, the difference between science and screwing around is _writing it down_.” You pressed a hand to your face slowly.

“I’ll go do that right now!”

Well, emergency averted, you supposed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While those blogs _do_ exist, they're currently empty because I'm a lazy, lazy author. I'll be adding stuff to them... eventually. For now they're just claimed. You can throw questions to be answered in-character at her if you like.


	27. Isabell?

The short skeleton that walked out into your dining room from what should have been directly behind you was, to say the least, unexpected. Your, and your brother’s, startled shrieks surprised him into chomping right through the breakfast cookie that had been hanging out of his mouth. A blue glow caught it, and his thermos, before they could hit the floor and be ruined, but the three of you still stared at each other in utter shock for several heartbeats.

“Hi Sans!” **** chirped cheerily.

You slowly raised your mug of hot liquid caffeine and pointed at the startled monster with it. “We have a door. It has a doorbell. _Make use of them._ ”

"gotta keep in practice somehow. you know for all that nothin' i'm doin'." Sans grinned at you cheekily before the flaring fire of your wards got through. You watched him pop out of existence, cookie and thermos following, without comment.

_Bingbong! Bingbingbong! Bingbongbingbongbingbong!_

You sighed heavily through your nose and continued preparing your morning tea as though you didn't have a tiny skeleton monster playing merry hell with your doorbell. Honey, cinnamon, a sprinkle of sage so light you couldn't taste it... Once it was ready you grabbed a jacket, waved goodbye to your brother, and... Knocked on your own door.

Blessed relief as the ringing stopped. “who’s there?”

“Isabell.”

You heard the groan through the door. “isabell who?”

“Isabell working?” You opened the door and smirked at him.

He stared at you for a moment before smirking back. “okay, you got me. ready?”

“Well I'm awake and dressed so I guess I must be,” you sipped your tea.

“well i guess all my plans for doing nothing just took off without me then. what do you take for breakfast?” He held his hand out to you.

“Ask me again in an hour when my stomach’s actually awake,” you took his hand. He raised a brow ridge at you, but a half-step took the pair of you into the void again. You seemed to be in there longer than usual before emerging into a set of long-abandoned streets. The stone was faintly purple, and far above you stars twinkled in the... ceiling? “... Are we underground?”

“yep. this section’s been abandoned since way before the barrier came down. nobody’s gonna miss anything if you break something.”

You were almost insulted.

“more importantly the vibes are perfect for throwing magic around, what with all the magic around.”

“... Oh.”

“yeah. that’s why the precaution, if you hit half as hard as you concentrate, at least one of these buildings is going to be demolished.”

“You’re shitting me.”

Sans shook his head, rolling his eyelights around. You managed to keep from staring in fascination the way you had at Papyrus when you’d first met the tall skeleton. “nope.” He made the p pop. “hands are COMPLICATED. and I’ve seen what you do with the magic you’re used to.”

“Yeah, Asgore told me a bit about that.” You took a sip of your tea. He took the opportunity to finish his cookie.

“his majesty’s a bit of an authority on complicated magic. part of his job is having at least theoretical knowledge of how every monster’s magic works so he can counter it in an emergency.”

“Huh. Really? I’d’ve thought that was what the guard is for.”

“sorta-kinda. s’our job to stop it before it gets to that point, but shit happens.”

“... Huh.” You leaned against one of the slowly-crumbling walls, working your way through your tea. He rocked back on his heels, drinking from his thermos.

“once you’re used to your magic that’ll be phase three of training.”

“Phase three? I take it physical was phase one.”

“bingo.”

A few minutes later, the both of you finished your drinks and set your cups down.

“alright, warmup. do it with me, this time.” Sans reached out with his off hand. It was remarkably convenient that most monsters, Sans being no exception, were left-handed. You reached for the pool of magic that was much easier to feel with slightly-tingly dry bones digging into your skin a little uncomfortably. The joints pinched a little.

You completely lost any semblance of concentration, let alone _composure_ , when the bone Sans summoned ended up taller than either of you and as thick around as your waist. Truthfully you doubled over, snickering hysterically and trying to muffle yourself. Sans gave you a betrayed and slightly offended look and released your hand. Tears had just started to form in the corners of your eyes when a dinky bone, only as long as your hand, smacked into your shoulder.

“Ow!” You just laughed harder.

“i know i didn’t hit your funnybone so stop cracking up.” He was starting to grin again, though.

“What? Can’t, hehehe, take a good ribbing?”

“this is supposed to be a joint effort.”

“Okay, okay,” you wheezed, “ _stop_ , I knee-d a break.”

“i tried being sternum, but it looks like I might need to scapula that idea.”

“Nooooo! I give, I yield!”

You were both grinning at each other when an abrupt shudder overtook you both. You felt someone’s sins crawling up your back, and just the faintest strains of an unfamiliar tune. You both turned to look at the same time, eyes finding an opening in the cave wall from which a balcony overlooked the city...

But no one was there.

Sans stared towards one end of the Ruins for a little while, and then turned. "so hey, let's walk and work."

“... Yeah, okay.” You grabbed your mug, he grabbed his thermos and held his hand out for the mug. You raised an eyebrow but handed it over, and he stuck them both into his pockets. You blinked. They were... definitely gone.

He reached out, grabbing your hand again and pulling it into his pocket. It tingled more, and made you stick closer to him. “alright, warmup.”

You nodded, trying to concentrate. It was harder to do it with only one hand and nothing to hold and focus on, but with Sans doing it at the same time and the process echoing back to you...

Well, at least this time it was only one hand. Even if it made him groan to see it.

“okay... let’s try dismissing some of those bones. like, the tips.”

“Uh... y’okay.” You frowned, squinting. Now his warmup was a bit of a distraction, but the magic slowly shimmered and dissipated. Almost the entirety of the hand did, leaving only the metacarpals in front of you.

“see? can’t focus, can’t keep up the weird hand thing.”

“You calling _anything_ the weird noun thing is bizarre.”

“blame the captain,” He winked at you. You rolled your eyes.

“That’s not hard to do, but why?”

“she started it.”

You stared at him, unamused.

“so what’s an earl coney anyways, some kind of gray rabbit? don’t lose focus.”

“Uuuh--” Your eyes crossed a little as you tried to work out what he was asking. “Oh! An Erlkönig? German, elf-king. The guys with the fleshy bodies and deer skulls for heads?” You finally got down to just one long, slightly cartoony bone and cautiously touched your fingertips to it. It didn't burn!

“oh those guys. i mean i guess there had to be other royal families. but when you can reach the glittering fake stars it just doesn’t really occur to you, you know?”

“Yeah, makes sense...” You shifted a little uncomfortably, working through the warm-up with him.

“his majesty says they’re pretty dorky. which, considering him, is saying something.”

“Takes a dork to know one. You, for example, are practically the definition.” You sassed at him, filter gone from your split concentration.

“so what does that make you?”

You could feel him raising a brow without even glancing over to confirm. You grinned, tossing the bone into the air and making it flip over a few times before catching it and bowing as mockingly as you could with one hand captured. “I, my dear sir, am a nerd.”

“okay that’s enough warming up for now. let’s start getting a bit of a training ground together, yeah? hmmmm... you can start by knocking down those walls over there. and there. and then we’re going to get out of here. immediately.”

“Uh--” You could hear the unfamiliar tune again, louder, close by.

“N o w.”  Sans’ voice changed, taking on hard edges he usually smoothed away. He didn’t wait, either, eliminating the pretense of this being a training exercise as he leveled one side of a building.

You felt your breath hitch, but if he was so certain of your power and so afraid of that tune, you weren’t going to argue. You shook off your uncertainty in wielding this strange magic and took out your half of what had to be a battlefield.

“okay that maybe bought us a few seconds so we’re leaving--”

You didn’t have time to warn him before a small, golden flower with a cheerful smile popped up between both of your feet. Thorned vines wrapped around your legs, rooting both of you to the spot.

“Gee, trashbag, not gonna introduce me to your new friend? Or wait--” The flower’s beady little eyes turned on you. “Well, isn’t this **ADORABLE**. Human mom and--”

“you know as fun as it is to get tied to the floor and feel like garbage with you, little buddy, i’m sure flat out of patience.”

“little _shit_ ,” you grumbled, reaching down with a clawing motion and promptly ripping the flower a good foot out of the ground. It let out a startled, squeaky sound as a snarl found its way to your lips. You didn’t know why you felt such a burning dislike of this thing, if it was just an echo from Sans or something deeper within yourself, but you wanted to see it wither.

“whoa-- uh-- let’s not kill the flower plea--”

Anything Sans was _going_ to say got drowned out by the sudden dull, metallic sound of something striking you, _hard_ , and incredible pain, and then the wetter sound of something withdrawing, dragging other, sharper things through you. You were no stranger to incredible pain, but this was in the wrong place. Dully, you looked down to see blood staining the front of your shirt.

‘ _Shit.’_ You felt a strange sort of bilocation, like you were both in your body and a few feet behind it.

“W___!”

A slight squeeze, and the world went dark. You felt your soul shatter more than you saw it, even in the vast expanse of nothingness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy heck, this thing has been a ride and a monster. This is not the end of Monster Hell, though! We've got an interlude coming up and then Part Two will hit - once we've beaten it into shape a bit. Thanks for sticking around so patiently folks, and for putting up with us Getting To The Dang Plot without much ado. Feel free to toss theories and questions here, in the interlude, or on [the blog](http://welcometomonsterhell.tumblr.com)!
> 
> \---
> 
> **hi i've been ur sans for this evening. what a long, strange trip it's been, huh? we've just been pounding the fuck out of this and trying to get it to resemble a story. glad you're all still with us. i'll be back for the interlude, don't worry. but in the meantime i hope you enjoyed.**

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Snapshot: A Million Cans of Dirt](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5895709) by [tluthal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tluthal/pseuds/tluthal)




End file.
